From: Mana chan Waii..this is the first time I've written in a long while... and I guess talking to other Soujiro-lover people like myself in a-chat has gotten me somehow, but wha-laa..my first attempt at a first-person type fic..and the first short fic I've ever written. Comments..and criticism please... A Killer's Smile by Chrissy (eh..Mana-chan) I'm still smiling...like always. True, Himura-san taught me *his* "way", but I can't seem to let go of what's gone..what's past. ShiShio-sama's words still run deep in my heart..in my blood. "Let the strong survive..and the weak die..the strong eat the weak." It was so true..what he had said, yet Himura-san proved it wrong. Himura-san defeated me..but he didn't kill me. That's what ShiShio taught, wasn't it? That the strong kill the weak? So why didn't Himura-san kill me? I suppose that's why I'm taking this 10 year journey like he did..so I can find out why. I know I have a lot to learn..and a lot to experience too. Emotions.. defined as those feelings that all people possess..and express. All people that is, except me. What is happiness? People say I look happy..because I smile so much, yet I feel nothing. I see those around me.. Kamatari-san with his frustration against Yumi-neesan.. Yumi-neesan and her passion for ShiShio-sama, Houji and his mad devotion to ShiShio-sama's cause,..and all the other JuPonGata with their characteristic emotions and constant expressional fluctuations.. all the Jupongata... except me. It's not like I mind of course..I just wonder what it might be like if i *could* have the same feelings they have.. taste the joys that they savor day by day, feel the passion that arouses them night after night, fear the sadness that tears at their hearts, and most of all..experience the true happiness that lights them up and makes them beautiful... not just a smile..like mine, but *real* happiness- the kind that flows from the heart.. not from just a slight upward curve of the mouth. A month ago, I wouldn't have even had a trace of the thoughts I'm having now. It's funny what one fight can do to a person..no..not a fight.. a person..Himura-san. Why do I keep thinking back to him? Has he impacted me that much? No.. he confuses me. His ways are so different from ShiShio-sama's... Himura-san says..that the strong should protect the weak.. but ShiShio-sama said the exact opposite.. "Let the strong survive..and the weak die..the strong eat the weak." His words still burn like fire in my soul..in my existence. After all..it was these words that taught me to survive in a world where I should have died. Rain.. It's raining again..what a coincidence that I should think of my past..right when it starts to rain.. After all, my very life..well what I consider life..was born from a rain much like this one... Darkness.. lightning streaks across the sky, illuminating the silvery blade of a sword in its godlight, baptizing it with blood flowing in streams..outward from two small, childlike feet to the bodies beyond. A smile..the birth of this killer's smile mingled with tears...but no pain. no happiness..nothing.. Only the killer's smile...red..like the blood that flowed from his hands, fed by his sword. Ah..well..now isn't the time to think of such things. Himura-san was able to put his past.. AND his killing sword away.. and he was once a killer.. perhaps it is time for me to put mine away too..but then again..some things are too difficult to let go. Maybe ten years of wandering will put the past to rest.. I certainly hope so.... The end. I know the ending's not perfect..I guess writing at 2 AM in the morning tends to do that to me..My brain cells are dead and I can't judge whether or not I should add more? Well..that's all I have for now.. pleeeasse comments..and criticism. Thanks. --------------------------- ONElist Sponsor ---------------------------- You can WIN $100 to Amazon.com! If you join ONElist’s FRIENDS & FAMILY program. For details, go to http://www.onelist.com/info/onereachsplash3.html ------------------------------------------------------------------------