|
|
DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
(yes, named after a Loreena McKennitt song ^^; anyone
have another title?)
Written by Nadya Neklioudova
June 16, 1998
Kaoru stood under the roof of the dojo, looking at the falling rain just an arm’s length away from her face. Raindrops pounded on the roof of the dojo, rolling down, falling like pearl-like tears into a stream that flowed away into the night darkness, followed by more and more raindrops in a constant downpour of rain coming from the dark sky. The ‘voice of the rain’ usually would be soothing to anyone else, but to Kaoru, it just added to worry and anxiety. Her tired eyes kept trying to stare through the curtain of rain, searching, waiting...never finding.
Kenshin was gone. A few days ago, after receiving some kind of note, he glanced around worriedly and ran off with his sword. Kaoru just managed to notice him running out of the dojo gates, glancing back at her – noticed his purple eyes with the usual tired look, the look of a man who just wanted to be left alone.
That was the last she’d seen of him for days. How many – she couldn’t remember. Maybe two, or five, or a week... it didn’t matter to her anymore. Nothing mattered – if only he’d come back. If only she knew he was safe. If only she could see him again...
Megumi slowly stepped up to her, calling her name repeatedly, as if trying to bring her back to reality.
"Kaoru...Kaoru, it’s past midnight. Kaoru!"
Kaoru just ignored her. Nothing mattered anymore....
"Kaoru!" Megumi tried to get her to come to her senses. She received no response, and half-understanding Kaoru’s situation, she looked at her, concerned, sighed and slowly walked away. She’d definitely get Kaoru back to reality...tomorrow. She was too tired and worried to argue with her now.
"Nothing matters anymore..." Kaoru found herself whispering, only to be heard by the rain that could never give her any answer, help or hope.
Nothing matters? she thought. How could she think that...of course there are still things that mattered. Her friends, for instance. They were all worried about her...she ignored them when they tried to help. If only they knew how terrible she felt... She hoped they’d understand...Understand what? That she was willing to completely wither and forget everything, forever waiting for Kenshin to come home? A noble and loyal thing to do, she thought, but how far could it go?
What if...what if he never came?
The thought went through her like an electric shock. It was the first time she let herself even think that. Even though she kept the thought buried at the farthest corner of her mind, she always had faith in Kenshin...she always believed that he would come home, that she’d see him again, that he’d walk in, smile at her warmly and she would say "welcome home"...
Perhaps...he didn’t care for her as she did for him...
What was she doing? she stopped herself. Of course he cares! Of course nothing is wrong...he’d be back soon...won’t he? Won’t he???
She’d been telling herself that, trying to reassure herself for days. But no matter how long she waited, Kenshin hasn’t returned... Her heart shattered every time he fought someone. She didn’t know the terrible past of Battousai, but she didn’t want to find it out...as long as Kenshin, Kenshin the Rurouni stayed with her, as long as she knew he was safe.
She looked simply still from the outside, but inside, she was screaming, praying, hoping against hope that Kenshin was safe. What if something happens to him? What’ll she do then?
NO! She clenched her teeth, trying to keep those thoughts locked away, but they somehow kept breaking the lock, creeping up, clinging, strangling her... She’d always believe in him, no matter what...no matter what! He’ll come home, I know it! I know it!! a voice screamed inside her, trying to break the storm-clouds of worry in her mind, trying to dry the downpour that was drowning her hope... If only the worries would go away, if only she could make them leave, get rid of them, kill them!...
If only Kenshin would come home.
Home... Kaoru suddenly realized. He never said before that this was his home.
"I’m a rurouni...I might leave any time," his voice sounded from the depths of her memory. She suddenly opened her eyes, wondering, hoping that it was actually his voice, calling from behind the curtain of rain. Maybe she’d see him in a minute, coming out of the rain that was obscuring everything...
Obeying some little hope she had left, in desperation Kaoru ran out into the rain, dragging herself through the soggy, wet grass for what seemed like infinity. Darkness surrounded her now, the rain was so strong that even the dim lights of the dojo couldn’t be seen, even though she’d only gotten a few meters away from it. "Kaoru..." she felt sure she heard his voice now. She kept running, as if in slow-motion, toward where she thought she heard it, through the grass that sliced her with every step, through the soaking, clinging, cold, cruel rain, hoping that any second now she’d see Kenshin, fall into his arms, exhausted...
"...I might leave any time." The voice in Kaoru’s mind said sternly. Kenshin said that when she first met him...
"No... Please, please, please don’t do this to me! Don’t torture me like this! Leave me alone, please let me GO!" Kaoru screamed at the top of her lungs to the invisible demons around her, hoping that at least her cry wouldn’t be drowned out by the black rain...
Then she stumbled, and fell into sticky, damp darkness.
Her face buried in wet earth, she landed on the cold, wet grass that immediately felt painful because it had cruelly cut her everywhere, even through her kimono. Even the rain pounded on her, keeping her down for the kill... She lost all sense of reality in the darkness around her. Believing it was the demons of her soul trapping her and torturing her, with her last strength she whispered, her voice full of pain, both emotional and physical – "please..."
"Kenshin...Kenshin...Ke..n...shi..n......."
Any sense of reality she still had had faded away into blackness, as did her voice, transforming, for her, into a world of dark, cold, slicing, pounding nightmares, a world with no way out and no hope.
Through a tear in the storm-clouds, the bright moon sorrowfully peeked down at Kaoru.
Her hair-ribbon had fallen out, her dark, long, shining hair softly falling, cascading around her cold, damp, unconscious body, the soft strands of hair carefully laid around her by the gentle rain. The grass she was lying on made a soft, even though wet but comfortable mattress. Caught, trapped in the black nightmares of her soul, she laid there, not moving, hopeless...
"KAORU-DONO!!" Kenshin’s tired, concerned, and worried voice shattered the rain. With the help of moonlight he finally found Kaoru lying unconscious in the middle of the cold, dark, wet night, her hair dishevelled, her face showing torture, pain, and most of all, hopelessness...
"Kaoru-dono..." he picked her up carefully and carried her back to the dojo.
~~~
The warm light or morning awakened Kaoru from her nightmare. She moaned, trying to push away the clinging demons of her mind that tied her into their cold, black, invisible, sticky web...
"Kaoru-dono...Kaoru-dono?"
Who..whose voice was that? trying to dig through her messy mind, that was the first ‘normal’ thought she could remember having. She opened her eyes to see a pair of deep, purple eyes looking down at her, a concerned face framed by a cascade of red hair shining in the morning sun, the ceiling of the dojo above.
"KENSHIN!" she burst out crying, almost jumping on him, so relieved... Kenshin fell on the floor beside her with the unexpected hug. "orooo..."
"Oh God, Kenshin, I was so worried...I was so worried... thank God you’re back...thank God..." she sobbed, wrapping her arms around him, tightly pressing her head against his chest, her tears falling onto his shirt, she hugged him tightly, feeling his warmth, listening to his voice...never wanting to let go again...
Kenshin looked at Kaoru, slightly startled, but then loving and understanding. "I’m happy to see you again too, Kaoru-dono..." he laid there, holding her tightly. "I’m home..."
It took Kaoru a minute to realize those words. Her dojo was home to him... "why didn’t you tell me where... I was so worried y..you...were..."
"Shhh. Please don’t cry..." Kenshin whispered. "I’ll never worry you like that again..I’m sorry..." Kenshin closed his eyes, holding the sobbing Kaoru gently, glad that she was okay...
...glad that he came home.
Well, that’s that folks. ^_^v I hope you liked this...
P.S. sorry for any strange implications (hehehe) the last scene might have had...I thought it was sweet. ^_-x