From: Ashfae This fic is born of all the Aoshi-Misao fics in which things come to a head while Misao is bringing Aoshi tea in the morning...I wanted to write my own take on the situation. This mental image sprung into my head and wouldn't leave. Be warned: WAFF mania. The story is dedicated to Harumi-sama and her wonderful artwork...Harumi-sama, I loved your latest picture of Aoshi and Misao; they just get better and better all the time! (I show them to all my artist friends here- who are also RK addicts- and they all are phenominally jealous of your abilities. As am I! I can't wait to see what you do next!) Luthien-san, I steal at least one line directly from you at one point in this story...gomen nasai. =) I liked your story a lot, and I liked that particular line very much, and then I wrote this in one blow at three AM when I was not creative enough to think of something different. *sheepish gryn* I hope you'll take it as flattery rather than plagerism. ************************************************************* "The prison unto which we doom ourselves no prison is." -Unknown "Love is letting go of fear." -Gerald G. Jampolsky I know she is there before she enters the room, before she even has a chance to lift her hand and slide the door open. My eyes remain closed, and I focus on the sounds of the door sliding closed once more, her feet tapping along the floor towards him, the clinking of teacups. I focus on these things, instead of her presence. It is an odd ritual that she has started, perhaps...she is exuberant even at her most quiet; I would not have expected her to attempt- much less enjoy- something involving as much concentration as a tea ritual. But then, she is growing older...and she has changed a great deal. Not only during the time while I was absent, but since my return. I know that much of it is because of my actions, my decisions. I did not think that my rejection of the Oniwabanshuu would cause her to decide to lead them...she has grown much. Responsibility weighs heavily on her, but she does well by it. And perhaps it is better that she now knows that I, too, am only human...that I can make mistakes. Her knowing that is what has changed our relationship most. She no longer looks at me with blind adoration, even though her feelings are strong. She weighs what I have to say on her own scales of judgement, accepting or rejecting in accordance with what she thinks is right or wrong. She no longer thinks that I move the sun and sky. It is a relief, even if I grieve the loss of her innocence. If I could have kept her sheltered and protected forever... perhaps I would have. If it saved her any pain, then perhaps. But no one remains a child for always. And now...now we become friends, in the truest sense of the word. She confides in me, and occassionally I confide in her. The only subject we do not discuss is ourselves, our relationship. I know that eventually that will change. Her adoration is no longer blind, but it is still there. I keep waiting for her feelings to change, for her to seek a companion somewhere else...but she is here every morning. I cannot say what brings her back to me every day. I have not encouraged her; I have never even given her any hints that I return her feelings. Perhaps I am not entirely sure that I do. This Misao who kneels in front of me, carefully pouring tea, is a very different person from the little girl I left behind. I am still learning her ways, even after all this time. She still surprises me. I do love her, I know; I have been watching her grow, and she becomes more beautiful every day- not only in body, but in spirit. She will be amazing. She already is. But to give her what she wants from me...would it be right? I have hurt her so much in the past; I would do anything to avoid hurting her again. I will not take advantage of her feelings for me. She is young yet...she might change her mind, follow someone else, leave me behind. I must let her be free to do so. I must not tie her to me. But unbidden, the thought appears: right or wrong, I do not know if I could let her go, now. It is one thing to tell myself that she might fall in love with someone else someday, that she must be free. It is quite another thing to imagine her in someone else's arms when I want her so much in mine. I will not take advantage of her feelings for me...I will not take advantage of her youth...I *will* let her be free. I will not hurt her again. I repeat the words in my head as we move through the forms of the tea ritual; turning the cup around, sipping the tea, cleaning the cup. Her every motion is graceful, but I can tell that she is as distracted as I am. We are not doing the ritual justice: it deserves a level of concentration that neither of us can supply today. Because Misao is steeling herself to tell me something, and I am steeling myself to hear it. I will not take advantage of her. These are the words that I think, but deep down there is another truth: I am afraid, more afraid of what she might say than I have ever been of anything. I don't know what I fear more...an ending, or a beginning. I need more time. She finishes cleaning impliments of the tea ceremony, and places them back down on the tray. Usually during this time of day we talk- about the Oniwabanshuu, about our friends in Tokyo, about whatever comes to mind. If she has anything to say, she will say it now. We sit in silence, both of us gathering our resolve. "Aoshi-sama." I look at her. She is kneeling only a few feet away from me, her hands holding each other tightly in her lap. The blood is draining from her fingers; she must be even more nervous than I realized, for her hands to be clenched that tightly. She is biting her lip as she tends to do when she is doing something she would rather not be doing. My heart sinks within me as I wonder if it is true that she has found someone else...even as I am convinced that I could not fill that place in her life. It is frustrating to believe two such contradictory thoughts at once. "Aoshi-sama, there's something I've been meaning to say to you. You...I mean, you must know...the way I feel about you...the way I've always felt..." her voice trails off as she looks desperately at me for encouragement. I won't encourage her. I won't. Even if it means that she does find someone else, even if it means she leaves me behind and moves on...I won't encourage her. I *will not* take advantage of her. However tempted I might be. She has drawn in a breath, determination gathering in her eyes. "Aoshi-sama-" "Misao," I interrupt, before she can say anything too dangerous. "You don't need to say anything. Please." This is too soon, far too soon, she is still too young, I need more time... There is silence for a minute. For one minute, I am still safe. She moves; I look up to see her crawling towards me on hands and knees. She was close to begin with; she is even closer now. "Misao, what-" "You said yourself that I don't need to say anything, Aoshi-sama..." her voice whispers softly, her lips brushing against my cheek. I can feel her breath, I can...my hand is reaching up...I'm not sure if I'm intending to pull her against me or push her away. "*No.*" The latter, then: my will gives me determination, and I take her by the shoulders and push her backwards, standing and pulling her up with me. I continue to hold her shoulders, looking at her as seriously as I can- every inch the mentor, the older brother, the okashira. "No. Misao, I cannot let you do this. You should leave." Something flickers through her eyes. "You can't let?" Insantly I wonder if the words were a mistake...they may only have encouraged her. "Aoshi-sama...don't you want me?" Her eyes are wide and bright, cautious- they have never doubted the answer 'til this moment, and now...they wonder. Do I want her? How can I answer, if I am not entirely sure of the truth myself? What I am sure of is that I must overcome her in this. I must keep myself apart. I release her shoulders. "Go." Her eyes narrow. "Why?" She steps forward; I step backwards, keeping the distance between us. "Why? I'm not a child anymore, Aoshi-sama- you must see that. You don't have to protect me anymore, and you can't keep me from making my own decisions." Another step forward, another step back. I *will* be firm on this. I must, for her sake. "Or do you?" Her eyes are flashing; this is not good. "Is that how you see me, Aoshi-sama? A little girl that you watch over? Is that it?" Definitely not good. One of her fists is flying towards my face; I block it without thinking, and only the knowledge that this is *Misao* keeps me from an automatic counterattack. She continues to advance more and more quickly, throwing punches and kicks that take more and more of my concentration to guard against. She is not holding back; before long we are circling the room in a series of attacks and counters. Her skills have improved, but she still is not a match for me, especially not while she is so angry and easy to read. All I have to do is wait for her to tire. *Nani?* My foot slips- the tray of tea utensils, completely forgotten. It slips beneath my foot, and for one precious second my balance is lost. That one second is all she needs. With a short little cry she *hurls* herself at me, knocking me flat onto my back on the floor, with her sprawled across my chest. *Shit.* Once more my hands reach up to her shoulders, even as I am attempting to regain the wind that was knocked out of me by the fall. But before I have a chance to push her aside, her lips are on mine. My hands freeze, then continue up to her shoulders and hold her against me. I can't help it. The moment is too exquisite...her kiss is passionate, born not only of desire and love but of anger and desperation. I am responding before I think not to do so, and then I can't bring myself to stop. She shifts position so that her legs are pressing against my sides as she crouches on top of me, her arms resting on either side of my head and her hands tangled in my hair. I have forgotten how to think. I might have forgotten how to breathe. For the moment, all I'm aware of is her, pressed against me... The kiss breaks; her mouth remains just above mine for a moment, tantalizing. She sits up, looking down on me, her weight resting on my lower abdomen. My hands reach involuntarily after her for a second as she pulls back, then I use them to support my weight, leaning on my elbows. I can't think of anything to say. Her gaze is hard, and a little triumphant. "Now, Aoshi," she says quietly. "Tell me now that you don't want me. Tell me now that you want for me to go, and I will, and I'll never speak of this again." *Those* words stop me. It was one thing to tell her to leave before, but now? She will know if I lie to her, every inch of my body is screaming for her to fall back into my embrace. And to never have her near me again... Something else catches my thoughts. Aoshi...not Aoshi-sama, but Aoshi. Not onmitsu to okashira, or little girl to her mentor. Just Misao and Aoshi: friends, equals...lovers. And that, I realize, is something I want very much. Perhaps as much as she does. *Perhaps...* Her eyes are flickering again, the confident gleam fading out of them. She's scrambling to her feet, backwards, away from me. She's leaving, and if she leaves she won't be back, and in that instant my decision is made. Not the one I orginally intended to make. As she is still attempting to get to her feet I sit up, grab her around the waist with both hands, and pull her back down. She lands in my lap with a bit of a squeak, and squeaks again when I kiss her. My arms have wrapped tight around her so that she can't pull away this time- so that she knows I won't push her away again- and my mouth is hot and hungry on hers. *Is this what you wanted, Misao? You should be more careful what you wish for...* Her surprise lasts only a moment, and then she is kissing me back just as ferociously, her arms locked around my neck and her legs around my waist. The feel of it is amazing, as though every inch of her body is in contact with mine. My arms tighten around her even more, and one of my hands wraps itself in her braid. A small part of my mind is astonished, furious at my lack of control- but most of me doesn't care. Gradually the kiss becomes less frenzied; gradually our hands begin to roam, seeking to know the feel of one another. One of my hands lifts up to her face, learning the way it fits beneath my palm. One of her hands holds onto my shoulder. The kiss is less and less urgent, then stops enirely. She pulls away to the distance of an inch or two, looking me directly in the eyes. I ignore the part of me that doubts and meet her gaze without flinching. Slowly she smiles, and rests her head in the crook of my neck. My arms wrap loosely around her, my eyes drifting over this new wonder- her body, wrapped in mine. Doubts rise to the surface. It is probably too late to try and be fair to her, but..."I did not want to reach this point so soon. I wanted you to be free to change your mind." She snuggles against me, the hand that is on my shoulder rubbing a finger along my neck. "What made you think I wanted to be freed?" I almost chuckle; she has a point. I underestimated her. The last of my reservations about this development fades. If she is so certain that it is me she wants, then I will do the best I can to make sure she doesn't regret her decision. My thumb rubs against the bare skin on her arm, enjoying the feel of it. "I do want you." She laughs; her breath tickles my throat. "I noticed." She places a light kiss on the underside of my chin, her arms holding me a bit more tightly. "Aoshi...I love you." Her voice is shy, quiet...but the words are filled with a happiness so great that I could not ignore it if I chose. Something inside me clicks; disjointed pieces fit together. Something that was broken is made whole. "I know," I whisper. ************************************************************* nani: What? =) Ashley B. AKA Ashfae ashfae@duct-tape.mit.edu http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Pagoda/8264/anime.html "A hug warms the soul. A kiss steals it." -Jacob Ashford --------------------------- ONElist Sponsor ---------------------------- Register now and you could win a Volkswagen New Beetle at LIQ.com! Click below 'cause it's going fast! While you're at it, check out our great entertainment products at fantastic prices. Click Here ------------------------------------------------------------------------