From: "Kathy F" Hello everyone!! This little bit of insanity was inspired by the Saturday night conversation at the IRC. (If you haven't been yet, you need to join us. See what you've missing?!?) I've never written script-form, or a parody before, so please let me know what you think. _________________________________________ A Letter From Kathy A Rurouni Kenshin Parodoy by kathryn **All standard disclaimers apply. Anything with a proper or brand name doesn't belong to me.** Dedicated to and fully blamed on Tatsuko, April, and Rissa. (If I've forgotten anyone involved in that insane conversation, please let me know!!) SPOILERS - End of the Kyoto arc (kinda) And now, on with the fic............. ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Ohayo, minna!! I just had to get up early and write you this letter to tell you what I saw on television last night!! I thought I was just gonna die laughing!! I was channel-surfing about 3 am (damn insomnia!) and I landed on the "Food Network." You know...the cooking channel. Well, I was just about to change the channel when I noticed that the next show was "Emeril Live!" In case you don't know, Emeril Lagasse is this chef from New Orleans who does crazy things, like encouraging his audience to yell "BAM" at the top of their lungs when he throws spices into his dishes to "kick up the flavor." He's really quite amusing, so I decided to watch. To my surprise, he was featuring a guest for this episode. When I saw who it was, I threw a tape into the VCR. Afterwards I jotted down a transcript. (I didn't know these people spoke English!!) I thought some of you (especially the dedicated dessert lovers from the IRC) might get a kick out of it!! And now - on with the show... #_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_# EMERIL LAGASSE - Hey, hey, everybody!! Welcome to the show!! Tonight we'll be kicking things up to notches formerly unknown to man!! As part of our "Thru Space and Time Series" we'll be cooking tonight with that hot potato from the Japanese Meiji Era - everybody please welcome - Shishio Makoto!!" **The crowd breaks into wild applause, except for the loud booing of several dedicated Kenshin fans in the back of the room They are quickly removed by security.** EL - Welcome, Shishio!! May I call you "Shis?" SHISHIO MAKOTO - You may not. EL - Ahhhh, OK. Before we get started, let me ask you a few questions. Like for instance, who is this lovely lady with you today? And why is she wearing a bathrobe? SM - You fool! She is not wearing a bath robe! She is wearing a kimono, and wearing it quite well, I might add!! Her name is Yumi Komagata, and she will be assisting me in presenting this evenings dishes. **Yumi slides off her kimono to reveal that she is wearing a large bib-style apron, with the logo "Kiss The Cook," (And very little else!)** EL - (sweatdrop) My God, lady!! Put that robe-thingie back on! This is a family show, for goodness sake! Uh...quick...let's go to commercial... --COMMERCIAL-- EL - Welcome back everyone! Tonight we're cooking with Shishio and Yumi! Shishio, I understand that you've come out with a brand new like of deserts that you wanted to share with us tonight. SM - That is so. EL - Man, I love desert, especially Oreos! They make me happy, happy! AUDIENCE - HAPPY!! HAPPY!! SM - Eh? Happy? Oreo? EL - Yeah! Food should make you feel happy, happy!! AUDIENCE - HAPPY!! HAPPY!! EL - And Oreos are this chocolate sandwich cookie with.... SM - Never mind. I am now ready to reveal my plans, er, that is, to reveal my new line of desserts to you. EL - Well OK, Shish!! Go for it!! SM - I TOLD you not to call me that. EL - (Gulp) Mr. Makoto, sir, if you'll just move that sword, I'll call you whatever you want me to. SM - (Sheaths sword) That is as it should be. You may call me Shishio-sama. EL - Yes sir! SM - Now for my first creation. **Yumi rolls out a large cart with several covered dishes** SM - I present to you "Siatoh Surprise." EL - Ummmm - looks like a coffee cake to me, Shish-sama SM - That is Shishio-sama, and it is "Siatoh Surprise." The flavor and texture are perfectly matched to the personality of Siatoh Hajimi, former 3rd Captain of the Shensin Gumi. EL - (Mumbling through a mouth full of cake) Well, it's not bad, but it is a little bland and dry. SM - Exactly. EL - Must be one exciting guy!! But don't you think if we just hit this baby with a little pinch of cinnamon, like this... AUDIENCE - BAM!!! EL - Mr. Shishio, sir, if you don't put that sword away, I'm going to have to get Security to take if from you. SM - (Evil smirk) You are welcome to try. **With an equally devilish grin, Emeril seizes a large kitchen knife, and drops into a fighting crouch** EL - Hey, man! Never threaten a chef who has a knife in his hand!! ANNOUNCER - And now a message from our sponsors. (Quick...somebody...!!!) **A slightly rumpled Emeril welcomes back his viewers** EL - Welcome back!! Hey, hey, we've not performing brain surgery here, we're just making a few desserts!! So Shiumi, and Yushio, what do you have for us next? SM - That's Shishio and Yumi, you fool!! And our next presentation is "Filet of Battousai." **Yumi whispers urgently in Shishios' ear** EL - Filet? I thought these were desserts...? SM - Gomen nasai!! I meant to say, we now present "Spirit of Battousai!" EL - Ummmm...I guess this is another one of those matching personality things, huh? SM - Of course! See the snowy white icing? Now see the dark red interior? This is just like the Hitokiri Battousai, Himura Kenshin!! He hides his true nature under that innocent shell, but I know who he really is!! EL - (In an aside to the camera) I think our boy here has some issues!! EL - Excuse me, Yumio... SM - It's Shishio you idiot!! Why do you interrupt me? EL - Well, we just call this cake "Red Velvet." I'm afraid it's not very original. You can't just rename it and call it yours. SM - What?!? Are you telling me what I can do with FOOD?!? Don't you know that the weak are only food for the strong, and I am the strongest!! I can do anything with food that I wish!! EL - Well, it is MY show, and I'm not so sure Kenshin would agree that you are the strongest, so... SM - That was not a fair fight! He cheated! He pretended to be dead! Since Yumi and I possess the Amazing Anime-Regeneration Powers, we have returned to seek revenge on those who dared to stand against us!! EL - But I thought you were here to make desserts...? SM - Oh - that's just a hobby! Revenge actually get pretty boring on a 24/7 basis. The desserts are paying off really well, too. Everything is so expensive these days! EL - OooooooooK! Uh, well, time's starting to run a little short. Why don't you just tell us about these other dishes here? SM - Certainly. The rest of our new dessert line includes the following items: *Shinomori-sans' Frozen Strawberry Delight; *Megumi-sensais' Delicate Lady Fingers; *Kamiya-sans' Fresh Cherry Pie; *Sagara-sans' Indulgent Chocolate Brownies; *Makimachi-sans' Bouncing JelloTreats; *Yahiko-chans' Don't Call Me Chan Cupcakes; and finally *Tomoe-sans' Bittersweet Dark Chocolate Torte. EL - Tomoe? I don't remember her from the TV series. SM - No, you have to read the Manga. EL - I see. Well, Shiskoto, I guess that about wraps it up, so,,, SM - THE NAME IS SHISHIO MAKOTO YOU IDIOT and we are NOT done. I still have my grand finale to prepare, live before your audience! Yumi, you may prepare the ingredients! EL - All right!! Ladies and gents, right here on Emeril Live, a cooking demonstration by the famous chef, Shishio Macaroni!! **Yumi frantically holds on to an enraged Shishio as he tries to kill an evilly smirking Emeril** EL - Hey!! I SAID it was my show, didn't I? I can call you whatever I like. So are we gonna cook or fight? **Shishio sniffs in disdain** SM - You are not worth the time or effort of a battle, and besides, I am ready for my final presentation. (Turns to Yumi) The Secret Ingredients, please!! EL - Hey, what are you guys doing over there? **Shishio suddenly turns, holding a large tray of graham crackers, topped with pieces of chocolate and marshmallows** EL - OH NO!!! You don't mean.....?!? SM - That's right!! Shishio'mores!! **Shishio begins to strip away the bandages from his upper body** SM - This dessert will be specially prepared by the heat of my own body!! EL - No! No! Stop! Don't do it!! **Flames begin to errupt around the set** EL - Go to commercial! Go to commercial! Go to.... --COMMERCIAL-- EL - Hey, hey, welcome back!! Well thank you Shishio, for that flambe ending!! SM - You are welcome. EM - Don't you know what sarcasm is? So where can we get these desserts you've shown us tonight, just in case anyone MIGHT want them? **Shishio ignores Emeril, and calmly puffs on his pipe** YK - I can help you with that one, Emeril-san. (She runs her hands suggestively over Shishio's rebandaged shoulders and chest.) You can order any of our product from our website. The address is xxx.onehotbod.com. **Emeril facefaults and sweatdrops** YK - How did you do that?? You're not an anime character!! EL - It take talent, baby!! So, is that his website, or YOURS, sugar? **Yumi smacks Emeril while Shishio snickers behind his hand** EL - Ororororo.... Anyway, thanks to our guests tonight, Shishio Macaroon and the lovely lady Yuckie!! Be sure to join us next time as our "Thru Space and Time Series" continues with Genghis Kahn, and Yak Stew! Yum-yum!! **Final scene: Security guards storm the stage as Shishio, Yumi and Emeril merge in a cloud of flying fists, feet, tantos, swords and butcher knives.** #_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_# Whew!! I hope you enjoyed my transcript as much as I enjoyed watching the show. You should have seen the look on Shishios' face when Emeril called him "Macaroon!" And I nearly fell out of my chair when Emeril said, "Oro!" Oh my!! I laughed until I cried!! I was going to offer to send you all copies of the tape, but the strangest thing happened. The tape played fine the first time, when I was writing the transcript. Later when I tried to show it to my brother, the whole tape was blank, somehow. He said I dreamed the whole thing!! (You know he thinks I'm crazy, anyway! ^_^) But I know I really saw it, 'cause this stuff was just too funny to make up. Gotta go now, I've only had about 3 hours sleep. Be sure and write soon, 'cause you know I miss you all!! 'Til next time... Love ya, Kathy ________________END__________________ Free, fast e-mail accessible anytime, anywhere http://www.imaginemail.com --------------------------- ONElist Sponsor ---------------------------- GRAB THE GATOR! FREE SOFTWARE DOES ALL THE TYPING FOR YOU! Tired of filling out forms and remembering passwords? Gator fills in forms and passwords with just one click! Comes with $50 in free coupons! Click Here ------------------------------------------------------------------------