Hey everybody! Unexpectedly, I finally got back to writing RK stuff, and although I got mixed up at first (right song, wrong story), after writing all day (and I mean all day! I was up at 7 this morning and started writing, and just finished at 3AM), finally got the song's real story. Hopefully its not all babble and OOC (I've never actually written like this before--it's harrying!), so here goes nothin! For those who don't know the song, it's by Sarah McLaughlin, which means it's really mellow, and even though it's not the true new millenium, I was feeling in that redemptive spirit, and so this came out. Enjoy! Btw, for those who don't know Japanese, a few words: gomen: sorry daijoubu: it's okay de gozaru (yo): Kenshin's formal sentence ender of choice de gozaru. It means absolutely nothing in English, but sounds really neat. ^_^ Full of Grace Sarah McLaughlin A Rurouni Kenshin Songfic by Larraine Lage kaoschan@worldnet.att.net Usual disclaimer, kinda: Spoilers for Memory and Revenge. This takes place shortly after revenge ends, so it helps to know how everything ended. Standard legal disclaimers apply. Does anyone bother to even read these for more than spoiler warnings anyway? * * * * * Fat snowflakes billowed their way to earth determinedly, blanketing the earth relentlessly as they reached the ground. Sharp winds blew mists of ice this way and that, chilling the air to a death cold. Winter this year was a harsh master, unyielding in its grip on the world. He sat as he always did, against the wall of the building, his clothes in tatters, his stomach empty, his body cold. He didn't notice any of those things. There was no reason to. There was nothing left but to wait here and die. With answer in hand and no salvation to follow, there was no wish for anything else. For fifteen years he had waited. Waited and plotted, anger and resentment growing all the greater with skill and cunning in the meanwhile. All to seek revenge for a life that never wanted it. All to appease the sorrow and confusion of a little boy who could never understand a woman's heart. Even as a man now, he doubted he ever would. And he had sworn the only reason he would ever return to Japan was to seek that revenge. The only thing that had kept him alive was the notion that one day he would bring to an end the life of the one who had brought him misery and suffering, the one who had ended his sister's life. In the end, the one who his sister had loved. It was an understanding he just couldn't comprehend, a seeming betrayal of everything he had ever felt. And even as pure as his emotions had been, and true as his intentions were to his sister, he had been in the wrong. He had betrayed her memory, and everything she had believed. So here Enishi sat, drowning in memories and regrets, thousands of miles from the country he had learned to call home, just outside of Tokyo, in a land of lost souls. He was within a stone's throw of the Battousai, yet could do nothing. Wallowing, waiting, hoping for his own death, which however much he wanted, would not come. The wind picked up and raged, blowing icy flakes across his vision and snowy tufts onto stark white hair and skinny body. Maybe it was no mistake that his name meant "white snow". Maybe it was his fate to disappear into the winter drifts that were growing here, more here than in any other place. The seasons always hit harder where humanity was at its most desolate; that's just the way life always was. The light of early morning glared down through slate white clouds, bright and harsh enough to make a person wince just looking outward. He just let it blind him as he gazed out blankly, never having noticed what was around him anyway. Except for one momentary, daily routine, he didn't notice anything anymore. What might it be like to let go of it all? Not just in death, but in just forgetting. It might be nice for a while. To just know that all was well for a little while. To have only the daily mundanities as your major concerns, to be lost not in the throes of a singular purpose, but in the multitude of occurrences that were a normal existence. It might be nice, for a little while... Had Tomoe had that happiness, even with the man she herself had sworn to kill once? How was it to forget, to release that hatred, to live your life as it was with no expectations beyond the moment. It must have been nice... He settled for the time being to just sitting, and waited for her to come. * * * * * She settled the haori about her tightly, trying to trap whatever warmth she could before leaving the house. The shoji door rattled slightly as it opened, and she prayed no one heard as she closed it once more. It wouldn't do to have anyone know where she was going. Not just yet. It had only been a few months since everything had happened, a lot of the pain still too fresh. She felt like she herself was running to catch up a lot of the time. Everything had fallen into turmoil soon after coming back from Kyoto, which left her with little free time. So she settled for these early morning runs, if only to check on him briefly. Not that he was likely to get himself into trouble. Not that he was likely to do anything. But she did what she could. It was the least she could do, a silent promise made to herself in Kyoto. She looked around her quickly, trying to catch anyone that might be spying. It was unlikely that anyone would be awake, but if anyone suspected what she was up to, trouble would soon be sure to follow. Kenshin would understand, but she couldn't tell him. Not yet. Kaoru heaved the small bucket and blanket up, and began her early morning trek towards the outskirts of town. * * * * * He watched her enter the rakuninmura with half an interest. It was all that he had the energy for anymore, but she could have it. Strange, that the person who was once one of his greatest adversaries was now his only friend. He might have laughed, had he the desire to do so. It wasn't totally surprising. They had fallen rather easily into a comfortable bickering routine bordering on companionship while she had been his hostage. Strange, that he had felt so comfortable with her. Despite her cooking. Stranger still that she had forgiven him so easily. He wouldn't have known how to. Didn't know how to. She knelt beside him, wrapping the covering about him carefully. All the while she muttered bitterly at him about his condition, taking care of himself, getting a decent meal (which she more often than not brought herself), and other such morning greetings to which he had grown accustomed, and soon looked forward to. She pulled the two small bowls and chopsticks out of the tattered wooden bucket, uncovering them and handing him his meal quietly. He turned to watching her out of the corner of his eye, as he was wont to do. She would often chat to while away the time, though one-sided it might usually be. She never mentioned Battousai, though he must certainly be ever present in her life. They had a apparently all led a simple, if occasionally hectic, and somewhat dangerous, existence. He'd learned about everyone else in the small family unit, the people in the area, her finally thriving dojo. It had been awkward at first, long minutes dragging on forever as she fought for words to say. Just as she previously had, Kaoru quickly found a sense of ease, and when the weather was nice, was content to just sit and enjoy it with him in silence. "You really can't stay out here like this." Kaoru broke the silence as if speaking of inconsequential things, "Not with the way it's getting. You'll freeze." But every word out of her mouth was a motherly admonishment, so different from what he remembered hearing as a child. She had none of Tomoe's quiet grace or tolerance, but seemed to have as much if not more patience in the end. "I know." His gaze shifted back to the outer world, eyes open but seeing nothing. In the end patience and tolerance were one and same, and for Kaoru, equally short. "You can't just wait here to die, you know! It's not at all what Tomoe-san wanted, any more than she wanted Kenshin to die!" Kaoru's hands flew to her mouth as soon as the words spilled out. She'd made an effort not to bring up painful memories, and so never mentioned his elder sister, but to mention both names in one breath... "Gomen. I shouldn't have said anything." She sat with him quietly that way for a while, feeling as morose as Enishi looked. Enishi turned to his rice and soup and silence settled with the falling snow. The time whittled its way onwards as the snow continued its descent, landing on the pair indiscriminately. Occasionally Kaoru would silently brush snow away that gathered about him, smudging away dirt with her kimono sleeve from his face with a tenderness that all too readily sent him back to an earlier time. Without a word, she accepted bowls and utensils back from him, placing them in the bucket, avoiding his dark eyes but never shying from him. "You're right, I guess," Kaoru almost jumped at the sound of his voice, a deep resonance that carried easily, even in the hoarse whisper that betrayed a voice rarely used anymore. "Eh?" "One day," Enishi's expression never changed, never looked at her, or anything. "I should get up," His tone was tired, fed up even, with his current state. Kaoru guessed it was more than just the weather. But all she could do was stare wide eyed at him. "I'm tired..." "Enishi..." Kaoru's gaze softened as she finally looked at him. In fifteen years, he had lived a lifetime. He had lost his world, his sister, to the man she loved, because she loved him. He had grown up alone, and seen more horror than any child should ever have to. A stiff breeze blew past and pelted them with tiny icy shards. Instinctively she crouched in front of him, wrapping the blanket tighter about him and taking his shoulders block him with her own body from being hit. She bit back a cry as a howling bitter wind bit at her back and neck, freezing snow pricking exposed skin and burning it with a calloused touch. Eventually it settled down, leaving quiet and peace in its wake. She settled back into her kneeling position but froze in the same instant. Enishi's eyes were wide and wild, staring down at nothing, but focused internally at some unknown memory. His body shook almost convulsively as the emotion hit him from all sides at once without warning. He didn't even know where it came from. His mind was raging and blank, blinded white but a familiar warmth that wouldn't go away, encompassing everything, filling a gap in his soul that had been empty for so long. Kaoru touched a hand to his cheek and looked at him worriedly. "Are you okay?" She nearly had to look up to meet his dark eyed gaze, but he seemed childlike in the way he stared at her so unsure, a lost child shocked to find anybody nearby. "Enishi...?" His own name floated to him tenderly, a grace about it recalling a gentler time. Tomoe held him like this, always so near to her, so doting on the emotional whims of a young boy who called her sister and mother for so long. She smiled for him, and only him, a secretive and warm expression that for him and no one else. He had lost her for a while, but now in an instant, she was back. Her memory smiled for him again, and he forgot his troubles, any pain he may have had. And he was happy. The tears spilled down, pooling by her fingers and streaking dirty cheeks as they ran their way down. She took her sleeve and wiped them away, careful not to irritate old cuts and bruises. The sky had turned totally bright now, full blown morning blazing through clouds to illuminate the world. Kaoru knew she couldn't stay much longer, but was hesitant to leave him in such a state. "You have to go now, don't you...?" The voice was almost not his own, a child's reluctant query, with none of the bitterness of the adult left inside. She wiped the remaining tears away, sniffling a bit herself with more than just the cold. "I'm sorry, I would stay longer, but--" "It's okay," He smiled as he watched her, startling her. The only wrinkles she could see on that once angry face were the ones created by the small smile he held. It warmed her, compelling her to smile back with a bright, cheery grin of her own. "Do you think, if I got up--" "You would always be welcome," Kaoru's eyes closed with the eager smile. "The dojo will always be welcome to you." She settled the blanket once more about him, and stood with bucket in hand. He watched her with sleepy eyes, and settled more into the warmth that enveloped him in and out. "But I'll sleep for a little while first." "Oyasumi, Enishi," Kaoru touched his cheek with gentle fingers, then turned and made her way through the snow out of the rakuninmura. Enishi slept, and dreamt, of pleasant times past, and those to come. * * * * * Kaoru stumbled as she saw him standing there waiting for her by the tall entrance. Long red hair blew about him and stuck out like a flag in the surrounding white. She stopped, feeling caught and unguarded. She should have known better than to think she could do this forever and not be found out. Especially by him. He would understand. He should. Shouldn't he? A slight fearful twinge held her in place as she stared at him, twanged a part of her as he made his way over to her. He stopped, and gently took her burden from her. "Kenshin-- I--" "Daijoubu de gozaru yo." He took her hand and warmed small fingers in his own. He smiled warmly at her, leading her back towards the house. Relieved, she squeezed his hand return. "Remember," Kenshin asked, "When you said that when you were with Enishi, you felt Tomoe was watching over you, protecting you?" "Of course." Kaoru would always be grateful to Tomoe's spirit for that protection, and it was from that knowledge that she had made her promise. Her gaze on Kenshin turned questioning, wondering if he had sensed her reason for her behavior, despite everything Enishi had done. "I think maybe she wasn't protecting you from Enishi, but protecting him through you. Watching and smiling for him now as you are." Kaoru started at his words, spoken so matter of factly, yet hitting her with such weight. Kenshin stopped as she did, watching her. Just like Tomoe, she had a kindness which surpassed all others, but never realized it herself. She smiled lightly, looking back over her shoulder to the rakuninmura. "You think so?" "Aa." The smile blossomed enough for two people. "I'm glad." --------------------------- ONElist Sponsor ---------------------------- GRAB THE GATOR! FREE SOFTWARE DOES ALL THE TYPING FOR YOU! Tired of filling out forms and remembering passwords? Gator fills in forms and passwords with just one click! Comes with $50 in free coupons! Click Here ------------------------------------------------------------------------