From: "P. Rico" <prico3@yahoo.com>

From the two twisted minds that brought you "Why the
Kenshin-Gumi Went to College"...

My friend, Andy, was the one who did the actually
writing, but I provided most of the suggestions for
the comercials.  Which begs the question: "Which one
of them is really the craziest?"

I hope you like it and I'll foward any comments to
him.

Standard Disclaimer.

***************************
Krazy Kenshin Kommercials
By A.Kent with assistance from P.Rico

---
Commercial #1

<scene: an empty roof on a primitive Japanese oil
refinery. As the pipes burst into flame, two swordsmen
dance around each other, each seeking an inch of
advantage. The smaller one is obviously taking the
worst of it, as he is marred with several wounds and a
rather prominent burn mark on his chest. The other, a
man wrapped wholly in bandages, brandishes a flaming
sword.>

Shishio’s eyes burst open as Kenshin leads a
battou-style attack with his left foot, indicating the
use of his ougi, the Ama Kakeru Ryu no Hirameki. He
blocks!… but the second swipe of the attack knocks him
spiraling into the air, only to crash down to the
ground.

Shishio: He’s strong… but I won’t be beaten!

Yumi: <looks at her pocketwatch> No! He can’t keep
fighting! It’ll kill him!

Houji: <evil smile> Impossible! Shishio-sama cannot
lose!

Yumi: But the human body can’t withstand that kind of
heat!

Houji: Ordinarily, no. But I came prepared.

Houji pulls a cylinder out from under his cloak. With
a snap of his wrist, he flings it at the steaming body
of Shishio, who catches it in one glove and
immediately consumes the contents.

Kenshin: <half-dizzy from wounds> How…? He’s surpassed
his final limit…

Shishio: <evil grin> Now, Battousai, let’s finish
this. I’ve got a kuni tori to finish.

The can falls from Shishio’s hand and rolls toward the
camera, coming to a rest against the lens and
revealing the words “Nestea Cool” on the can.

Voiceover: Nestea Cool. Cools you to the core.

Kenshin: Oro?

---

Commercial #2

A minivan makes its way through the crowded streets of
Kyoto, amazingly drawing no comment from the locals
despite the anachronism. The sunroof is retracted to
admit a shock of yellow hair.

Interior shot of a rather full minivan.

Shishio: Of course it’s a Suburban. I’d drive nothing
less.

Yumi: Naturally.

Soujirou: ^-^.

Kamatari: Damn it! You always get shotgun.

Hennya: Shishio, Usui won’t quit it!

Shishio: If you two don’t stop it, I’ll murder you and
hang your bloody corpses from the bumper!

Usui: Anytime.

Shishio: <ignoring him> And, of course, it’s fully
loaded. Wood paneling, cup holders, and a full air
conditioning suite, making my attacks even more
deadly.

The minivan leaves the city, passing under six red
temple arches on its way to a mountain stronghold.

Shishio: <vo> And it was affordable, even after we
paid off the bills on the Rengoku.

Houji: I said I’m SORRY already, Shishio-sama!

Shishio: Finally, a van with enough room for all of
the Juppon Gatana.

Exterior shot of the van pulling up next to a gigantic
ankle.

Shishio: Well, almost all of them.

Chevy Suburban. Join our own national domination.

---

Commercial #3

Kenshin enters a Kyoto-area store, drawing several
looks.

Passerby: Look at those scars.

Another passerby: Cross scars… red hair… it must be
the legendary Hitokiri Battousai!

Kenshin picks out some fresh vegetables and goes to
the checkout counter.

Kenshin: <reaching in his gi> Take a check?

Clerk: Sure. I’ll just need some ID.

Kenshin: Oro?

Clerk: You know. Driver’s license, district ID,
hitokiri’s license…

Voice: Aho.

Saitou walks up with two cartons of cigarettes.

Clerk: Heya, Saitou-san. Lucky Strikes again?

Saitou: <producing a card> Here.

Kenshin: O_ox Oro?

Clerk: No problem, Saitou-san.

Visa Check Cards. It’s everywhere you want to be.

---

Commercial #4

<image: a bag full of charcoal>

Five pounds of charcoal: Ten dollars.

<image: A bag full of sulfur>

Seven pounds of sulfur: Thirty dollars.

<image: A big bag full of a white crystalline powder>

Forty pounds of potassium nitrate: One hundred fifteen
dollars.

<image: A tremendous explosion, ripping a large
Japanese-style castle into flaming little bits of
wreckage.>

<image: Sano hugging Katsu with one arm and presenting
the other to the camera in a “v”>

A night out with old friends… priceless.

Some things money can’t buy. For everything else,
there’s MasterCard.

---

Commercial #5

<scene:  Monochrome.  Aoshi is lying on a sofa, shirt
open (ala, the second Kenshin fight), staring off into
the distance.  The sounds of the ocean can be heard in
the background.>

Aoshi:  Only obtaining the title of ‘Strongest’ will
be able to satisfy me and ease the restless souls of
my slain followers  Beshimi…Shikijou…Hyottoko…Hannya.

<Pan to Misao, leaning against a wall holding a single
rose.>

Misao:  I would give him anything, but he only wanted
one thing.

<Pan back to Aoshi.>

Aoshi: Killing the Battousai…it’s my…obsession

<Fade to black>

Obsession by Calvin Klein.

---

Commercial #6

<scene: Sano sitting on a front porch of the dojo
besides Saitou.>

Sano:  Have I ever told you that I really admire you?

Saitou takes a long drag from his cigarette and quirks
an eyebrow.

Sano: The whole “Aku Soku Zan” thing, you know. You
really kick ass, you know that?

Saitou nods.

Sano: <tearing up> I… I love you, man.

Saitou: Aho.

Sano: Nani?!

Saitou: You’re not getting my Bud Light.

Sano: Che.

---

Commercial #7

<scene: A short British man straps several watches to
a massive, bandaged arm.>

Brit: Okay, go ahead.

Anji: Sure.

The fallen priest then proceeds to smash his arm into
several dozen bronze statues of the Buddha, reducing
them to a fine powder. Within seconds, he stands in a
cloud of metallic mist.

Anji stretches out an arm, displaying a gallery of
shattered and broken watches. The camera zooms in; one
of the watches survived unscathed. An extreme close-up
shows the brand Timex embossed on the face of the
watch.

VO: Timex. It takes a licking… and keeps on ticking.

---

Commercial #8

Kenshin and Soujirou stare at each other across a
room, each ready to unsheath their swords and explode
into a martial display the likes of which the world
won’t be able to see, because they both move so
blippin’ fast.

Kenshin: Are you ready?

Soujirou: Not yet. Can I do a two-episode-long
flashback first?

Kenshin: Sure de gozaru yo, but only if I can do a
three-episode-long flashback when I’m fighting
Shishio.

Soujirou: No sweat.

Sano and Yumi share a glance of exasperation.

VO: Not going anywhere for a while?

<scene break>

Kenshin: Are you done yet?

Soujirou: I need to beat my head against the floor
some more. Gimme a sec?

Sano: <sigh>

VO: Snickers really satisfies.

*********************
That's all we could think of.  I'm sure we'll be back
once we think of more (Be afraid, be very afraid=)





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