<> Thought
** Emphasis
## Non spoken conversation

Choices, Alone
Jade One

There wasn't any choice. I guess from the moment I agreed to come with him, to stay with him, there had never been any choice. But yet as I moved forward, as I felt the blade through my body and saw the old mans death, I felt regret. Not that I was dying, not that I loved him but that I had lived the way I had with him, that I had deceived him for so long. He had never been anything but open and honest with me. I regretted too that while I loved him, and I knew he loved me, he had expected to die then, my actions would cause him pain but it was better this way. Only if he lived, only if he carried on the fight could he put to rest the souls who haunted him, the souls of those he had killed by showing them what their blood had bought. By giving them the new age he so strongly believed in. He had to live and my life, for my deception, for my love was a small exchange for his. It was better this way.

Yet as I felt his warmth embrace me, I looked up into his eyes and saw the blood on his cheek, I knew the true pain my actions had caused him and the suffering this memory would bring. I felt the coldness close around me and I knew that it should not be so. This man, the Hitokiri Battousai did not deserve death and pain and loneliness as his only sustenance. In the brief time I had come to know him, had come to love him, I had seen him and I had understood him. He did not deserve death. He had already seen and experienced that so much. He did not deserve loneliness. The Hitokiri lived alone, truly trusting nothing, loving nothing. No... This man, Himura Kenshin, the hated murderer of my fiancé, the killer of so many others, my husband, my love should not be alone. And I screamed inside that I should be leaving him, that he would be alone. I do not regret  my actions, it was the only way and it is better this way. But my husband should not be alone, should not be hated and remembered as only the legendary Hitokiri. He should be loved and remembered for the peace his innocence bought. He should not be alone.

And then I felt it. The presence of death. The presence my husband knew so well. I saw his tears. Their crystal brilliance ran down his face and he was crying my name. A pang of guilt, that I should be the cause of this hurt. But this whole mess was my fault and it was better this way.

#Yes... It is better this way... But your regret, your desires are impeding the process... Let go!#

#NOooo! I can't leave him alone!#

#You have no choice. Let go... There is nothing you can do.#

#No. I won't leave him.# I remembered the first time I had truly seen him. I had watched, smelt, tasted the red rain as it had fallen. The chained sword was supposed to point out who he was to me, he did, and although I know it was not planned thus, it worked and I was with the Hitokiri, day and night, his companion in solitude.

#Let go. This choice was not yours to make.#

#No. He deserves more than death without end.# I remembered the boy I had woken to find and I had nearly laughed aloud. This boy, this child, was the legendary Hitokiri? This was the child whose sword filled the nightmares of many samurai! He was too young. He was too innocent. He was too gentle. And even though I could barely believe it, the rain, the red, red rain had told me it was so. This child was the legendary killer. This boy's sword, his innocence would buy the Ishin victory. I had started my journey then, my mission. Find his weakness and then show this youngling dragon's throat to the wolves. Avenge Akira.

#Let go!#

#NOoo!# But even as I answered I could feel the blood trickling into my lungs, taste its sweetness in my mouth. And I could feel the warmth of his body fading. I could not leave him alone but I was. I heard him call my name once more.

#Let go! It is your time to pass. If you stay much longer you will be stuck.#

There was regret in the tone. #Stay? He should not be alone. He should not be remembered only as a servant to you.# I remembered my brother. I had been shocked to see him but dreading the arrival of the messenger I knew some day would come. I just did not think it would be him and I had been hoping, some vague unformed longing, that this day would never come. The Hitokiri Battousai had killed Akira but I was happy living with him. Happy living the sham, the deception of husband and wife. It was after all, just one more deception for me. And it was a time when I could see that he was at peace. I knew the killing would begin again, in time, when we returned to Kyoto but I knew now, he knew, he understood what his goal was. I wouldn't have to fear one those days when he left, the black envelop in hand. I knew now, that when it started again, that he would always come back.

#Let go. You can not remain any longer or you will be here forever.#

There was desperation in the voice. An aching sadness, a warning. Stay? Forever? Yet that was not what I wanted. #I can't leave him alone.#

#Let go... Your time has passed.#

I remembered the night just passed. He had been so warm, so gentle as he listened to me speak. If he heard my lies he did not comment. I had smiled for him, something I had thought I would, could never do for such a man. But he is a riddle of contradictions and despite the hatred I had felt before, last night, wrapped in the blanket with him, so close, so intimate I had been happy and I knew that he deserved more than death.

#Let go...#

#I cannot leave him...#

I remembered the instant that I realized I loved him. The hated, ruthless, cold killer who had killed Akira. And I had come to love him. Irony? No just sadness and pain that it should come to this. I knew the man now, and he would never more be hated, ruthless or cold only loved, gentle and warm. I had stood there, looking out from the hut and I had seen him, seen Akira. But as I had looked Akira's clothing had shifted becoming torn and bloody, his hair had faded becoming long and red and his eyes, they had changed from brown into the yellow of hate. But yet I knew that amber gaze. It would not hurt me. My heart had exploded and I knew I had lost. I loved him. And I had made my choice, the choice that was no choice at all. And I knew he would be alone.

#I will go now...# I could see the pain in his eyes. The loss, the anguish, the war...

#Good.# The tone was satisfied, relieved.

#I will go now... If...#

#If???#

#If you promise me, he will not be alone.#

#Ssss... Alone, we are ALL alone.#

#Promise me! Promise me he will find peace, the peace that dies with me...#

#Peace..? A Hitokiri will never know peace...#

#That is not so... Promise me he will find peace, the peace my actions have taken away... The peace he felt, the joy of his simple games with the village children. His laughter...#

#Joy? Laughter? Peace?#

#Promise me he will not be alone!#

#He will not be alone daughter. He is my servant.#

#No! He should know the peace of life, not the peace of death.#

#Peace of life? Daughter... I know the future. And even I must honor one such as he. He will not serve me forever. I could not hold him that long. He will be alone daughter...#

#No!# I struggled to breathe, to live. I could not leave him alone.

#He will be alone, but as I must honor him, I must pay him for his service to me. He will not be alone. He will find the peace you wish for him but you will not be the one to give it. It must come from another. The other half of his soul. It will take time but he will not be alone...#

#Hai...# I looked into his eyes, one last time. I would not leave him alone and this had been the only way. The only way he could give himself and the souls of those he had brought to death would ever find their peace. He would kill again, I knew but those deaths would buy the peace his soul desired and eventually when the new world dawn those he had killed would understand and they would know the worth of their lives and what their blood had bought. He would be at peace and he would not be alone.

I do not regret my actions. It was the only way. And now that I knew he would find peace I could let go. My time had passed and I could dimly feel the one who would take my place. Her's was a soul of light. I smiled feeling her heart and knowing my concern had been addressed, I smiled so that he should remember me thus, smiling. He liked my smile and I had not smiled for him often. I knew he would not be alone and it was better this way. This way I could pay for my deception and my failure to prevent this night. This way I could pay for my intention to lay bare the dragons throat.

I love you. He should remember me happy, smiling for the joy he had given me, knowing that I did not hate, did not blame, did not desire revenge, that it should be he who took my life. It was the price that I owed him and he had made me happy.

"It's better this way... So please don't cry..." You will not be alone. I never got to say the last but I knew it was true and it made my smile deepen. He would not be alone.

Well? Questions? Comments?
 
This is slightly changed when I realised that I had forgotten to have Tomoe smile as she died. And I thought that the fact that she smiled when she died was a very important point. Besides in the manga it was such a touching scene, as was Kenshin and Tomoe's discussion of her past the night before. She had looked really happy, I thought, smiling at him in the manga. (Thank you Sylvia)

Okay. I believe that Tomoe had an important part to play in the RK story and as such I am nuetral to her. If she was still alive then I would definitely feel differently but she's not!