From: "Kathy" Hello everyone!! Well, I've finished my first fic of the new year. (After much pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth.) C&C humbly requested on this one, as always. BTW, my email is giving me fits, so my apology in advance if this doesn't go through in it's entirety. And so, without further procrastination: _______________________________________________ SUNFLOWERS by kathryn **Usual disclaimers apply. **Featuring the song "Sunflowers" by Everclear. _______________________________ **Flashbacks are indicated like this.** [Thoughts are indicated like this.] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know where you go when you wanna fall Why do you wanna be broken? I know where you go when you wanna fall Yes, your friends, they tell me everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Shinomori Aoshi made his way slowly through the courtyard of the Aoiya, to the small side gate. Passing through, he fastened the gate behind him. As he made his way along the path, the early morning mist closed around him, hiding him from view. With a shiver, Misao turned away from her upstairs window, and padded back to her futon. Wrapping herself in a warm blanket, she replayed in her thoughts the events of the previous evening. _________________________________________________________ **Aoshi sat alone in the cold evening silence of the Aoiya courtyard. She was about to join him in the barren garden, when the question from an unseen speaker stopped her in her tracks. Standing in the shadow of the doorway, she unashamedly listened in fascination. "How long are you going to continue this?" Okina's voice rang out in the darkness. By the bright light of the moon, she saw Aoshi respond to the question with only the inquiring arch of one dark brow. "How long are you going to continue this penitence? As Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu, there are duties to which you should attend, decisions you should make...." Okina's voice faded as Aoshi 's steady gaze fastened on the older man. "I am no longer the Okashira." Okina responded to the flat statement with a dismissing wave of his hands. "You know Misao's decision to take the title of Okashira was the only one she could have made at the time. There had to be a leader in place when Shishio and his Jupon Gatana attacked the Aoiya. After that crisis was over, she would have been glad to relinquish the title back to you." "I'm not so sure of that," Aoshi responded calmly. "I'm not so sure of that," thought Misao angrily, as she shivered in the shadows. Aoshi continued, "Misao will be having a birthday in a few days time, Okina. She has matured much in these last few years. She has done well as Okishira, and grown into an able leader, with your help and guidance. I see no reason to try to step into the position she now holds." "Yes, she HAS matured," cackled the old man obscenely. "Misao-chan is all grown up, isn't she?" Ignoring the implications of Okina's comments, Aoshi sat lost in his own thoughts. [She really has not done badly as Okashira. Business has proceeded as usual, and all the assignments she's accepted have been completed well and on schedule. And she's been very careful to verify that all of those jobs were requested for honorable reasons. And not one member of the Oniwabanshuu has been killed in the line of duty these years she has been in charge. Which is better than I can say for myself. Hanya...Shikijo...Besshimi...Hyotoko...will I never be able to find a way to give your sacrifice a better meaning. Chuushin no douhou...I continue to search myself for some answer...but...] Still huddled in the shadows of the doorway, Misao was at first confused, the astonished as the feelings of grief, loss and guilt flooded over her. As she stared at the silent Aoshi, she began to understand. Okina had always predicted that when she reached a certain level in her training she would possibly be able to experience ki - the energy of a persons' spirit. Since her training had been sporadic at best for the past several years, she had all but abandoned hope of achieving this skill. However, she realized that what she was feeling was a window into Aoshi's soul. As many women can, she had always been able to sense the surface emotions of the man she cared so deeply about, but this was totally different. Still, it seemed appropriate that the first experience she would have with this new phenomenon would be shared with her Aoshi-sama... As suddenly as it had began, the connection was broken, as Aoshi's head jerked up and his eyes fastened on the very spot where she stood in the shadows. Her hand over her mouth stifled her gasp at the almost physical sensation of the link between them being broken. Shakily, she retreated into the building and made her way silently up the stairs to bed. Seeing the sudden movement of Aoshi's head, Okina turned to follow his gaze. "What's wrong, Aoshi?" "Nothing, Okina. It's growing colder, so let's go in and get some sleep."** _________________________________________________________ Later, as Aoshi lay in the still darkness, he replayed the incident in his mind. Of course, he had know the exact moment Misao had taken her hiding place to listen to them. No one had gotten close to Shinomori Aoshi for years without his knowledge. The things he'd said to Okina about Misao were all true, and he had not minded her hearing them. He had been totally surprised, however, when he felt the link he had unconsciously established with Misao. He had long ago mastered sword ki, but what they had shared had felt different...softer... As a young boy, he'd been taught the disadvantages of feeling or showing emotions. He'd been told that emotions were a weakness, and a weakness in your defenses that could lead to defeat. He'd been surprised at the strength of her emotions, as they poured over him, but he'd been AMAZED at the effect of those same emotions on his heart. Tonight had been a new experience for him. The ki of love...amazing. He'd never experienced it before. Still, he would have kept his mental shields in place if he had known there was anyone nearby who could sense him. He wondered exactly when Misao had reached this new level. Spending his days in silence at the shrine was not the best way to keep up with the daily lives of the people around him. It was, or course, meant to have exactly the opposite effect. Soon after his return from Shishio's stronghold, Misao had begun to come to him for advice in leading the Oniwabanshuu. After he rebuffed her a few times, she had turned to Okina for guidance. Since that time Aoshi had outwardly acknowledged the most basic knowledge of the groups' activities. He had separated himself from everyone and everything around him. Spending each day in meditation, he sought peace within himself from the inner turmoil he never showed the world. In light of that fact, the emotional connection he had just shared with Misao had come as a complete shock. Even more so had been the force of the feeling she'd unknowingly thrown back at him. His own grief and loss had been magnified and returned as her own, along with the guilt. Not his...but hers........ [She actually feels guilty because she hasn't been able to help me find peace. Not only as the man she loves, but also as a member of the Oniwabanshuu - one of her people...] Aoshi didn't dwell on his acceptance of Misao's affections. He'd always know how she had felt about him, even though he'd largely dismissed those feelings as a childish crush. He'd often wondered if she would still feel the same was she was mature enough to know what love really was. But the maturity of her emotions tonight had been a revelation. Those two facts continued to chase each other around Aoshi's tired brain long after he had finally fallen asleep. Aoshi rose early and quickly dressed in the pale morning light. You would never guess from his smooth brow the depths of his emotions as the events of the previous evening returned to haunt his thoughts. Setting aside such mundane matters, he began to seek the proper frame of mind for the days' meditation. His calm firmly in place, he carefully resisted the urge to turn and look up at Misao as she stood watching him from her bedroom window. As he passed through the garden gate, he was already practicing the breath control exercises needed for his meditations. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yes know where you go Yes I know what you do Yes I know the awful things you say And who you say them to Yes I know where you go Yes I know what you do ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A short time later Misao made her way down to the Aoiya kitchen for her morning tea. As she entered the room Okon and Omasu abruptly fell silent. Misao sighed, "It's all right. I heard you from the stairs. Yes, Aoshi-sama has gone to the shrine for the day. To meditate. Again." With the last word, she sat her tea cup down sharply on the table. She sighed again, this time in exasperation. Omasu and Okon exchanged a knowing glance. "He goes to that shrine every single day! He sits. He meditates. He beats himself up for a past he can't change. He comes home. Then he does it all again the next day. How long is this going to go on? How long am I going to LET it go on? I am the Okashira, after all. The ninja girls' look this time contained both wonder and amusement. Wonder that anyone could "let" Aoshi do anything, and amusement that Misao seemed to have forgotten their presence entirely. Wisely, neither of them offered a comment as they slipped quietly from the room, leaving Misao alone with her thoughts. [You always hid your emotions so well, Aoshi-sama. I always knew you felt guilty over their deaths, but I never understood the depths of your self-hatred. Last night I heard what you think about yourself. You said you wanted to give their deaths meaning...but...I never realized...How can I help you?] Misao closed her eyes and laid her head on her folded arms on the table before her as her mind framed the question she'd been unable to answer, even after all this time. "How to help Aoshi-sama?" This was her failure - the thing for which she beat herself up on an almost daily basis. Maybe she, too, should take up meditation at the shrine.... Her laughter echoed through the Aoiya as she tried to imagine herself calm and serene, spending hours in the lotus position, seeking inner truth. Okina smiled as the sound of Misao's laughter reached him. What a wonderful way to start the morning. The smile faded a bit as he recalled the events of the previous evening. Of course, he had also know Misao was listening to his conversation with Aoshi. That's why he had instigated it. All these years of trying to provoke an emotional response form Aoshi, and he wasn't ready to give up just yet. The remnants of the smile disappeared entirely as Misao's shouted words echoed throughout the building. "Jiya!! I'm going to the shrine for a little while. I'll be back later!" Okina's head popped out through the window as he called to the girl already out in the courtyard. "Misao, wait!!" "Don't worry, Jiya. I'll be back soon," she sang out as she bounced from view. "Misao....." Okina sighed in defeat as he watched the end of her long braid dance around her shoulders as she ran through the gate. Okina turned away from the window in disappointment. He'd wanted to talk to Misao about the connection she'd made to Aoshi the previous evening. [I may have never mastered ki, but I've been a ninja since before those two were born, and I know what was happening between them. I wonder if Misao knows that she's sending out even more energy than she's receiving. She doesn't know how to shield herself yet. I can't be her teacher in this matter. Aoshi will have to do it.] Okina's heart sank as he realized the unlikelyhood of Aoshi returning to the real world long enough for Misao's training. [We can hardly get him away from that temple to eat and sleep. Perhaps if I had a little talk with him...] Remembrance of how previous "little talks" had gone left Okina racking his brain for another solution. Suddenly his eyes lit up as a wonderful Idea came to him. [Hiko Seijuro!] Meanwhile Misao stood in silent hesitation outside the shrine where Aoshi spent his days. Gathering her determination, she climbed the steps and slid open the shoji screen to the room where he sat. She hadn't been to the shrine in a long time, but Aoshi still sat in the same room he'd been using since he started his spiritual journey. She stood silently for a moment, before sinking to her knees directly before him. As he continued to sit with eyes closed, she took advantage of the situation to study him closely. He'd aged after he'd returned to the Aoiya. There were fine lines at the corners of his eyes and mouth, and amazing, she could see a single strand of shining gray in is dark hair. Not even stopping to consider her actions, her hand lifted from her thigh to pluck out the offending hair. Her hand was seized with startling rapidity. As he lowered her hand back to her thigh, Aoshi's eyes opened, and he asked calmly, "What do you want, Misao?" "Aoshi-sama...I wanted to talk to you about...about last night!" As he simply continued to stare at her, Misao continued in exasperation, "Last night, Aoshi-sama! I know you felt it too. It was incredible. I knew we were connected, but I never knew..." Her words halted abruptly as his calmly neutral voice overrode hers. "I have no idea what you are talking about, Misao." She stared at him in amazement, before anger overcame good sense, and she began to speak in a quiet voice of steel determination. "Do you really think you can keep hiding from me after what happened last night? I felt your emotions, and I heard your thoughts! Don't you think it's about time you let the past go, and start thinking about the future? I loved Hyotoko, Shikijo, Besshimi and Hanya too, but I've said my good-byes to them and moved on. Don't you think it's about time you let their spirits rest? "You didn't get them killed." Misao winced at the pain that she now knew was hidden in the flat statement. "Neither did you! Their devotion to their duty got them killed, because that's the kind of commitment it takes to be a member of the Oniwabanshuu. That's a chance we all take everyday. And that's another thing, Aoshi-sama. Our world is changing so quickly around us everyday. The Oniwabanshuu needs you back as an active member..." [I need you, Aoshi...] "The world has changed since it began, Misao, and yet we all continue in the best way we know." He studied the young woman before him, drawn to her feet by the passion of her words. Suddenly her face was overlaid by the image of a visage slightly older, but very similar. His mind was filled with the memories of the many times he had seen her mother stand in exactly the same stance. She had hidden her outward display of emotion better than Misao, but her eyes were almost exactly the same. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know how you feel - you get crazy inside They say it runs in the family I know just how you feel when you get crazy inside Your mom she said that you are just like me I can see it in your eyes I can see your shaky hands I think you think I'm stupid You don't think I understand I see you and I see myself when I was a younger man ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In a detached voice, Aoshi commented, "you've very much like her, you know?" "Like WHO?" "Your mother." "My WHAT?" "I remember her..." he continued almost dreamily. "She would get so angry, but she hid it all - except for her eyes. And her whole body would develop this fine tremor, just like yours is doing now." "Aoshi-sama..." "You always threw the most incredible temper tantrums. I remember once when you were very young, you carried on for hours. I asked your mother if she could do anything about all the noise, and she just smiled at me. She told me it was best to let you get all that emotion out of your system. She also told me I was exactly the same way, at that age." [NO! I will never believe my Aoshi-sama threw a temper tantrum, no mater what his age!] The sudden image of a cold-eyed Aoshi calmly demanding that his diaper be changed caused her to erupt in uncontrollable giggles. The sound of her laughter broke the spell, and Aoshi returned to the present, allowing the memories to slide away with a regretful sigh. "Go back to the Aoiya, Misao. There is nothing for you here. I will not leave this place until I find the answers I am seeking, and I can not, and will not help you with the training you will now require. Okina will find someone else to help you." "But, Aoshi-sama...." "Go home, Misao." The cold finality of the phrase effectively stopped her words. She stared at Aoshi for a few moments longer, as he seemed to slide back into his meditation. Then she turned, and left the shrine. Aoshi was not actually meditating, but paying another visit to the past, and the memories that Misao had invoked in him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When you were a child, you were happy and free You were my reason to life I would die when you smiled at me I can still see you... I remember you painting Sunflowers in your room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _________________________________________________________ **She could not have been more than 4 or 5... He'd watched her dig a shallow trench in the hard soil of the courtyard with a knife evidently taken from the kitchen. He'd been concerned to see her with it, but it was obviously old and very dull. And even at the tender age, she'd seen the ninjas training with kunai and was very careful of the edge. She'd dumped the seeds, which had been tightly gripped in her fist, into the hole and firmly packed the soil back into the hole. He continued to watch as she trudged to the well, and returned with a large dipper of water. After flooding the newly planted seeds with the entire contents of the dipper, she sat back on her heels and watched the ground with rapt attention. Finally, Aoshi stepped forward from the shadows and quietly greeted the kneeling child. "Konnichiwa, Misao." "Konnichiwa, Aoshi-sama," she returned his greeting with solemn dignity. "What are you doing, Misao?" "Waiting for the hi-mawaru, Aoshi-sama." "Hi-mawaru, Misao? I don't understand. What are you waiting for?" Eagerly grasping one of his hands in both of her muddy ones, she began trying to pull him towards the nearby doorway. "Come and see the hi-mawaru, Aoshi-sama!" He let her lead him inside the Aoiya and up the stairs to her bedroom. Sliding open the door to her room, Misao pulled Aoshi inside and proudly indicated the walls around them. With a grand gesture, she announced, "Hi-mawaru, Aoshi-sama!" As he gazed around the now brightly decorated room, Aoshi was amazed to see huge yellow painted flowers staring back at him from every surface that Misao had been able to reach. "The lady taught me about hi-mawaru, Aoshi-sama. She said that they would grow as big as you, and you can cook them and you can squeeze them, and put them into lamps!" Her eyes were wide with wonder at the thought of flowers taller than her Aoshi. Understanding came to him suddenly as he recalled the gaijin family staying next door to the Aoiya. The father was in Japan to introduce new agricultural developments from the West. Obviously this flower was the source of some type of cooking and lamp oil. And he'd seen the daughter of the family painting in the garden...PAINTING!!! "Misao, where did you get the paints for these pictures?" "From Ann-san, Aoshi-sama. She was painting hi-mawaru, and she taught me." "Did she tell you to paint the walls, Misao?" A suddenly wary child looked up at Aoshi, and the idea that she might have done something wrong loomed large in her thoughts. With the threat of tears welling in her eyes, she tried to control her quivering lower lip. "Aoshi-sama? Do you..do you like my hi-mawaru?" Sighing at the knowledge that this tiny girl could completely demolish his defenses, he quickly squatted before her. He gently brushed her bangs from her eyes, and with his thumb, caught the single tear that slid down her cheek before it could drip off her chin. In a soothing voice, he gave her the only possible answer. "Hai, Misao. I like your hi-mawaru very much. Only next time, be sure to ask before you paint on the walls, all right? Reacting with the lightning fast emotions only a child possesses, she threw her arms around his neck in a tight hug. Momentarily indulging in his desire to return her innocent affection, Aoshi was glad his face was hidden over Misao's shoulder as he suppressed a groan at her next words. "I can paint Hi-mawaru in your room, too, Aoshi-sama. I can start right away. I have plenty of paints...."** _________________________________________________________ Aoshi smiled inwardly at the memory of how carefully he'd had to explain to the child that she couldn't paint flowers in his bedroom. It had almost been easier to face the look in Okina's eyes when his Okashira had stipulated that Misao was not to be punished for her antics, but merely actively encouraged not to add to her artwork. Aoshi sighed. And in a few months, he was gone. He'd left the Aoiya to find...what? Meaning, perhaps...or perhaps a sense of belonging, of usefulness that had been destroyed along with the Tokugawa Shogunate. He'd left with four men who loved and honored him above all others - men who swore they would follow him, even into death. And they had done so without hesitation. He'd returned to a home broken, crippled by his own treachery, and his "family" had welcomed him. They had accepted his apologies and forgiven his actions as if they had never been. Forgiveness...acceptance...what precious things. He sought them within himself as desperately as an addict seeks a drug, or a lonely heart seeks love. Misao could grant him the peace he sought, and heal his battered heart. The thought simply appeared, fully formed in his mind, with the shocking suddenness of a stone dropped into a still pool. As the ripples from the initial impact slowly eroded the pain and doubt in his heart, Aoshi gave in to the knowledge that he had been denying for so long. His love for Misao had grown and changed, just as she had. He'd fallen the first time her mother had placed her in his arms, and he'd never recovered. He could still feel her tiny fist tightly wrapped around his finger. He realized that not once, in all these years, had she ever released her grip. Nor did he wish her to He had loved her in many different ways during their lives. Now he loved her as a man loves a woman, for a woman she had become. Most girls were married and had children at her age. He wondered if she considered herself an old maid. The thought brought a hint of a smile to his usually impassive face. Aoshi continued to search his own heart, and one thing became almost embarrassingly clear. For quite some time now, his "meditation" had actually been simple reminiscence. And although it pained him to admit it, his healing had turned into hiding. The question was...what was he going to do about it? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know where you go when you wanna fall Hey, don't you wanna be happy I know just were you go when you wanna fall Your useless friends, they tell me everything, yeah everything I see you run around in circles I see you digging your own hole I see you fight the fights that you just can't win I see you losing your self control What it does to me deep down inside I hope you'll never know ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Okina could tell from the way Misao walked that her visit to the shrine had not gone well. Her hands shoved into the pockets of the shorts she wore year round, she angrily kicked a rock that had the audacity to lie in her path. [Uh oh! Hurt AND angry! Let's see where this leads...] Meeting her in one of the common rooms of the restaurant, Okina asked Misao to join him for a cup of tea. Recalling that she'd never actually drank any of the cup she'd poured herself that morning, Misao was happy to join the older man. Happy, that is, until she heard his plans for her. "Hiko Seijouro?!? Jiya, no!! Why can't you or Aoshi-sama... Why can't someone here teach me about ki?" "Because there's only one person here who could do it, Misao-chan," Okina replied gently. "I don't believe you can put off your training until he's ready to rejoin us. You have to learn, child, and Hiko is the best teacher I can think of, if he'll have you." "We've got to get Aoshi-sama out of that shrine, and back into life, Jiya," she burst out. At his bemused look, she blushed. "Not just to teach me about ki! Jiya, do you know he fights those battles over and over in his head. He fights Himura, he fights Shishio, he fights..." She broke off with a gulp, cursing herself for raising such a painful subject. "He fights me," Okina completed her sentence tonelessly. "It's all right, Misao." "It's NOT all right , Jiya! Do you realize how much he hates himself? In his heart Shikijo, Hanya, Hyotoko and Besshimi all died yesterday. He betrayed us yesterday. He was defeated in battle YESTERDAY! He's losing control inside, Jiya. If we don't do something soon... He's hiding from himself. He's searching for a path away from her past. I don't know if he even realizes it or not, but if he finds that path into oblivion, and then loses his way, we've lost him forever." She paused to wipe angrily at the tears rolling down her face. "We can't let him slip away," she whispered hoarsely. "We just can't. We have to do something... anything." She collapsed in sobs on Okina's shoulder. [I wondered when this would come. You haven't cried since Aoshi returned to the Aoiya. Cry it out, my child, and let your own healing begin.] As he held her and patted her back while she let loose all her pent up emotions, he was amazed at the depth of her insight. He had known she had matured greatly, but he had never realized how much time she must have spent analyzing Aoshi's mental condition. In respect of her newly emerging adult personality, he felt forced to admit the truth to her. "There may be nothing we can do, Misao. But if anyone can reach him, perhaps it would be our Okashira, ne?" He wondered why she only sobbed harder at his words, but he felt it was important that she understand. "Misao, he can only be helped by someone who loves him, and then only if he is willing to be helped." She sat back to stare at the old man, shock evaporating her tears in an instant. "Misao," he began in a chiding voice, "you don't think that your Jiya didn't know you loved Aoshi, did you? He chuckled at her embarrassment, and reveled in t he fact that his advanced age guaranteed him the right to freely speak his mind. "Don't you know that everyone is aware of your feelings? Everyone knows that Misao-chan loves Aoshi-sama. What I know is slightly different. What I understand is that MISAO loves AOSHI." He chuckled again as her eyes widened. "Ahhhh....I see you understand the subtle difference. Let me tell you one thing more. We all go through difficult times in our lives. If I had not had the strength of a womans' love, there are many times that I, too, might have been lost. I was very fortunate to have someone who would share their inner strength with me. It's up to you to make Aoshi realize how fortunate he is to have your love. Do you understand?" All she could manage to give him was a bemused nod, but he was satisfied, for the moment. "Good! Now finish your tea, and then find a runner to take a note to Hiko-san, requesting his aid in your education." "Jiyaaaaaa!" "Hush! You may be the Okashira, and nearly 20 years old, but I'm still your Jiya. Now drink your tea, and do as you're told.!" Misao drank her tea, and did as she was told. Later that afternoon, to her private dismay, the runner brought back a reply accepting Misao as Hiko Seijuro's short-term student, and warning her to arrive early and with sake. "Hmpf! He's probably just out of sake, and sees this as an easy way to get some," she pouted at the dinner table that evening. Okina simply tucked his head down between his shoulders and waited with long experience for the Misao-storm to blow out. To calm the raging winds of her emotions, he quickly shifted the conversation to plans for the upcoming birthday party. "Misao, did you have any special requests for your party this year? I was hoping we could hold it tomorrow night, before your birthday, because I have to go out of town on business the next day." "That's fine, Jiya." Her eyes slid to steal a glance at the silent Aoshi. "I was actually hoping we could have something a little more...sedate this year. A nice quiet dinner here would be fine. Your parties tend to be a bit...lively." [Oh no, my girl! You aren't getting off that easily! If you want him to notice that you've grown up, you'll have to find another way!] Aloud, Okina agreed that a small party would be lovely, but he had so many friends, and they ALL knew when Misao's birthday was... Okon lost her battle with laughter, and rushed from the table, mumbling something about dessert. Shiro suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to give his freind a hand, and Misao just wanted to hide her face in her hands and groan! [Why are you doing this to me, Jiya?] Aoshi, as usual, seemed lost in his own thoughts. She looked closely at his face. She could have sworn she saw a slight quirk at the corner of his mouth just a moment ago, but it's wasn't there now. She dismissed the idea as wistful thinking. After catching her staring at him, Aoshi was kind enough to let the incident pass, after a large smile from her, returned by a gracious nod. [Oh great! Now he thinks I'm a grinning idiot. That's just wonderful!] Okina continued to talk while observing that his companions were singularly uninterested in his proposed party plans. Deciding to have a little fun at their expense, Winking at Omasu and Kuro, his voice suddenly boomed at a level designed to shake dust from the rafters. "...isn't that so, Misao?" He was rather pleased at his self control when he managed not to burst into laughter at Misao's response. With a beet-red face, she quickly tucked her kunai back into their hiding places, and picked up the chopsticks that had flown across the table before eyeing Okina warily. "Isn't what right, Jiya?" "Misao! I can't believe you haven't been paying attention to the conversation. I thought I taught you more respect than that! Do you mean to tell me that you haven't heard a single word? And just where has you attention been...hmmm?" "Of...of course I was paying attention, Jiya! You know I respect you! I heard every single word you said!" "Then you agree with me?" "Of course Jiya! What you said is absolutely right!" As soon as the impulsive words left her mouth, Misao knew she had made a mistake. The crafty look on Okina's face only served to augment her feeling of dread. [Oh no Jiya, don't you dare...!] "Good! It's settled then. All of Misao's future training will be placed into the capable hands of Hiko Seijuro, beginning tomorrow." [Jiyaaaaa!] If he had not been watching so closely, Okina knew he would never have noticed Aoshi's response to the statement. He noted with satisfaction the way the young man's fingers abruptly clinched tightly around the cup he held, then just as quickly released. Harder to conceal was the abrupt tightening of his jaw, which he had still not relaxed when he turned and evidenced mild interest by raising one brow questioningly. [Very well done, my boy! Starting to come to you senses, are you?] Adding fuel to the flame, he continued, "Yes, Hiko is a wonderful man! We've become quite close these last few years. I'm sure he can teach Misao...many things." Okina wondered with amused interest just how much pressure the pottery cup would take before it shattered in Aoshi's hand. Misao wondered what she had ever done to Okina to be put in such an embarrassing position. Aoshi wondered why his teeth were beginning to ache, until he realized what he was doing, and unclenched his jaw. Omasu and Kuro wondered just here Okon and Shiro had gotten off to, and if there was any way they could get away from the table without laughing out loud. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Misao volunteered in an uncharacteristically subdued voice that she had an early morning planned, and should probably get to bed. A round of "Oyasuminasai's" floated in her wake as she retreated up the stairs to her room. She winced at Okina's shouted reminder to take Hiko's sake with her in the morning, and winced again at the shatter of the pottery cup as it finally disintegrated in Aoshi's hand. In the dining room only Aoshi and Okina remained at the table, each enjoying the quiet company of the other. Finally Okina conceded the waiting game to Aoshi and broke the silence with a seemingly innocent question. "You will take care of Misao while I'm out of town, won't you, Aoshi?" While he awaited a reply, Okina wondered if Aoshi would mention the fact that Misao hadn't needed being "taken care of" for years. He sighed in defeat at Aoshi's continued silence, only to be pleasantly surprised by the younger man's softly voiced answer. "Hai, Okina. I will take care of Misao." He studied Aoshi's bowed head, hoping against hope...and was rewarded when the younger man lifted his face. The combination of fear and joy in Aoshi's eyes momentarily stunned Okina. [I can't believe how much emotion he's displaying! And what an honor that he would trust me with this...allowing me to see how he feels.] "I will always take care of Misao, Okina. You've always know that." "I'm glad to see you have finally remembered it, Aoshi." Okina was further amazed when Aoshi accepted the mild rebuke with a small smile. [A smile? He's smiling? It's a small smile, but even so...] "It took me a while to recall it, Okina, but now that I have, I won't be forgetting it again. Neither will Misao." "Do you mean...?" "Yes, Okina. In the spring, I think..." "If she'll have you, that is!" As Misao lay on the futon, she wondered what Jiya had found so amusing that his laughter echoed through the building. Tucking the blankets tightly around herself, she squirmed into a more comfortable position, and tried to will herself to sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When you were a child you were happy and free You were my reason to live I would die when you smiled at me I can still see you Painting pictures on the wall I remember you happy I remember it all Sunflowers in your room ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Why can't I sleep," Misao wailed silently as she was still tossing and turning in the darkness hours later. Finally giving up all pretense of sleep, she rose and lit the small oil lamp she kept in her room. With a resigned sigh she reached for the stack of papers ever present at her bedside since she had become Okashira. With a small frown of concentration nestled on her brow, she began the onerous duty of going through daily reports. After reading the same paragraph three times, she admitted defeat at last, and let the report drop to her lap. She knew that her thoughts were simply too undisciplined at the moment to deal with business issues. Idly she took a long, slow look around the room that had been hers since she was a very young child. As she did a mental inventory of the items she had collected over the years. Suddenly a glimpse of faded color peeking out from behind a large tansu caught her eye. She grinned as she recalled what was hidden behind the chest. Through the years, the rest of her flower garden had fallen to the enemies of cleaning, repair and time, but she had stubbornly protected one part of the wall as best as she could. One of the most cherished events of her childhood floated to the front of her consciousness in a shining bubble of memory. She closed her eyes, to better concentrate on every remembered moment.... _________________________________________________________ ***She was bored. As a matter of fact, she was VERY bored. And as any observant resident of the Aoiya knew, nothing was more unpredictable than a bored Misao. The subject of her current obsession was very near - as close as next door. Ever since the giajin family had moved into the house next to the Aoiya, Misao could be found at every spare moment at her favorite viewing place into the yard next door. Finally escaping her cadre of watchful protectors, she made her way to the fence between the two yards, and concealed herself in the camellia bushes conveniently planted there. Pushing aside a loose board, she was greeted by an amazing sight. The tall blond girl in the next yard was not so much painting, as attacking the canvas. Misao raised both hands to her mouth to quiet her giggles at the actions of her neighbor. She painted, and frowned, then wrinkled her nose in annoyance before continuing her efforts, until a loud "Crack!" completely shattered her concentration. With a gasp of dismay, she dropped her brush and hurried to help the tiny girl struggling in the wreckage of the boards that had given way on the fence. As Misao struggled to repress her tears, soft hands lifted her to her feet and brushed off the clinging debris. "Are you hurt, little one," the woman asked in slightly accented Japanese. Misao could only stare at her savior in shock. "Does anything hurt? Are you bleeding?" "Only a little bit, here," a suddenly brave Misao said as she offered her arm for inspection. "Ahhh, that's only a little scrape, but you're very brave not to cry. What is your name, dear?" "M...Misao," she stammered. "Misao, what a pretty name! You may call me Anne, Misao." "Ohayo, Ahn-oneesan," was the prompt reply, as Misao sturggled with the pronunciation of the foreign girls' name. "Ohayo, Misao-chan," Ann replied with a chuckle. "Would you like to see my painting?" At Misao's empathetic nod, Anne led her back across the yard to stand before the easel. After examining the painting closely for some time, the young art critic pronounced her one-word review. "Kirei!" Anne laughed. "Do you know what they are, Misao-chan?" She looked surprised at Misao's assertive nod, only to burst into laughter at the answer she received. "Hana!" "Yes, they are very special flowers. They are called "hi-mawaru." Let me tell you something about them."*** _________________________________________________________ Misao smiled as she recalled the rest of the incident. After a very short lesson on sunflowers, she had received a gift of several tubes of paint and several seeds of the flowers themselves. She had returned to this room, which in her young opinion was grossly underdecorated. After embellishing the walls to her satisfaction, she had retrieved her seeds and gone to plant them in the Aoiya courtyard. A small giggle escaped her. Now that she was grown, she was amazed that she hadn't been punished for her actions. For a long time she had zealously protected her painting because her Aoshi-sama said he like it. Then later, they became a link to the past that the two of them had shared. But Aoshi had left the Aoiya, the pictures had faded, and nearly all had been destroyed. And when Aoshi had returned.... The present returned with a burst of painful clarity. Suppressing the desire to wail aloud in frustration, Misao blew out the lamp. After a lengthy time of soul searching, Misao finally slept. Aoshi woke at his usual time the next morning, but with a sense of anticipation he had not felt in years. As he performed his morning ablutions he found, to his horror, that a clandestine smile had somehow wormed it's way from his heart. It was now blatantly displaying its' self across most of the lower half of his face. Calling his emotions to order, he replaced the unrepentant smile with his usual implacable mien, and prepared to begin his tasks for the day. He had many things to accomplish, and only a few short hours to work with. In amazement he paused at the doorway of his bedroom to rebuff another foray by the same impudent smile. He and the smile finally came to terms, and it subsided to a small quirk at one corner of his mouth. He shook his head at his own foolishness, and set out to begin this most auspicious day. Aosh returned to the Aoiya as afternoon shadows crept silently into possession of the courtyard. Pausing outside the door, he slipped a small package inside his coat as he heard Misao's urgently beseeching voice. "Please, Jiya!" You don't know what it was like. Please don't make me go back! You don't know what he did to me!" Aoshi straightened suddenly in righteous indignation. Without any doubt, Hiko Seijuro was an honorable man. However... He waited tensely for Misao to continue. "Jiya, you won't believe it! He made me...he made me stare at a tree. A TREE! All day long! He told me to think positive thoughts at the tree, and then he came and pushed me. That's right, I said 'pushed me!' Then he told me to think negative thoughts at the tree, and he pushed me again. He did that all day long. The last time I thought negative thoughts at him instead of the tree. That's when he told me to go home and not to return until I learned some control. He said the tree knew more about ki than I ever would. I'm never going back, Jiya!" Aoshi recognized Hiko's ki tests for what they were. He was attempting to determine Misao's ki level by seeing if positive and negative thoughts could influence her feeling of strength, relaxation and selfworth. He had pushed her to judge whether or not she was centered and balanced. But to hear Misao tell the story, you would think she had been through a battle. With astonishing speed, Aoshi brought every shred of training he had ever received into focus. As he struggled to regain his self control, he thought that he had not wanted to laugh aloud so much since....well, since never. The realization sobered him, as did her next words. "I failed, Jiya. I couldn't do what I did with Aoshi-sama the other night. I'll never learn to master ki...." Aoshi listened for a moment to Okina's gentle words of encouragement before finding a different entrance into the building and up the stairs to his room. Misao nonchalantly searched the room with her eyes. Everyone seemed to be having a wonderful time except the guest of honor. Okina watched Misao with a keenness of eye that belied his apparent inebriation. As he drank and joked with his friends, inwardly he fumed. [This party's been going on for ages. WHERE is Aoshi?] Misao strolled around the room, speaking politely to all her guests. Since the gathering was actually a celebrating the Okashira, the party was also an important business function. She gazed down at the largely untouched cup of sake in her hand and briefly wished she could indulge herself. Noticing that everyone left in the room was an Oniwabanshuu member, and therefore "family," she decided to enjoy her own party. In a very short time a tipsy Misao was desperately trying to avoid Okina's disapproving gaze. After all, a girl only turned nineteen one time in her life. Suddenly she felt very old. After lengthy thought, lasting at least moments, she came to the conclusion that the only cure for her current state of mind was another cup of sake. She actually came to this conclusion several times, each time previously forgetting her previous train of thought. Suddenly Okina was telling her goodnight, and she looked around to find herself in an empty room. Empty, that is, except for one seated figure. "Aoshi....sama. How long have you been here?" His brow raised at the obvious hesitation in her voice before adding her customary honorific to his name. He decided not to comment on it, as he answered her question in the driest of voices. "I've been here quite some time, Misao. It seems you had a very good time at your party tonight." He was unprepared for the alcohol induced honesty that came welling up from her battered heart. "It would have been better if you had been here, Aoshi." No "-sama" on his name this time, he noted. He wondered when she had began to call him simply "Aoshi" in her own mind. He tried to soothe her with his next words, but failed miserably. "I was here. Misao." "Not like you were supposed to be Aoshi. You've NEVER been here like you're supposed to be. Aoshi...sama, why can't you be here for us? For me?" It was the "-sama" that did it. suddenly he could see before him the same little girl who had asked him if he like her hi-mawaru paintings. As he watched, a single crystal tear slid down her cheek. Her eyes looked as bleak as if someone had stolen her last chance for hope. His hand grabbed hers and pulled her into his lap before either of them had a chance to hesitate. As his arms enfolded her, he gently pressed her face against his shoulder. Giving in to the silent invitation, she let the sobs rip through her body. She wasn't quite sure why she was crying, only that she could not have kept from it. As her sobs slowed and the sake took over, with one last hiccup, Misao fell asleep in Aoshi's arms. She would have been shocked and disturbed to see the tears that rolled down Aoshi's still face. But, as he released his grip on pain and self doubt, she would have given anything to have heard his next words. "I promise you I always be there for you, Misao. I plan to stay by your side for the rest of my life," he whispered almost noiselessly. The next morning Misao woke with a start, among the twisted blankets on her futon. Then she grabbed her head, as the pain of the hangover caught up with her. The sudden shouting of her name did nothing to improve her disposition. "MISAO!" "Stop shouting!" Suddenly she realized that she had not heard the call with her ears, but rather with her heart. She was awestruck as the feelings of love poured over her. Wrapped in a golden blanket of contentment, she realized that the call was coming from outside her window. Ignoring her aching head, she threw open the shutter and looked down. Aoshi stood in the courtyard below her, his head bowed in the morning sun. As his energy enfolded her, he didn't shout it, he didn't even say it aloud, but she knew her woman's love for him was finally returned by the man in front of her. Finally he looked up and met her eyes. She swayed slightly as the link between them was carefully withdrawn. She felt suddenly bereft as he turned away and strolled deeper into the garden. She quickly changed clothes and joined him. "Ohayo, Misao." "Ohayo, Aoshi....sama." ""Aoshi' from now on, Misao." Ignoring her questioning gaze, he withdrew the packet obtained during yesterday's shopping trip from his pocked, and placed it in her hands. "Happy Birthday, Misao." As she gazed at the brightly colored packet of seeds in her hands, she began to believe what he seemed to be telling her. "Do you remember, Misao," he asked gravely. "Yes, Aoshi, I remember. But the last hi-mawaru seeds I planted never came up. Do you think these seeds will grow?" "Everything blossoms in its' own time, Misao. We will plant these seeds in the spring, and together, we shall see what blooms." He smiled down at her as she repeated what was, to her, the most important of his words. "Together." She paused for a moment, deep in thought. "Aoshi?" "Yes, Misao?" "I am still the Okashira, you know?" Even the birds stopped singing to sit in silent awe, as for the first time in anyone's memory, Aoshi's laughter rang through the Aoiya. "I never doubted it for a moment, Misao." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All I want to remember, pretty pictures on the wall I remember you happy, I remember it all All I want to remember..... Sunflowers in your room Sunflowers in your room __________________________OWARI_________________________ Translations: "Chuushin no douhou..." - "My loyal companions..." Konnichiwa - Good afternoon hi-mawaru - sunflowers (literally 'sun-go-round') onee-san - older sister (used as a polite greeting for a lady) tansu - storage chest kirei - pretty (in this case ^_^) hana - flower NOTES: The Japanese word for sunflowers, "hi-mawaru" is complements of Jan Story. Thanks so much for that, for the possible uses of sunflower oil, and a scenario that placed this non-Japanese flower into this timeline. The ideas were invaluable. The views on ki aren't mine, because I really don't know anything about it. Thanks to the person who gave me the ki test examples, and wishes to remain nameless. A really big "Arigatou!!" to Daniel for the online proofreading and editing, and for your thoughts on ki. You really helped me a lot. ^_^ _______________________________________________ Thanks so much for reading!! Kathy --------------------------------------------- "Laughter in death's shadow fools no one who understands death. But if you're moved to it, be assured that the Goddess will share the joke." --Diane Duane ------------------------------------------------ Free, fast e-mail accessible anytime, anywhere http://www.imaginemail.com --------------------------- ONElist Sponsor ---------------------------- Get great offers on top-notch products that match your interests! Sign up for eLerts at: Click Here ------------------------------------------------------------------------