Kenshin sat in the dim light waiting for day to break. The soft,
rhythmic sounds of breathing punctured the silence. Beside him, his wife
and their babies slept. It was so hard to believe. But holding his
daughter and sons in his arms.... Everything he ever wanted, everything he
ever needed was here. This was home and Himura Kaoru had given it to him.
He didn't think that he could love her any more than he did. He was wrong.
He got up silently and laid down on his stomach next to the sleeping
infants. He just wanted to watch them breath. Each breath brought home
further the fact that they were real. He reached out and gently brushed a
dark curl away from Mikako's face. She sighed softly, flexing her fist,
and slept on. They were so fragile. He never knew that he could feel so
many things at once. Happiness. Love. Fear.
The fear had been building for months. Kaoru had complained during her
pregnancy that he was hovering, that she felt like he was smothering her.
The truth was... there was so much that could have happen to her. He could
have lost her. But she was fine.... She gave birth easily. There were no
problems. They were blessed with three healthy babes. That should have
reassured him. But....
Kaoru sighed softly. She felt so exhausted, but it had been worth it.
But, she didn't feel like opening her eyes just yet. Her eyelids felt so
heavy. She moved slowly, testing her body. She winced at the soreness
that she could feel deep to her bones.
"Are you awake?" Kaoru could hear the smile in his voice. She mumbled
and shook her head slowly. She smiled at his low chuckle. Kenshin.
She opened her eyes when she heard the mewling cries of the triplets. She
touched her now flat belly and smiled. Triplets. They were probably going
to be more than a handful. Yahiko was going to be busy helping, she thought
with a smile.
"You're hungry." She sat up gingerly. "Patience. You must learn
perseverance and diligence in life. You'll have to take turns," she
admonished them gently. Kenshin could not stop smiling. He comforted the
other newborns as she cradled Ryo, the most demanding of the three, and
began to feed him.
"Training already?"
"You're never too young to start on a good path." Kaoru closed her eyes
at the feeling of Ryo suckling at her breast. It felt totally different
from.... She looked at Kenshin who watched her with hooded eyes. She
smiled back at him.
It took his breath. The sight of Kaoru feeding their child... All
those years ago, he would never had dreamed that he could be this happy.
He hadn't let himself. The baby at her breast nuzzle contentedly, suckling
softly in the dim light of the early morning. Ryo already had his red
hair. Kaoru smoothed the short, spiky locks soothingly as she fed him.
She murmured something to him and smiled. How could she look so young and
yet so wise? Her eyes seemed to hold answers to mysterious questions that
he could only guess at.
Next to them, Mikako began to fuss. Kaoru watched him pick up their
tiny daughter, holding her gently, comforting her. At her breast, Ryo had
stopped eating and had fallen into a sated sleep. She shifted the baby in
her arms and rocked him into a deeper sleep. Kaoru looked up at her
husband. He seemed to be concentrating all his attention on the baby in
his arms.
"Kenshin. What's wrong?" He looked so pensive. He had been keeping
something from her. This last month, sometimes he looked as if he was in a
totally different world. She had waited to see if he would tell her what
was bothering him, but he hadn't. It was time to nag it out of him. A
wife's prerogative, Megumi would say with a nod.
"What's wrong?" he repeated absently.
"With you. There's something wrong. Tell me. You've been trying to
hide it. Stop." Kenshin winced at the hurt he could hear in her voice.
She had probably been waiting for him to open up and talk to her. But it
was hard to express what he was feeling. He had kept it to himself for so
long.
"I'm terrified," he whispered softly. Kaoru looked up. Kenshin was
staring down at his daughter. Mikako blinked sleepily back at him. Her
eyes already showed signs of being violet. His eyes.
"Terrified? Of what?" For how long? Gods, Kenshin, why have you
been keeping from that me? You're supposed to talk to me!
"I'm scared for them. It's just...." Kenshin struggled to put into
words his fears. "They are a part of both of us, but they are so small.
This world is so harsh. So horrible. So unpredictable." He took Ryo from
her arms, laying him down as Kaoru began to feed Mikako. "So violent."
Minoru screwed up his face impatiently. Kenshin murmured quietly to him.
Kaoru smiled when Minoru immediately calmed down, blinking his soft dark
blue eyes up at his father. Minoru raised his tiny fist up, wrapping his
small fingers around his father's. "Oro~ He's going to be strong." The
thought made him smile softly.
Baka! You're supposed to share all of this with your wife! He
probably didn't want to worry her. Kenshin should know better. "Why
didn't you talk to me? Kenshin, we can't protect them from everything. We
can only give them a good start."
"I know that. It just that.... We're not responsible for just us any
longer. We have to make them ready for the world."
Kenshin thought back on his own childhood. He never wanted his children
to experience the factors that had shaped him. Being an orphan. Having to
deal with so much death. Building this era of peace was about the future.
Now, more than ever, he wanted the future to be everything he had fought
for. He knew just how fragile life could be.
"Talk to me, Kenshin."
*****
"Shinta..."
"Oka... Haraheta...." Shinta was hungry. Her baby was hungry.
She couldn't even lift her head. She cursed at the illness that was
draining her strength. Her husband lay on the pallet beside her. His
breathing was shallow, almost inpreceptible. He was going to....
Kami-sama, please. Protect this child. Protect him. Make him happy.
Give him that. Let him have a future. Onegaishimasu... Onegai...
"Shinta... Your father and I are a little sick." Yuki could not stop
the tears. She knew the signs. Her love was not going tomake it. She
brushed the dark red hair away from his face. His beautiful face. The
fever had dried him out. His lips were cracked and red. But, he looked so
peaceful. So...still.
No. Kami-sama, no. Not yet. Not yet.
It was too late. Too late. He was gone. She softly kissed his lips
one last time. Aishiteru, anata...
She could feel the fever draining at her now, sucking away her strength.
But she couldn't let it win. She couldn't. If she was gone, their Shinta
would be alone. She had to live. She had to live. She had to.... For
Shinta.
"Oka..."
"Don't worry, we'll get better." He watched without understanding as
she began to slump weakly to the side. "Soon..."
"Oka?"
"Dai...jou...bu," she whispered. "Shinta...," she whispered.
She tried to finger comb his tangled locks, but didn't have the strength.
She tried to move her lips, but she couldn't.... Death. It called her,
luring her with the sweet promise of peace. She tried to fight it, but it
sucked her in. Protect this child. Let him be happy. Let him be...
"Oka?" She wasn't moving. He kneeled closer and shook her shoulder.
"Ne, Oka. Haraheta...." She didn't answer. "Oka?"
*****
Kenshin had not thought of that day in so long. The day his parents
went away. The day their family was ripped apart and he was left alone.
His parents were a fuzzy memory that he could not quite recall. He only
remembered warmth. Love. Afterward he had been alone and frightened. In
those dark days, Shinta had held on to those memories. The memory of
happiness he had felt with his parents were a refuge. If the pain was too
much, he would escape into that world where his mother was waiting with
open arms. Where he could hear his father laugh and remember the feel of
him tossing him in the air to catch him on the way down.
He had been sold into slavery after his parents had died. The child
that he was did not understand what was going on. The man he became
understood all to clearly and fought so that the weak would be protected.
As Kenshin looked at his children and beautiful wife, he knew that he would
do just about anything to make sure that they were protected now.
Kaoru watched the emotions play across her husband's face as he talked
about the last memory of his parents. The protective love he had known as
a small boy had been ripped away from him. No wonder he is worried
about the children. No wonder he watched me like a hawk for the last few
months. He had lost the ones he loved too many times. Love had been
taken away, beyond his control.
Kaoru leaned forward, reaching out to touch his face gently. She ran
her fingers through his loose hair. He inched closer to her. "Kaoru? I-"
"Shhh," she whispered, pointing down. The little ones were asleep.
They had all gorged themselves on milk and now were quite content. She
kissed him softly. "Kenshin. We can't control everything. Something may
happen, but then again, it may not.
"If you keep thinking about what could happen, you can't live
fully. We just have to do our best and be happy with what we have right
now." She kissed him again, savoring the sensation of having him close.
Of being held by him. "You aren't alone, Kenshin. You haven't been alone
since I attacked you that day."
"Attacked me? You didn't even touch me. Oro~" Kaoru pounced, pulling
him closer to her. She hugged him for the child he had been and for the
man he had become.
"I don't think so," she whispered against his neck. "I'm pretty sure I
wounded you badly. After all, I got you here, didn't I? And I'm pretty
much set on keeping you. You're mine. Just give up."
"Am I? I guess I should." He arranged her hair to fall over one
shoulder then kissed her sweetly. "I give up, then."
"Good think you know when you've lost."
"Yeah. Good thing."
*****
"After my parents died. Before I met my shishou...." Kenshin spoke
hesitantly. He had never wanted to talk about that part of his past. He
had tried to bury it. He had mostly succeeded. So what if sometimes he
had dreams? He had more horrid images to dream of. The images of death
and destruction from the Bakumatsu should have been far more etched in his
psyche. Comparatively, his childhood fears were nothing. But they still
haunted him.... The voices and smells. The images of the other children
who were just as lost. "I..."
Kaoru could sense the tension in his muscles. She murmured soothingly
and snuggled closer to him. Kenshin smiled at her comforting gesture.
Once Kaoru loved someone, she would protect them always. But she couldn't
erase the past.
"Did you know that they used to sell off girl children in villages.
Sell them off so they could have food. That was how poor some people were.
Girls were bartered," he explained softly. If Kaoru had been unfortunate
enough to have been born into one of those villages, she would have been,
too. Kenshin thanked the gods that she never had to experience that.
"Humans were treated as possessions, Kaoru. I was a possession, too.
The village couldn't afford another mouth to feed. They barely had enough
for themselves. What were they supposed to do?" He had asked himself that
many times before. He tried to forgive them. But it had been hard.
"I...I was sold to a man in a larger town. He was very wealthy. A
merchant. He sold cloth and he needed workers. Children have small hands
and so he bought children. And he would..." Kaoru held him close to her,
as if she was trying to absorb his pain. "He wasn't a very good man. He
would do things to the other children. There were so many of us there that
he would take aside and..." Kenshin closed his eyes at the blurred
memories of the dark and dank. Of hiding with other children and
scattering. One would always be caught, though. He could never forget the
images. The sounds. "I was too young, though. He would just beat me.
But I saw things there that should not have been allowed to happen. We
were powerless."
"Kenshin." Kaoru touched a faded scar on his shoulder. How many scars
were from his childhood? How many from the Bakumatsu? "How did you get
away? When did you meet Hiko?"
"One of the older boys finally killed him. The boy couldn't take the
abuse anymore. He...he snapped. That was the first time I saw someone
killed. It was self-defense. I don't know what happened to they boy. He
was taken away. I had never seen so much blood." Kaoru tried to picture
him. Alone and frightened. Barely a baby. It pained her heart.
"Some people sold us again. That's how I got to be with that caravan.
Then I met Akane and Kasumi. They were so kind to me. They were slaves,
too. They had been since they were children..." Kenshin fell silent.
Kaoru listened to his breath. She could feel him try to control himself.
She reached out across their bodies and held his hand as he recounted the
attack of caravan by bandits. Of the massacre that followed.
"They died saving me. Kaoru, I don't ever want to lose any of you. No
one. Not anymore."
"Kenshin. I can't promise that nothing will ever happen."
"I know..." She brought his roughen hand to her lips, kissing it gently.
"But we are all together now. We are here for each other. Good times,
bad... It doesn't matter. And rest assured, my love, that all of us will
know how to fight. For each other and ourselves."
"Kaoru..."
"The world is so very different, Kenshin. The future is going to be
totally different from our pasts. Before you came, I didn't have anyone
either. You and Yahiko, Sano and Megumi became my family. I know how it
feels to lose someone, too, Kenshin. But we can't live our lives in fear
of losing people we love. We just can't." Kaoru cupped his face, gently
kissing his lips. She understood the fears very well. But she needed to
get through to him. Life was full of changes. Of twist and turns and they
could only ride them out.
"So, you see, you just have take what comes. And be happy with it. You
make me happy." She kissed him. "Now, I think we better get back to some
more important issues," she whispered against his lips as she caught the
sounds of the triplets beginning to stir.
"Like what?"
"Like how can 2 people clean up and change 3 babies?" she asked, kissing
his nose.
"I say that we call Yahiko."
"Oooh. Good idea. I'll tell him to think of it as training." She
laughed, hugging him close. "You're never too young for training."
