From: "Jedi Brother Horace" To the ML, And now for something more completely different. MEIJI TODAY A Ruroni Kenshin/Monty Python fanfic Brought to you by Jedi Brother Horace And A man with three buttocks CAPTION: MEIJI TODAY (Cut to a set for an interview program. The chairman, Jedi Brother Horace is seated with Kenshin and Aoshi at each side.) Jedi Brother Horace: Good Evening. On Meiji Today I have with me two people who lived in the era of the Meiji Restoration. On my right is Himura Kenshin, otherwise known as the Hitokiri Battousai. Kenshin: Konnichiwa. Jedi Brother Horace: How tall are you sir? Kenshin: .Oro? I beg your pardon? JBH: How tall are you? Kenshin: Oro? Sessha is five foot four. JBH: (turns to Aoshi).and the leader of the Oniwabanshuu. Shinomori.(turns back to Kenshin) are you really five foot four? Kenshin: Hai. JBH: Funny, you look much shorter than that to me. Are you slumped forward in your chair at all? Kenshin: Oro? No, I. JBH: Extraordinary. (turns back to Aoshi) Shinomori Aoshi, who's just become okashira once more, and who may well be just over six feet. Isn't that right, Aoshi-sama? Aoshi: (puzzled) Yes. JBH: In fact, I think you're about six foot two aren't you? Aoshi: Yes. (Applause from the audience. Aoshi looks up in amazement.) JBH: Oh that's marvelous. I mean you're a totally different kind of specimen, Aoshi-sama. Straight in your seat, erect, firm. Aoshi: (irritation in his voice) Yes, but I thought we were here to discuss about the Bakamatsu. JBH: Oh! Yes, yes, of course we are, yes, absolutely, you're absolutely right! That's positive thinking for you! (to Kenshin) You wouldn't have said anything like that you five foot four inch weed! (turns his back very ostentatiously on Kenshin) Shinomori Aoshi. (saunters in closer to Aoshi) Who's very interesting. Could you tell us more about your Kodachi Nitou Ryuu?" Aoshi: (pulls out one of his kodachi) Well it was a style of fighting I developed employing two kodachi... JBH: (to the audience) Very good speaking voice. Aoshi: (looks surprised and irritated at the interruption).after I was defeated by Battousai. I've used it to nearly kill Okina. JBH: How tall was Okina? Kenshin: Ah. He was. JBH: Shh!!! Aoshi: Well I think Okina's about five foot ten. JBH: A little hunched then .eh? He's all squat and bent up? Aoshi: Well, I don't know about that. JBH: (visibly excited) Who were the tall people? Aoshi: (sweatdrops) Eh? (In the background, Kenshin is starting to get very irritated) JBH: (livid with excitement) In the Oniwabanshuu?! Aoshi: (starts to get irritated) Look this is hardly relevant. JBH: (livid with joy) SAKIJO!! That's him! That was his name! That guy was more than eight foot tall! Can you imagine that?! Eight foot of solid muscle! Not one on another's shoulders, oh no-eight foot of solid muscle! That's why I call tall! Aoshi: (Very pissed off) Yes, but this has nothing to do with the Bakamatsu! JBH: (grabs Aoshi's kodachi and throws it to the ground) Oh to hell with the Bakamatsu! Kenshin: (stands up, livid with rage, eyes gleaming amber) Let sessha speak! I came all the way from Tokyo to do this program! I'm a master of the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu! Alright, Sessha is only five foot four! Alright Sessha's posture is bad! Alright Sessha looks like a girl! But I've had more women than either of you two! All of Kyoto that's what I've had! So you can keep your Shinomori Aoshi! And you can keep your bloody Sakijo! I'd rather have my little body.my little five foot four inch body.(breaks down sobbing) Aoshi: (to JBH) Damn you. Look what you've done to Battousai. JBH: Don't damn you me. Aoshi: (stands up) I'll do what I like, because I'm six foot two and I have punks like you for breakfast. (JBH stands up, but is floored by Aoshi with a well placed punch. JBH looks up fiercely while rubbing his chin) JBH: You'll pay for that, Shinomori! You'll pay for that even if I hunt you down all over Japan! (There is a crash of music. It sounds like something from a Western) CAPTION: OKASHIRA!-THE STORY OF THE ONE MAN'S STRUGGLE IN MEIJI JAPAN! (Cut to the Aoiya) SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: KYOTO-1880 (The Oniwabanshuu are busy setting up the Aoiya for business.) Misao: (voice over) It was all going well that year. Business was great and Aoshi-sama was smiling for once. (Cut to Aoshi who is seated on the porch sipping some tea with a note in his hand. Suddenly there is a sound of a organ and he sings in tune with it) Aoshi: Today, I hear the robin sing Today, the thrush is on the wing Today, who knows what life will bring Today. (Aoshi opens the letter and you see a small smile on his face as he reads it) Aoshi: Why. It's a letter from his Majesty the Emperor himself. (sings) Today!!! (speaks to Misao who is standing behind him) Misao, have a look at this. Misao: (eyes widen at the letter) Aoshi-sama! Is it.? Aoshi: Yes, from.the Emperor. Misao: Yatta! I'm so happy for you Aoshi-sama! Aoshi: I'm happy too, finally the Emperor has requested a task for us. The Oniwabanshuu! We'll finally regain our prestige and honor! (breaks into song once more) (singing) Today I hear the robin sing Today the thrush is on the wing! (He sweeps Misao in his arms as she joins him in song) Today who knows what life will bring (As they are about to kiss, there is a jarring chord and a loud crash as a shadow looms over them. We see Jedi Brother Horace standing atop the Aoiya wall) JBH: All right, Shinomori! Come on out! Aoshi: Don't forget.I'm six foot two. JBH: That doesn't worry me!.Kenshin! (JBH snaps his fingers, and from behind him Kenshin appears, fawning all over him) Kenshin: Here Lord. JBH: UP! (JBH snaps his fingers and Kenshin leaps on his shoulders) Aoshi: (surprised) Eleven foot three! Kenshin: I'm too tall! I'm too tall! Aoshi: Misao! (Misao leaps on his shoulders) JBH: Eleven foot six - damn you! Sanosuke! (Sano then jumps on Kenshin's shoulder) Aoshi: Fifteen foot four! Kuro! (Kuro jumps on Misao's shoulders) JBH: Nineteen foot three - damn you! Kaoru! (The kenjutsu komachi jumps on Sano) Aoshi: Twenty one foot four! Shiro! (Shiro then joins them) JBH: Thirty foot seven - damn you! Yahiko! (And so does Yahiko-chan) Aoshi: Thirty eight foot five! Okon! (But then again so does Okon) JBH: Forty foot four.damn you! (And so it goes, the two twin towers engage in combat. They charge at each other and then fall all over the courtyard. They continue their melee in the interior of the Aoiya, where we see a wooden pole labeled "Aoiya support beam". Sano however, shatters this with his Futae no Kiwami. And so the restaurant literally falls on top on their heads. And from the rubble crawls out a bloodied and battered Jedi Brother Horace) Jedi Brother Horace: (groggily) And there we end.this edition.of Meiji Today.Next week.Meiji era pottery.with Seiijuro Hiko.and then.a tour of Japan.with Seta Sojirou (he dies). #### Based on the Archealogy Today sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus. Forgive me. But I just had to write this. It was begging me to. Plus the fact that a moose threatened to eat my mother if I didn't. Til then. Bugger off. -Jedi Brother Horace --------------------------- ONElist Sponsor ---------------------------- GRAB THE GATOR! FREE SOFTWARE DOES ALL THE TYPING FOR YOU! Tired of filling out forms and remembering passwords? Gator fills in forms and passwords with just one click! Comes with $50 in free coupons! Click Here ------------------------------------------------------------------------