From: "Dr. Panda" Well, I promised, so here it is. Things should hoeply pick up by the next chapter, but we'll see how it works. Thank you very much, Naga-san for spot-checking this chapter. I hope that I didn't miss anything! As usual C&C is welcome. Last Shreds: Part 2b Confusion A Rurouni Kenshin fan fiction by Dr. Panda [drpanda@crosswinds.net] 2nd draft 6/8/99 C&C WELCOME!! *********************************************************************** The standard disclaimers apply. A HUGE thank you to Naga-san for looking this over and pointing out all the screw-ups. If I missed correcting any, it's MY fault alone. ********************************************************************* **SPOILER ALERT: Please note that this fanfic is supposed to occur during the manga and is pre-Revenge. Throughout the story there will be Revenge-arc spoilers. The main story, however, has no direct link with the events in the Revenge-arc. Coming in some later part, depending, will be a fairly major Kyoto spoiler if you don't know what "baka-deshi" refers to. Sheesh, I hate writing spoiler warnings, mainly because they sound so lame when I write them. Enjoy the fic! *********************************************************************** [ ] denotes mental conversation ( ) denotes thought ---------------- The cloaked man sat there, eyes and ears open, as he laughed quietly to himself. He had finally revealed himself to Himura "Kenshin". Of course, he knew that there wasn't any danger. Kenshin still did not know exactly who he was. The man laughed again, silently. Kenshin didn't know, and he had given him such a large clue too! Well, he would continue to watch for now, a spying raven in the dark. For now, things for going to get.interesting. They sat around the table, silent. Kenshin could tell that they wanted to say something, but none of them knew where to start. They had all fought at the risk of their own lives before, but none of them had ever taken the life of another human being. None of them knew what it was like, what it meant, how it felt. That domain was that of a former assassin, and he would be dammed if he let any of them into it. He felt his heart beat faster, and his fists clench, such was hiss rage. His face must have changed, because Yahiko had opened his mouth to say something, to ask a question, but after one glance at Kenshin, had broken off before he had truly begun. With an effort, Kenshin smoothed his features. "Yes, Yahiko?" The young student flushed, unable to summon the nerve to ask the question that he so wanted answer. Kenshin saw it plain on his face. "Yahiko.do you really want to know how it feels.to know that you have killed someone one?" Yahiko blanched, gulping. "Well, um." "Trust me, you don't want to know." Kenshin smiled grimly, a mocking, dead smile. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kaoru start in surprise. He knew what she was thinking. She was trying to reconcile the curt, unresponsive man in front of her with the normally outgoing rurouni. "But Kenshin." "Oh, you mean you really want to know how it feels to destroy forever the future of one person?" Kenshin's reply was short and sharp. Yahiko flinched as if he had slapped. Now they were all staring at him. Yahiko shivered and flinched again. Kenshin himself was inwardly startled. What had happened to all that self-control that he had cultivated for so long? He felt uneasy, self-doubting, a stark contrast to a few minutes ago. His emotions were rapidly passing from one extreme to the other. And taking it out on Yahiko, of all people?! Heaven knew the boy didn't need that kind of rejection, especially from someone in whom he believed so much. Had that conversation with "himself" disturbed him so much? He couldn't have actually been talking to himself.could he? "I'm sorry, Yahiko. I'm just feeling a bit tense." Kenshin tried to smile normally but was unable. He just.didn't feel like it. "I'll tell you what I can." He settled back on his cushion, gathering his thoughts before starting. "The first time." his voice trailed off. He really didn't want to talk about it. Especially not with Yahiko. [Why don't you just tell him to go out and try for himself?] asked the little voice, curious. Kenshin's felt his eyes shoot open. He had definitely heard it this time. It was no aftereffect from that strange dream. Battousai was real and alive inside of him. He felt his insides grow cold. [What are you talking about?!] [You don't want to have to describe what it feels like.because you can't really.] remarked the voice reasonably. Kenshin couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had certainly never been like that! [So what?! I should advise him to go out a kill someone? That's insane!] [Not really.it would be the best way.] [I won't be responsible for the creation of a homicidal maniac.] [Responsible? You're talking about being responsible while you sit there and try to tell a ten-year old how it feels to kill?] asked the voice in sarcastic disbelief. Kenshin felt as if he had been stabbed by an icicle. [No! That's not what I'm doing!] [Oh? The day the first person dies under Yahiko's sword, will you sit and whine about how you're not responsible?] the tone of the voice changed, still angry, but now somehow condescending. [Shut up! It's not like that!] "Kenshin?" Kenshin grimaced. "Look, Yahiko, I really don't want to talk about it." Silence reigned. For a long moment, no one spoke. No one even looked up. "Why can't you just.forgive yourself?" Megumi's voice was quiet, unsure, but grew louder as she continued. "Those people were murderers! If you hadn't gotten back to the dojo in time, who knows what they would have done?!" "Is that supposed to make it any better?" Kenshin replied quietly and determinedly. "Can I just say, 'it's all right, they were bad people' and pretend that I'm not just like them?" "But you're not!" Megumi insisted, and the others agreed with her, "You're a good man. If you were just like them, you wouldn't be here." Kenshin looked at her, looked at all of them. Looked at Kaoru. "Am I really different from them?" his voice quavered and he felt his heart catch. "Kaoru?" He saw her eyes widen as he spoke her name, without any of the normal inflections of formality. For a full second, she didn't say anything but gazed into his face, and he felt his head lighten. She smiled. "Yes, Kenshin, you are." Yahiko, Sano, and Megumi smiled. Kenshin felt his own eyes widen and his heart jumped into his throat. He didn't know what he might have said, however, because at that moment, the little voice came back and soured his the warm feelings rising in him. [Don't kid yourself. It's not their forgiveness you're after.] [Can't you leave me alone?] [Ah yes, the ultimate denial of reality. Hiko-shishou was right in the end.] This time, the voice's sarcastic tone had a different kind of edge to it. It could have been an edge of disappointment, but after listening longer, Kenshin realized it was actually an expression of contempt. [What's that supposed to mean?] [You have this profound ability to place a huge amount of importance on the utterance of a few words.] [Why shouldn't I?] The voice laughed in disbelief. The contemptuous tone grew more defined.and strangely enough, so did a feeling of despair. [Why can't you think for yourself, then?] [I do. You of all people should know that.] The voice was silent. [These people are the only ones who matter for me. Why shouldn't I base my own self-esteem on how they see me?] [They only see part of you.] [It's the only part that matters.] [.] [How does it feel to know that I don't need you?] [Don't you?] [I don't.] [Really?] [No.] [I think you do.] [No! It's because of you that so many people have suffered!] [Really? Many of them were "bad men", according to your thinking.] [And it's with them that you belong. I told you before: I won't have any part of you anymore.] [Do you hate me that much?] [Why shouldn't I hate you? You took everything from me.] [How dare you?!] Kenshin started. Before, the voice had remained condescending, cool, and manipulative. But now, in those three words, rage punctuated every syllable. [How dare you think that?!] [It's true. You taught me to kill, and thanks to your teachings I lost what was to me the most precious thing in the world. If I hadn't succumbed to your murderous rage, she would still be alive.] Kenshin shuddered as he was assailed by memories he had so long wanted to forget or at least to lessen in clarity. Tomoe's rare smile. Her dry tone of voice. The way she had taken care of him, seen as person, not a killer. Her cry mingled with his as he felt, but couldn't see, his katana slash across the back of her neck. The images seemed only to inflame the little voice. It grew quiet, yet a tone of menace slowly crept in, gaining force, growing larger, even as the voice grew softer. [Look, you swaggering little twerp, don't you think for a moment that I wanted that to happen! I gave you nothing but the will to fight on.] [If I had gone slower.] [Both you and she would be dead!] [If you hadn't been there, she would never have been subjected to what I forced on her.] ["Forced on her"?! She made her own choice! Can you begrudge her that?!] Kenshin couldn't reply. "Kenshin!" "Eh? What?" Kenshin shook his head, trying desperately to compose himself. "Nan de gozaru ka, minna?" No one answered, they just looked at him. Surprised, he glanced around. Sanosuke and Yahiko looked confused and apprehensive, Megumi's face was lined with worry, and Kaoru.her face was a study of anxiety, fear, and foreboding as she almost imperceptibly wrung her hands. "What?" Megumi and Kaoru exchanged glances. He hated it when they did that. He had a sinking feeling that he knew what they would say next. "Ken-san," began Megumi tentatively, "I think that you should come with me to the clinic." Kenshin sighed. Somehow, he knew that she was going to say that. "Don't worry, Megumi-dono, I'm fine." He winced. Even to himself, his voice sounded unsure and shaky. "Kenshin, please," begged Kaoru, "You were hurt in that fight, hurt badly, and maybe worse than you think. Please let Megumi-san check you!" Kenshin glanced at her, shocked, as tears began to fall down her cheeks. Gazing at them, he was reminded , for maybe the hundredth time, just how special a person he had found. He reached out, unconsciously, maybe to brush them away, maybe to just touch her face. Kaoru sat unmoving, wide eyes looking at him, searching his face for a hint of his feelings. There was a bump outside the door of the dojo. At the same moment, the hairs on the back of Kenshin's neck stood up, and he found his hand already on the hilt of his sakabatou. Sano and Yahiko leapt to their feet, instantly alert. Kenshin knew that their enemies had used some kind of gas bomb on them, the night before. This time, they clearly planned not to let anything by them. The door opened. "Himura-san?" The voice, coming from a uniformed police officer bearing the rank of a Sho-chou, was filled with hesitation and unease, as if its owner unconsciously sensed what lay in wait for him beyond the door. Kenshin slowly relaxed his grip as Kaoru exhaled audibly. Nevertheless, he held himself ready to strike out as Kaoru drew herself to her feet, and clasping the door frame with a trembling hand, slid closed the door. With Uramura Sho-chou came another policeman of the same rank who portrayed none of the trepidation displayed by his fellow officer, though his jaw was clenched in tension and his face somewhat pale. "Himura-san," intoned Uramura, bowing deeply from the waist, "Allow me to present Ichichou Murosuke-san, Sho-chou of the Setagaya village district, where you said the incident occurred." His companion, a short clean-shaven man, whose nervousness was betrayed by his quaking voice, also bowed. "ha-Hajimemashite, Himura Kenshin-san," Ichichou brought his eyes up glance rapidly, only once, before respectfully, and just as rapidly, averting his eyes. "i-Ichichou Murosuke desu, d-dozo yoroshiku." Kenshin replied in kind and then gestured with a nod for the two visitors to sit. "Himura-san," began Ichichou, somewhat slowly, intending to control for his stuttering. "I am here so you can tell me all about your attackers. As the chief of police for Setagayaku, I must take all steps to prevent these ruffians from coming again to my district, and I would greatly appreciate anything that you can tell me." "I thank you for your interest," Kenshin replied, frowning, "but truly, I gave Uramura-dono an account of what happened and there's nothing more that I can tell you." The two chiefs visibly winced and Kenshin began to feel uneasy. (strange.) "Gentleman, is there something wrong?" "Absolutely not!" Ichichou exclaimed. "It is just.Himura-san, Uramura-san impressed upon me who you are and I already know something of your actions here. I have nothing but the utter respect for you and everything that you have done." Kenshin felt puzzled, as well as somewhat annoyed. His reply, while still respectful, was laced at the same time with a hint of a warning for the squirming police chief. "But I already told everything to Uramura-dono when he came this morning." Ichichou looked pained and Uramura looked uncomfortable. "Yes, Himura-san, but, with all due respect, I believe that you must have made an error in your observations." Kenshin's eyes narrowed dangerously and he felt indignant rage begin to build in his chest as much as he tried to suppress it. After all he had been through in the past day, his convictions shredded, his nerves shot, and his confidence shaken, his hottest feelings, set free at last after a day-long stretch of utter, gray nothingness, now required an enormous act of will to control. It was as if all his calm had been stolen from the pool of his emotions.at the same time that a thing with golden eyes, long-dead but newly revived, reared its ugly head in that very same pool. "Just what are you saying?" he snarled out. Out of the barest corner of his eye, Kenshin saw Uramura, who had looked up, startled at the tone of his voice, and winced, but all of his real attention, for what it was worth, was focused on the man next to him, as he glared at Ichichou. The Setagaya police precinct-chief quailed under his gaze, a gaze that Kenshin could actually feel burning from his eyes, but somehow the man seemed to summon the courage to speak again. "You said, Himura-san," Ichichou gulped, then continued, "that you were attacked on the outskirts of the main market in Setagayaku." "And what of it?" Kenshin inquired softly, menacingly. Already, his heart had begun beating wildly, and he felt a breathe of cold air on his neck, as if someone, somehow, was watching him from the shadows. "Well." the short sho-chou's voice briefly failed him. "Yesterday, all the markets in the district were empty. There had been a funeral scheduled yesterday for the passing of one of our oldest town leaders, and so all the shops were closed, and so-" Kenshin didn't hear the chief finish his sentence. All of a sudden his mind seemed far, far away, listening to the haunting echoes of a demented, hysterical laughter. The cloaked man laughed uproariously to himself. Well, well, he thought, the game has just entered a new level of play, and the stakes are now higher than ever. Ladies and Gentleman, place your bets! To be Continued. ------------- Hajimemashite : How do you do (upon being introduced) Dozo yoroshiku : same as above; used with self-introduction Sho-chou: literally "government office head", in this context it would mean "Commissioner" or "Chief". Uramura's real title would probably be (I'm guessing here) Keisatsu-sho-chou meaning "Police Station-chief" About Setagayaku: All right, I honestly have no idea whether Setagayaku existed during the Meiji period. It migh have, but then it might have not. In any case, I felt, as it was somewhat removed from the center of Tokyo, or would have been, rather, that if it had existed it would have either been a large village or small town somewhat on the outskirts of Meiji Tokyo. But then again, this is all speculation on my part. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ONElist members are using Shared Files in great ways! http://www.onelist.com Are you? If not, see our homepage for details.