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Invasion from America: The Insane Screenplay
by Dr. Panda (drpanda@crosswinds.net)
Pre-production
*Note: All non-American-comic names are written as they would be said in Japanese.
Starring: the Kenshin-gumi, Dr. Panda
Guest-starring (in no particluar order): Seta Soujiro, Saitou Hajime, Yumi, Shishio Makoto, Hiko Seijuro, Gambit, Spawn, and Omega Red, Udou Jinneh, Akamatsu Arundo, Chou
Camio-appearances: Yusuke, Kurama, Hiei, Kuwabara, Doraemon
Everything involved in the original creation of Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki. All characters and personages portrayed are copyrighted trademarks of their respective creators. The copyright to "Invasion from America" is owned by Dr. Panda. For posting rights e-mail the author.
**Note: All text in < > is supposed to be in Cajun French, while all text in [ ] is in English as well as all other unintelligible Western languages. Any languages portrayed in their original state are there for purely dramatic purposes and are not used out of ignorance. All currencies are going by current exchange rates.
The author is NOT insane
Pre-production
Outside of Tokyo, a great flash of light occurs. A cloaked, red-haired figure emerges from a blinding portal. Dressed peculiarly in spandex and a trench coat, and carrying a deck of cards, he looks around him, confused.
Gambit: <Huh? What happened? Where am I?> looks around, checks himself out. <Why am I colored so much more nicely?> looks at his surroundings. <Mon Dieu! It all looks so…so…>
At that moment, a random fighter jet blasts through the sky at supersonic speeds followed by another random fighter jet, neither making any sound whatsoever. The first metamorphs into a dog, then a mosquito, followed quickly by a Tyrannosaurus Rex, a 1930’s Oldsmobile, and finally an insurance salesman, which, as an insurance salesman cannot fly, crashes into Mt. Fuji. The other plane, its pilot not understanding that what he is doing should not be physically possible, accelerates to Mach 34 in the space of two seconds and structurally disintegrates.
<…stupid…>
Inside a random house in Tokyo:
Yumi: Ah, Shishio-sama, isn’t it wonderful to be alive again?
Shishio: In a way, I suppose it is. Hell was disappointing. Too cold. Now, I have another chance to complete the destruction of the weak Meiji government.
Yumi: Please, Shishio-sama, not now. Now (smiles suggestively) we should have some time to ourselves. She reaches for the clasp of her kimono.
Dr. Panda: (from out of nowhere) Omatete kudasai! You can’t do this!
Yumi: Why not?
Dr. Panda: I’ve spent too long making sure that this fanfic is appropriate for children! And Watsuki-sensei never drew you doing this!
Yumi: (smiles) You’re jealous, is that it?
Dr. Panda: (sweatdrop) …oro…
Soujiro: Shishio-sama, Yumi-neh-san, I’ve bought some cakes.
Yumi: (annoyed) Do you ever do anything else?
Soujiro: … why? They’re very good.
The inside of the box says: We are not being paid for this…
In another random house in Tokyo, this one with a pair of Rurouni Kenshin™ rag dolls, the Kenshin and Kaoru love set (see Volume 8, in the beginning with Kaoru, page 60 at the top):
Jinneh: Hello world (laughs psychotically), I’m baaaaaaack!
Arundo: (nervous) Will you stop laughing like that?! You’re freaking me out!
Turns to the guy with them
Anyway, now that we’re here, what was it that you wanted to do?
Spawn: I’m looking for someone…
In the Kamiya Dojo, Kenshin is doing the laundry…
Yahiko: Don’t you ever stop doing the laundry?!
Kenshin: Stop making fun of me de gozaru…
Sanosuke: It gives him spiritual fulfillment to eliminate evil germs with his trusty Ancient Japanese Samurai Bleach™, 2000 Yen a bottle, available now in stores!
Everyone: (sweatdrop; staring at him)…
Kenshin: …oro-ro…
Sanosuke: Who’s the maniac writing my lines?!
Dr. Panda: You will say whatever I want you to say.
Sanosuke: Oh yeah?! How come I never get any good lines in ANY fanfic?!
Dr. Panda: That’s not my problem, now is it?
Sanosuke: Konoyaro!!!!!!!!!! I want to punch you but I can’t!
Dr. Panda: Of course you can’t, I didn’t let you.
A random street in Tokyo:
Shopkeeper: Hey! Hey! Who wants my Rurouni Kenshin™ rag dolls? Going for 600 Yen a doll! Do you have them all? Just today, get the limited edition Hitokiri Battosai™ doll! Looks like the Kenshin™ doll, but flick a switch and its facial expressions totally change! Another switch and it’s eyes change color and glow in dark! Only 1000 Yen, going now! Also, just in the Watsuki-sensei LIMITED 4th edition!! Comes with his hat, and if you buy it now, you can send in a coupon with an extra 1000 yen for shipping and handling to get a FREE Japanese kudo set, with a How-to-use-kudo instruction booklet! So buy these dolls now!
Kurama: Do you want one? I can get you one.
Hiei: Shut up.
Enishi: Can I have one of those Battosai dolls? It’s for my sister (I’m also going to use it as a dartboard and a doggie chew toy).
Shopkeeper: Sure (what a weird looking sap)! I also have (whispers) the kerosene covered Shishio™ doll, the dress-me-up Yumi™ doll…
Saitou: Excuse me, but do you have a permit to sell those dolls?
Shopkeeper: (sweatdrop)…oro…
Chou: (shocked)…Panda-sama?!
Flash of light; Omega Red appears
Dr. Panda: YIKES! There’s something you don’t see everyday. Wait, he looks kind of familiar…
Omega Red: PANDA!!!!!!!!!!!! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Panda: Oh, no! Not you again! I thought I’d already told you! Akamastu Arundo (flips frantically through volume 7) was a tribute to you!
Omega Red: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Panda: You’re not listening, are you?
Omega Red: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Panda: Help me!
Chou: Don’t worry Panda-sama, I’ll protect you! Satsujinken Hakujinnotachi!! (He is electrocuted) No fair… (faints; his hair is on fire)
Dr. Panda: Why did I even bring him here?!
Omega Red: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saitou: (puffs on a cigarette; speaks to ‘Red’) Are you evil, then?
Omega Red destroys the doll stand
I see… political, in other words. This doesn’t concern me.
Dr. Panda: WHAT?!!!! You’re supposed to defend me!
Saitou: This gentleman has a private grievance with you. Unless he wrecks public property with intention to kill, dirties the sidewalk, or otherwise fills some other definition for pure evil that is outside my authority, such as the destruction of the known universe, or sale of anti-anime propaganda, I see no reason why I nor any of my men should become involved. Defend yourself.
Omega Red: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gambit is walking the streets. He is passed by a giant blue-and-white earless cat with a pocket in its stomach. The cat pulls a karaoke machine, a talking mechanical ghost, and a pie-shooting bazooka from his pocket and runs away.
Kuwabara: (at a nearby dice stand) Alright! I win again! Hah! I can’t lose!
Gambit: [Hey, wanna try a round with me?]
Kuwabara: Huh? Um…. [yes, that would be very good, thank you]… phew, good thing I started paying attention in English class.
Police whistle
Policeman A: Omachinasai! Gambling is against the law here!
Kuwabara: Oh shit! (he runs away)
Gambit: (not understanding) [What’s wrong?]
Policeman A sticks handcuffs on him, which subsequently explode
Policeman A: Resisting arrest! (blows on his whistle, summoning more policeman) Get him!
Omega Red: PANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Panda: I have no choice, I’ve got to do it. Panda Special Attack! Etremely-Strange-Exploding-Dr. Panda-Doll!
Massive Explosion
Inside a clothing shop
Gambit: <I need to get some new clothes!>
He puts on a male kimono, a hat, and takes two swords
Another man, looking suspiciously like Shinomori Aoshi grabs Gambit’s old trench coat; compares it to his own, and walks away with it.
Arundo: Jinneh-san, I still don’t understand why you need new clothes.
Gambit: <Eh?>
Arundo: Jinneh-san, c’mon we have to go!
**If you don’t get what’s going on here, you need to either read Manga volume two, or one of the first TV episodes (the 9th or 10th, I think, whichever ones have Jinneh)**
Jinneh: (dressed the same as Gambit) What are you talking about?
Arundo helplessly indicates Gambit
Who are you?
Gambit and Jinneh: (thinking) What a weirdo. He’s wearing the same clothes as me and he’s got even weirder eyes!
Jinneh: Foul copycat! I’ll gut you, slice out your tripes, and cut your head off before I even have a second cigarette!
Gambit: <Big guy, jabbing a sword at me, not in a good mood. Looks like it’s time to get serious!> yanks out his cards
Policeman A: There he is, get him!
Jinneh: Taste my "Shinno-ipo"!
The policeman are frozen. So is Jinneh.
Jinneh: What! Impossible!
Arundo: I understand. His eyes are the same color as Jinneh-san’s. Therefore, none of the rays that Jinneh-san threw at him made any difference. He didn’t even see them! As a result, the technique reversed itself, reflected in his eyes, and turned on Jinneh! (Thinks a bit) But wait, in that case, why is Jinneh-san caught as well?
Gambit: <They always fall for the same trick.> takes another piece of gum out of his mouth and throws it on the floor. Jinneh is already stuck fast on the first one.
Jinneh: Hah, you think that your glue can stop me?! (takes his cigarette and burns away the chewing gum) I have you now!
Gambit flies backwards; gashed through his leg and left arm
Gambit: <Tough guy…take this!> flings cards
Jinneh slices through the cards with his katana so quickly that their residual energy is not diminished, and the sliced cards hit the Policemen and Arundo.
The wall of the clothing shop is blown away.
Next door, in a 19th century Japanese dry cleaner:
Hiko Seijuro: Hurry up, Baka deshi! Why are you so slow with my clothes when you’re so fast with everyone else’s.
Kenshin: Sumimasen Shishou, but there were too many other people in there.
Hiko Seijuro: I don’t care. Where’s my cape?
Kenshin hands him a cape. It is red and bound with chains. The chains come to life and start attacking Hiko and Kenshin with their teeth.
Hiko: What did you do to my cape?!
Kenshin: Oro?
Spawn: Hey, orange-haired scar-boy, what did you do to my cape?!
He holds up a white heavy cape, which despite all his entreaties cannot even sit up, let alone attack another being
Kenshin: Oops, I got the wrong cape de gozaru!!
As Hiko and Spawn try to exchange capes, the red cape goes limp.
Spawn: You killed it!!
Hiko: It wasn’t me! It was my baka deshi!
Kenshin: Oro-ro?
Spawn: You’ll pay!!
Kenshin: Shishou!! You’re supposed to take responsibility for your students!
Spawn: (To Hiko) You mean it was your idea?!
Hiko: Now look what you did, Baka deshi!
Spawn lights his hands on fire and blows away both Hiko and Kenshin, as well as the wall
Hiko: Well, Baka deshi, it looks like we’ll be fighting together on this one. Baka deshi? Kenshin? Where are you?
Kenshin is hiding behind a building
Kenshin: (thinks) Let’s see how he does now! It’s not my fault he has such a dumb looking cape!
Just to remind you where we are:
On another random street
Omega Red: PANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Panda: Doesn’t he ever get tired of this?!
Arundo: Hold on just a second. I am Akamastu Arundo, professional assassin, and I demand that you stop copying my style, otherwise my honor will be tarnished by your screw-ups!
Arundo attacks with his kusari-gama which bounces off Red’s skin like it was a paper clip. Undeterred, Arundo uses some of his other chains to try and strangle Omega Red. They snap.
Omega Red looks at him; he does not have nice eyes
Arundo: (sweatdrop) Then again, maybe I’ll just leave now. What do you think?
Omega Red: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On another random street
Shishio: This "man-with-electric-whips" sounds interesting. Perhaps he can join my refurbished "Ten Not-Really-Swords".
Yumi: Shishio-sama, is that all you can talk about?
Shishio: What else do you want me to talk about?
Kuwabara: Oh, no, not another freak with bandages.
Hiei: What was that?!
Shishio: We really don’t have time for anything else…maybe later.
sounds of "Shinken!" and "Jaoh Ensatsuken!" in the background
Hiko: Well, so it comes down to us…
Spawn: Yes…
(long pause)
Hiko: Even with your Hellish powers, you cannot beat me…
(longer pause)
Spawn: Oh? I have my powers, I have my strength, and I have my cape. I am immortal…HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN BEAT ME?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hiko: Hang on, it’s not ready yet.
Spawn: Huh?
A group of police is busy setting up some kind of machine involving lots of wires. Several of them shove Spawn out of the way
Policeman B: Testing…1…2…3…okay, Hiko-san, it’s ready.
Hiko crouches in his cape, suddenly leaps up, throwing his cape backwards in the wind. All of a sudden, the sound of "Hitenmitsuguryu Ama kakeru ryu no hirameki" starts blaring from the machine.
Hiko: (holding a mike) It is simple, something that even my baka deshi understood…
Even without my cape, (pauses for effect) I can look good without spandex… (does his hair flicking thing)
Spawn: (thinks) why, that %(*&^*^$*%#%##!!!!!!!
Kenshin: (smirks) I hope Shishou has fun with his new friend.
Yahiko: Kenshin!
Kenshin: Yahiko! Nan de gozataka?! What has happened?
Yahiko: There’s this guy in town, making everything go up in flames! He’s after Panda-sama!
Kenshin: What?! Okay, we need to approach quietly. Go find Sanosuke!
In the Kamiya Dojo:
Sanosuke: So you see, this here is the Hitokiri Battosai Sakabatou™ limited edition. It’s the only one there is.
Yusuke: Huh…how much would you take for it? I’ve got this friend who likes swords, but he’s got these homicidal tendencies that give me the creeps.
Sano: Normally, I would charge you about 10000 Yen, but I know how pressed you are for time, so I’ll let you have it for 8000 Yen.
Yahiko: Sano, what are you doing?!!
Sanosuke: Go away, Yahiko, you bother me. (I need to pay my bills somehow!)
Yahiko: You can’t sell Kenshin’s sword! (not like that you’re not!)
Sanosuke: Shut up. Kaoru wants me to pay off my debts.
Yahiko: Kenshin needs it! There’s this guy in town that’s burning everything!
Sanosuke: Yeah, whatever.
Chou rushes in, screaming, his hair is still on fire
Sanosuke: Well, okay, maybe.
Chou: Put it out!!!!!
Sanosuke kicks him into the well. Chou comes up spitting water
Sanosuke: (sardonic voice) Hey, look. The broom is now a brush.
Chou: You stupid Rooster! How would you like your hair burned away?!
Sanosuke: Who you callin’ a rooster, Brush-head?!
Chou: Rooster!
Sano: Brush!
Chou: Rooster!
Sano: Brush!
Jinneh: SHINEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gambit: <Take this!>
Jinneh’s rapid sword continue to deflect all of Gambit’s shots
They bump into Kenshin
Kenshin: Jinneh!!! And…Jinneh?
Gambit:<Who?>
Jinneh: I’m back, Battosai!
Swings at Kenshin
Gambit: <Not so fast!> Charges his bubblegum and throws it. It is still stuck to his hand, and now Jinneh’s shoe.
Gambit: <Oh, shit!>
Kenshin: (sweatdrop) …
Massive Explosion
Hiko: Hitenmitsurugiryu Ama kakeru ryu no hirameki!!
Spawn dives out of the way, splitting his mask, showing his face
Hiko: But how…of course, you backed out of range while I was pronouncing the name of my technique! Finally, a true adversary…even if you really do not look good without spandex.
Spawn gives him the finger
Shishio: Hiko Seijuro!
Hiko: Shishio, what are you doing here?!
Yumi: Oh…
looks at Spawn’s face
Yumi: (swooning) I just love men with bad skin!
Shishio and Hiko: Wha-?!!!!
Yumi: Shishio doesn’t even compare to you.
Shishio: Hang on just a darn second here!
Soujiro: Excuse me, but could I have a word with you?
Omega Red: PANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soujiro: It will only take a few moments…
OR: KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soujiro: It’s my employer, Shishio Makoto
OR: COPYRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soujiro: He wants to hire you.
OR: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!
Soujiro: I realize that this may be a difficult time for you…
OR: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soujiro: …but I hope that you will at least consider his proposal.
OR: PANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soujiro: Would you like some cake?
OR: No, thank you.
Soujiro: (surprised) What?
OR: PANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kenshin: (slightly smoking) There he is.
Notices Hiko and Spawn
Kenshin: Oro? How did they get here?
One of Spawn’s blasts hit the CD playback system; starts playing "Kimiwa dare no mamoteru"
Kenshin: (panicked as he starts moving) Oro?
Spawn and Shishio are fighting it out over Yumi. Hiko is looking on, amused.
Omega Red and Dr. Panda turn the corner, with Soujiro in hot pursuit.
Spawn: PANDA!!!!!!!!
Panda: Oh, God, this is really not my day! Why didn’t I ask their permission first?!
All of a sudden, everyone turns to see Kenshin walking out of the alley. His pace is stately, his gait quiet and self-assured…
His face and voice on the other hand…
Kenshin: Oro-ro! What’s happening to me?! I can’t interfere yet, I don’t have a sword de gozaru!
Kenshin faces down Omega Red and Spawn. In the background, Doraemon takes one look at what is going on, and hightails it out of the way. He is followed by a dust-devil.
Kenshin: Panda-san, help me! I don’t know what my body is doing!
Dr. Panda: (frantically trying to fix the Sony Music Studio Sound System) I’m sorry Himura-san, I can’t do anything!
Kenshin: What do I do?!
Dr. Panda: Oh, well, there’s only one thing you can do.
He flips a switch. "Hitenmitsugiryu" starts playing: Kenshin’s battle music.
Kenshin: Nani?!!!!!!!!
Kenshin charges right at Omega Red
Yahiko and Sanosuke: Kenshin!
Kaoru: KE-EEEEEEEEE-N-SHI-IIIIIIII-N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Panda: (whistles innocently)…
Yahiko: NO!! It must not be allowed to happen!
Everyone looks at him in surprise
He attacks Dr. Panda with Kenshin’s Sakabatou, joined by Kaoru with her Bokuto, soon to be followed up by Spawn and Omega Red and just about everyone else who has appeared in this fanfic, with the exception of Soujiro and Kenshin, not to mention Jinneh and Gambit and Arundo.
Kaoru: Leave Kenshin alone!!
Shishio: Yumi will be mine again!!
Hiko: You're the one who created this mess!
Sano: Now I'm really going to punch you!!
Chou: GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR!!!
Spawn: PANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omega Red: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saitou: (puffs on his cigarette)...
Dr. Panda: I’ve had enough! Panda Deluxe Ultra Special Attack! Flying-
Atomic-Radioactive-Plasma-Raggedy-Ann-Exploding-Dr. Panda-Doll-of-Fusion!!
Everyone: (freezes; sweatdrop)…
Kenshin: (sigh)… here we go again de gozaru.
The End…or perhaps to be continued later.
This was my first ever Kenshin comedy fan-fic, and while it didn’t live up to my
original expectations, going back over it, I find that I really enjoy reading it. The
ideas for this fic stem mainly from all the "tributes" that Watsuki-sensei made in
Rurouni Kenshin to some of the American comics that he enjoyed. While I am
disappointed with how my "ending" turned out, I’m not sure if I’ll continue Invasion
from America. Until then, if anyone wants to continue this line of thought, they’re
perfectly welcome to, BUT they MUST:
1) Ask my permission
2) Give me final say on what kind of stuff goes in (which can be basically anything except for American comic book characters who do not have counterparts in Rurouni Kenshin; If you can make a somewhat plausible case for any character, so long as you tell me about it, it's fine).
3) Be fully aware that the original copyright to "Invasion from America", in
whatever form it takes or is given or will be given, is the property of Dr. Panda.
Everything else, your call…
4) Repeat this notice.
5) NO flaming Watsuki-sensei or other people. BIG no-no.
Thank you...
Dr. Panda
(drpanda@crosswinds.net)
3/12/99