From: Andi Lacuesta Eeto... more angst this time. A bit of a citrusy situation at the end, though things manage not to get too out of hand... Keishiko ^.^x ------------------------------------------------------- TEARS AND FORGETTING by Mirune Keishiko It was a cool evening for late spring. A slow breeze turned into a gust of wind, scattering leaves across the empty, lamplit street and blowing through Sanosuke's loose-fitting white jacket. He shivered involuntarily as he quickened his pace homeward. He passed the Genzai Clinic on his way, and for a moment thought his hair was getting into his eyes. It wasn't late yet, but it was well after the usual closing time; Sano thought he could see soft yellow light through the window. Curious, he walked up and peered inside. A single lamp burned, illuminating a lone Megumi sitting at her desk, filling out the patients' logbook. Beside her was a cup of steaming tea. The woman looked up, startled, as Sanosuke said, "Hey in there, fox lady." She gave an amused smile on seeing him. "Oh, it's you, roosterhead. You surprised me for a minute." "Whatcha doin' up so late? The clinic should have been closed up hours ago, right?" "I just thought I'd stay over a little to finish the records." She gestured at the logbook in front of her. "Do you want to come in? It's cold outside tonight." He nodded, and went around to the entrance as Megumi unlocked and opened the door. "What are you doing downtown at this hour?" she asked him as she resumed her seat at her desk and continued to write where she had left off. "Just a couple of drinks with some friends of mine." He plopped down on one of the empty clinic cots. "Oh." As could be expected, Megumi's slender eyebrows shot up, and she gave him her cool smile. "Whatever made you leave so early? Usually you wait until you're rip-roaring drunk to go home. Or did they try to make you pay the bill?" The cinnamon eyes gleamed wickedly. Stretched out luxuriously on the cot, Sanosuke glanced at her sharply. "Onegai," he muttered, "cut me some slack for once in your life, fox lady." Folding his arms beneath his head, he shut his eyes. Megumi smiled at that, and silently gave in. It was too late and she too tired for a bout of the verbal jousting the two of them usually exchanged. She lowered her head, almost squinting in the dim light of the lamp, and continued writing. Sanosuke lay quite still on the cot, seemingly asleep. For several moments peace reigned, nothing but the crickets and the scratching of Megumi's pen breaking the restful stillness. Until a flurry of knocking sounded at the door. Megumi started, dropping her pen. She cursed as some of the ink leaked out in blobs on the page of the logbook. Sanosuke, snuffling softly, cracked open one eye. "Who is that?" Megumi called, pausing to sift fine white sand over the inkblots to dry them. "Please," came the thin, childish voice from the other side of the door. "Takani-sensei, please come and help. My mother is giving birth!" With a sigh Megumi grabbed her doctor's smock from where it hung over her chair and opened the door. A small child standing on the doorstep gazed up at her with wide, frantic eyes. Sanosuke sat up on the cot. "Metoune Shizuru! Your mother isn't due until a few more weeks!" Quickly slipping on the smock over her kimono, Megumi rushed about the clinic, gathering her medical instruments into a small bag. "Come in for a minute while I collect my things. Help yourself to tea if you like. Did you run all the way through town all by yourself?" she asked, looking back at the child over her shoulder as she rummaged in a cabinet. Shizuru, probably no more than seven or eight to Sano's eyes, was gratefully sipping Megumi's warm tea. She nodded in response to Megumi's question. "Please hurry!" she added plaintively. "Should I clear out?" asked Sanosuke of Megumi, who was stacking bedclothes on a chair. She glanced up at him with something of surprise, as if she had forgotten about his presence. "If you don't mind, I'd rather you didn't," she said after a moment's hesitation. "I have to bring a lot of things, and I don't think I can carry them all. And I could use the help--" Sanosuke, nodding, was already scooping up the piled linen and closing the windows. "Uh, shouldn't we hurry?" Sano knew next to nothing about the process of childbirth, but he had the vague idea that babies were prone to simply slipping out with no prior notice. He stood, uncertain, off to one side as Megumi flew about, tying a scarf around her face to hold back her hair. Shizuru had taken to tugging insistently on the woman's sleeve. "Yes, yes. I'm ready." Having extinguished the lamp, she hurried out the door, Sanosuke and Shizuru trailing after her. She turned back, keys in hand, when Sanosuke stepped in front of her. She raised her eyebrows, puzzled. "I'll lock up," he said quietly. "It looks like it'd be best if you went on ahead. I'll catch up soon." Nodding, she pressed the keys into his extended palm and turned to leave. Shizuru had trouble keeping up with her short legs, so after a moment Megumi picked up the little girl in her arms - she was very light for her age, the poor thing - and hurried on. Looking back quickly, Megumi saw Sanosuke silhouetted in the moonlight, locking the clinic doors behind them, the stack of bedclothes mounted on one shoulder. His long lashes cast shadows down his cheeks. A moment later he raised his head, as if feeling her eyes on him. Megumi felt a small spark of warmth blossom deep in her belly as he met her gaze directly, unblinkingly. Then she remembered Shizuru, who was busy tangling her little fingers in Megumi's long hair. Turning, Megumi hurried on along the street toward the Metoune home. Behind them she heard Sanosuke fall into step. Sanosuke winced as a low, reedy moan came from the closed-off bedroom. The moan quickly built into a lung-busting screech that went on for so breathlessly long that Sano thought his ears would pop. Then the scream abruptly terminated in a loud, strangled gulp. Shoving his hands deep in his pockets, Sano peered out the window somewhat furtively. He was pretty sure half the neighborhood was awake by now, thanks to the shrieking. Hell, he thought with a mirthless grunt, I'm pretty sure half the country's awake by now. He walked over to the closed door leading to the bedroom and hesitated, drawing a deep breath, then letting it out slowly. Then he knocked and slid the door open a fraction. "You sure you don't want any help?" he asked Megumi, who was checking the progress of the birth. Sanosuke kept his gaze carefully away from the futon in the room, as much to save himself the discomfort as to give respect to the woman in labor. Megumi glanced at him, quick eyes taking in the flushed cheeks and the look in the long eyes that begged her not to say yes. Tired and preoccupied as she was, she almost smiled. "It's all right, Sano," she said, turning back to her patient. "I can take care of this. Just knock when the water's done." Nodding, feeling greatly relieved, Sanosuke shut the door and went back to his previous spot in the common room that doubled as a kitchen. He poked up the fire underneath a pot of water he had put on to boil and sat down in front of it, crossing his legs under him. In the corner, an exhausted Shizuru slept in her tattered futon. Sanosuke had made her get some rest, had taken upon himself the commands Megumi issued as she ministered to the laboring woman. When they had gotten to their destination a few hours ago - a small rundown shack in one of the poorer sections of the Tokyo slums - Megumi had gone into full "doctor" mode, as he called it. She'd taken the bedclothes he'd carried and thanked him, before shutting herself up in the bedroom, where the agonized wailing signaled a childbirth already in full steam. Unwilling to enter the bedroom unless it was absolutely necessary, Sanosuke stayed outside in the common room. Through the thin door and walls he could clearly hear the pained screaming, but also - filtering through it all like a calm, steady stream amid a raging forest fire - Megumi's voice. Calm, even, firm, it alternated between soothing and coaxing, commanding and reassuring. Sanosuke shook his head. That a woman could keep her head in such a stressful, not to mention deafening, situation seemed almost miraculous to him. He had been in some tight situations, but the idea of a woman in labor filled him with horror. He shuddered at the thought. Suddenly he looked up. It dawned on him that he hadn't heard any shrieking in some time. Megumi could still be heard rushing about, but her patient had apparently subsided. Is the mother dead? thought Sanosuke, frowning and glancing at little Shizuru's sleeping form. And then, a thin, shrill wail came to his ears. Sanosuke started at the sound, coming unexpected in the midst of silence, and saw the white steam billowing out from underneath the cover of the pot of water. He was about to knock on the bedroom door when it slid open in his face. Megumi looked out and came face to face with Sanosuke's bandages. "The water's ready," he said, proffering the basin of hot water in his arms. "Thank you, Sano." She was visibly tired, but Sanosuke noticed an odd sort of glow in her drawn face, something like triumph. "Please, bring it inside. You can come in now." Megumi led him inside the room. "Is she all right?" Sano, setting down the basin on the floor near the mattress, glanced dubiously at Megumi's patient. The thin, frail-looking woman appeared to have fallen asleep, sweat beading her face, damp in her hair and pillow. "She's very tired, but she'll be fine. The birthing is over." A small, tired smile curved Megumi's mouth. Tenderly she wrapped in a towel the red-faced, squirming newborn, whom she had laid on the floor on the last of the clean bedsheets. Sanosuke, on his way back to fetch more hot water, had to stop and look. "He or she?" he asked softly, coming to kneel beside Megumi. He stared, fascinated, at the tiny infant, who was yawning prodigiously. "He." Megumi gently pressed a kiss to the small forehead. "I have to finish up with this baby's mother. Sanosuke, can you hold him for me in the meantime?" Sano's sudden panicked look proved irresistible, and despite her weariness, Megumi laughed. Not her usual "fox lady" laugh, but real, quiet laughter. "It won't take very long," she reassured him soothingly. "Now, fold your arms like mine. Be sure to support his head at all times. His spine is still very weak, and there's no telling what could happen if his head isn't supported." Carefully she placed the infant in the arms of a poleaxed-looking Sanosuke. "And don't you dare drop him," she said in mock-stern tones, rising to her feet and returning to her patient's bedside. "You have such confidence in me," Sanosuke said sarcastically. She arched an eyebrow and said nothing. The baby had fallen asleep, sucking on his tiny thumb. Gingerly carrying him, Sanosuke inched his way to the doorway, afraid that any sudden moves on his part would send the infant tumbling to the floor. He heaved a sigh of relief once he had made it safely into the common room. Shizuru had awoken and now came forward eagerly. "You've got a brand-new baby brother, kid," Sanosuke said, the gruff words softened by his smile. "Can I hold him? Please please please?" She reached up her thin arms, her dark eyes bright and happy. "Mm... Well, okay. Just take care of him. And Meg-the doctor said for you to hold his head all the time. Be careful, all right?" And Sanosuke cautiously transferred the baby to the young girl's arms. Shizuru's small face shone as she beamed down at her sleeping brother. You'll be having a different look in your eyes once that brother of yours starts growing up, Sanosuke thought with a grin, remembering the many siblings that had made his life so hectic as a child. The door to the bedroom slid open and Megumi stepped out, wan and pale, carrying her bag of medical instruments. Her slim hands fumbled to untie the scarf around her head. Sanosuke turned to look at her questioningly. "Daijoubu," she softly answered his unspoken query. "She's sleeping well. She should be all right in the morning." Megumi smiled tiredly at Shizuru, who was still cradling her baby brother. "Omedetou, Shizuru-chan. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful sister. Have you thought of a name for him yet?" The young girl shook her head. "I don't know. What's your name?" she asked suddenly, looking up at Sanosuke. Sano grinned ruefully and shook his head. "Trust me, kid, you don't want it." "You didn't tell her who you were?" Megumi slipped off her bloodstained smock. "Shizuru-chan, you're far too trusting. This man is Sagara Sanosuke." She waved toward Sano, who grinned sheepishly. Then Megumi became more serious. "Shizuru-chan, come over here for a minute. There are some important things you need to know." As the little girl came toward her obediently, Megumi put an arm around her and knelt so that she would be face-to-face with her. "Your mother is going to be fine, Shizuru-chan," she said gently, "but she needs to sleep for now. Try not to disturb her, all right?" The little girl nodded, her face mimicking the seriousness on Megumi's. "Tomorrow I'll come back and check on all of you. For tonight, you are responsible for your brother." Shizuru nodded again, eyes wide with the gravity of her responsibility. Megumi smiled. "I'm sure you'll do just fine. Just send for me anytime if you feel like it, okay?" "Hai, Megumi-sensei." Megumi looked at her questioningly as the little girl pressed closer as if to confide. "Sanosuke is nice." The girl smiled up at her. Megumi raised her eyebrows, her mouth curving in a slight smile. "Yes, it's a nice name, isn't it?" Twinkling with amusement, her eyes went to Sano, who had his back to them, some distance away busily putting out the fire. Shizuru shook her head, impatiently. "No, I mean he's nice," she whispered, her bright eyes on Sanosuke. "Sanosuke-san." "Sano?" Megumi felt almost amused. "Yes. Yes, he is." "Don't you like him too, Megumi-sensei?" pressed Shizuru innocently. Megumi opened her mouth for a reply and found she had none. Instead, she glanced over at Sanosuke, who seemed to be taking far too long to put out the little fire. "I can't really tell you," Megumi finally whispered to Shizuru. And before the puzzled little girl could say anything further, Megumi stood up, preparing to leave. "I'll stop by again tomorrow morning, before my shift begins at the clinic. Do you think you'll be fine until then, Shizuru-chan?" The little girl nodded solemnly, and Megumi smiled. "All right then. Sanosuke and I'll be leaving now. Sano?" "Yeah." He came forward, paused to riffle the little girl's dark hair. "I'll see you around, kid." His features hidden in shadow, he stepped outside the shack. Megumi started to follow, but Shizuru's small voice stopped her. "Megumi-sensei?" Megumi suppressed a sigh, turned back. "Yes, Shizuru-chan?" "Domo... arigatou. We'll pay you by the end of the week--" "It's all right." Megumi squeezed the child's shoulder gently. "It's free." For several minutes they walked along the still, empty streets in silence, Sanosuke following Megumi a few steps behind. Only their footsteps - hers soft and precise, his more casual and almost shuffling - broke the late night stillness. Megumi was too tired to talk and thought longingly of her warm, soft futon waiting for her at her apartment. She cast an envious glance at Sanosuke, who didn't seem to be the least bit enervated and walked along wordlessly, seemingly deep in thought. They had passed several blocks before he broke the silence. "That was awfully nice of you." Megumi, suspicious of a more sarcastic, biting comment underlying his words, said nothing. "Oei, I meant that as a compliment. You don't have to be so guarded." The tone was faintly apologetic, faintly annoyed. Megumi sighed. "Sumanu. Thank you for the compliment. But even if I weren't so nice, I'd be obligated to do what I did." "Can I ask why? Or are you too tired to talk anymore?" He's giving me a way out, Megumi realized. She honestly didn't feel like discussing it. Not only was she sleepy and bone-tired, but the topic was a rather personal one. Still, she appreciated his thoughtfulness by giving her a plausible excuse not to talk about it. He took her hesitation for a no and fell silent, not wanting to force the issue. Megumi looked weary and haggard in the dim moonlight, and Sanosuke, watching her trudge along the street in front of him - her dragging pace so different from her usual brisk, graceful walk - felt his heart soften toward her in a way it never had before. To his surprise, she spoke. "Shizuru's father was a skilled woodcarver. They weren't rich, but they lived comfortably, until he died last year." She paused. "Of an opium overdose." The last words hung in the air. Sanosuke looked quickly at Megumi. Her face was absolutely expressionless, but half-hidden in the sleeve of her kimono her slender white hand was fisted tightly. "You?" His voice was low. "He was... one of the many." Megumi might have been a statue, so pale and blank was her delicate face. Disconcerted, Sanosuke thrust his hands deep into his pockets, scuffed his shoe in the dirt. What could he say? "Megumi--" "I've left my old life behind," she interrupted him, speaking quietly and softly; half to herself. "I've started over. It's been months since I was working under Takeda, since I was producing those packets of slow death. I work at a clinic now, using my knowledge and my skills for good. Who knows how many lives I save, every day? How many people I help and serve?" Silently Sanosuke quickened his pace, in order to catch up with her. They had reached her small apartment; she had come up to the doorstep and now stood staring at the ground, as if unable to go any farther. Softly, almost plaintively, she continued to speak. "I've enjoyed my fresh start, I've embraced my new life willingly. The happiness and contentment I have now - I almost forget all the things I once did. My old life. The old Takani Megumi, making her Spider's Web so that one man could get rich at the expense of other people's lives." She stared down at the step broodingly, eyes shadowed, brow furrowed ever so slightly. "But at times like these - when I come face to face with the consequences of my past..." She sighed, shaking her head. "I have forgotten. I have begun again. I am happy. But what of those who cannot forget? Who still suffer because of the crimes I committed? Who will relive for every day of their lives the evil I did that even I have forgotten?" Her voice, the low, passionate words trembling with grief and regret, sank to a whisper. "What of people like Shizuru and her mother, reduced to poverty because I murdered yet another man with my poison, and the baby who will never know his father?" "Hey." The interjection slipped almost involuntarily out of Sanosuke's mouth, as he saw the tears glitter on Megumi's face. It was unusual to see coy, spirited Megumi so sorrowful, unusual to hear her talk about her inner fears and troubles. Concern overwhelming him, he stepped toward her. She did not resist as he pulled her gently close to him, let her sob brokenly against his chest as he stroked her hair. "Shh. It's going to be okay," he whispered soothingly, feeling her hot tears soak into his bandages. It was a strange feeling, to embrace and comfort one with whom he had always been at odds. Megumi and Sanosuke were notorious for sniping at each other incessantly, as Yahiko had once put it, "every single time they got together." But at that moment, Megumi's wet cheek against his chest, his strong arms around her shoulders, seemed the most perfect, the most natural thing in the world. Megumi's breath was hot against his skin as she struggled to stop crying, gasped for breath, her body shaking with emotion she strived to contain. She raised her hands, began to push him away. "I'm sorry," she whispered, biting her trembling lip as she turned her tear-streaked face away. "It's late. You should go home..." But Sanosuke held her firmly - gently, but with a subtle strength that made escape impossible. Megumi tried to walk away and found she couldn't. Startled and suddenly angry, she flashed at him cold, if red, eyes, trying unsuccessfully to break his grasp on her shoulders. "What are you--" "Megumi." Intense brown eyes pierced her own. "Don't run away. I'm trying" - the low voice softened almost imperceptibly - "to help you." She stilled at that, as if giving up. A small sigh quivered through her. She laid her forehead against Sanosuke silently; the tears had stopped, but she found she couldn't stand by herself just yet. And it felt so good to stop and lean on someone else's for a change... Megumi felt Sano's strength reach out to her, supporting her now that her own strength was sapped. It was getting colder as the night deepened, but she felt enveloped soothingly in his warmth. She held on tightly to his arms. The muscles shifted sensitively beneath the skin, power and strength kept well in check in the veins. "You're worn out." The voice was gruff, unaccustomed to carrying blatant concern. "It's been a long night. You should think about this when you're rested, when your head's clear." Megumi nodded wordlessly against him, her black hair gliding over his hands. Sanosuke had never imagined her hair could feel so smooth and soft, like the finest silk. He suddenly became aware of her nearness, her warmth, the tempting softness and curves of the woman he held so closely; her fresh, sweet smell of gardenias - mixed with the more subtle, musky scent of Megumi herself - seemed to almost drown him. He caught his breath, feeling beneath the kimono the smooth, soft skin of her back. The first pangs of her sorrow over, Megumi had grown quite still, her eyes shut, lost in the welcome warmth and Sanosuke's faint, indescribably alluring scent. She felt rather than heard the sudden catch of breath in his lungs, the convulsive swallow. Her fingers accidentally brushed against his chest, and the smooth skin quickened; Sanosuke let out a low, guttural moan. Suddenly conscious of his bare skin against her face, the play of the muscles in his arms, she looked up at him, feeling heat rush inexplicably to her cheeks. Megumi's cinnamon eyes were crystal clear in the moonlight. Sanosuke found himself staring deep into them, noting absently that the red-brown streaks of color were only surface marks, that beneath them the black pupils were bottomless and endless. Blood had flooded her face, tainting her cheeks faintly pink. She looked so beautiful, felt so soft and tempting in his arms, that almost before he knew it he had gently met her full red lips with his own. Megumi whimpered softly as Sanosuke's mouth sweetly covered her own. As if afraid she would break, he kissed her with a tenderness she had never suspected to exist within such a strong, fiery man. She responded eagerly, cupping his face with one strong, delicate hand, letting the other wander along his jaw and down his neck. Feeling Sanosuke shiver beneath her straying fingers, she smiled into the kiss. Fire was burning in her veins, surging through her body, burning with an empty, gnawing ache... "Come inside," she whispered boldly, her lips moving against his. Her hand left his chin and groped blindly for the door to her apartment. Sanosuke felt lightheaded, bereft of the heat and softness of her lips. The moment she finished speaking, he impatiently claimed her mouth again, the gentle tenderness giving way to stark hunger, feeling hot arousal start to build inside him. He slipped his tongue between her parted lips, entering and exploring the heat and sweetness of her mouth as she moaned softly. Her whispered words took some time to make sense in his fevered head. When they finally did, he felt he would go crazy with the fiery heat building up, throbbing inside his body. Tonight, he thought dizzily, his hands tangling in her long, silky hair, tonight, I come inside... With a groan he pulled away, withdrew. Megumi could not hold back a small, disconsolate wail. The warmth evaporated, leaving Megumi shivering in the cool night, as he stepped backward, away from her, shaking his head and clenching his shaking hands into fists. "What's the matter?" she demanded, confusion and disappointment in her soft voice. Sanosuke, trying to catch his breath, averted his eyes. If I look at her for just one moment, he thought, desperately, I won't be able to stop myself. "This isn't the time for this," he said in strangled tones. "What?" The sensuous heat had turned to simmering anger, injured pride. Sanosuke shook his head again. Shoving his trembling hands in his pockets - his fingers remembering the slide of her hair between them - he quickly turned away. "This isn't the time," he said, low and quavering. "Megumi... We can't do this. Not tonight. I don't want to..." He trailed off. I don't want to take advantage of you, he finished silently. Not while you're sad and confused and vulnerable like this. "I thought you wanted me." Forgoing modesty for the truth, Megumi spoke clearly, almost bitterly. Sanosuke almost smiled, except he shivered slightly at the words instead. "Wanted" was an understatement. He could feel the blood rushing hotly in his veins, the sharp, sweet ache of unsated desire pulsing through his entire body. His jangled nerves sang keenly of the few steps it would take to cover the short distance between them and take her back in his arms, pick up where they had left off. After all, she had invited him -- technically he would only be taking her up on her offer. It would be so easy... so sweet, and so satisfying... "Kami-sama knows I do," he muttered harshly, swallowing. "Kami-sama knows..." ..right now I feel like I could make nonstop love to you until the sun came up. He swallowed again, past the tightness in his throat. What he could remember of honor and nobility, of respect for Megumi, railed desperately against the rest of him, which blindly sought satisfaction, an end to the ache of his desire. Megumi was confused, sad, tired, lonely; she wasn't thinking straight. If they ever did get to that point in their relationship - which as it was had yet to be clearly defined- Sanosuke didn't want it to be hurried or hasty, tainted with regrets or bitterness. Megumi deserved better. But, he thought desperately, if I don't leave now, I'll never be able to again... "I better go." The memory of her fingers tracing teasingly along his skin burning in his mind, he forced himself to turn away, from the disappointment and hurt on Megumi's beautiful face, and left. For several moments he heard nothing, only his footsteps on the dirt street. Then, behind him, Megumi's swift footsteps, her door opening and then slamming shut again. He shook his head. She would hate him forever. He would have to avoid her for perhaps two or three weeks from now. Maybe even a month... He thought of her lips, sweet and soft on his, and sighed. He might as well go fishing, idle away the time until dawn. His whole body was tense and taut, thrumming with frustrated arousal, and almost painful with the great temptations he had refused that night. There's no way I'm getting any sleep tonight, he thought with a sigh. --owari-- notes: Hmmm! Well, what did you think? Anything and everything you can find to fling at me (praise and flaming both) is welcome at la_puente@yahoo.com . Oh, and if you think Megumi seems to be acting a little out of character here, it's just that she's very,very tired and sad. I believe Megumi is one of the more misunderstood and/or misinterpreted characters in RK, so I wanted to make her a little more human, more many-sided here, instead of simply the lovely, cunning "kitsune-onna" with the sly little "ohh-hohohohoho!!" laugh we've come to know and love. disclaimer: Megumi, Sanosuke, and the Genzai Clinic are not my property; they belong to Nobuhiro Watsuki, though I am barely worthy to speak of such a great man. (Oh yeah, also to Shueisha and Fuji TV and I think Sony Entertainment.) Shizuru, her baby brother, and her mother are figments of *my* imagination, thank you very much. For people who would know, Shizuru-chan is named after a certain brown-haired chain-smoking young woman. E-mail me to know if your guess is correct! ^.^x __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! 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