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All That Matters
(Chapter 1)
by Risu-chan
(dlstrong@prairienet.org)
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Disclaimer:
All hail Watsuki Nobuhiro-sama, creator of the RK universe! All hail Sony and Shueisha for distributing them for us! And --(grovelling lawyerwards)-- please don't hurt me for borrowing them for a few pages! Arigatou gozaimasu.
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Chapter 1
"I don't pretend to know what you want, but I offer love..."
--Crowded House, "Distant Sun"
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"Megumi-san?" Kaoru tried hard to keep her voice steady. The doctor must have heard her fear, though; she immediately put down the cup of dried herbs she was measuring and pointed toward the examination room.
"What's wrong?" For all their sparring otherwise, Megumi understood far too much about fear. Kaoru sat down unsteadily, and tried to explain.
She'd been concerned for months -- it had been a whole season since she'd begun to miss her cycles -- but she hadn't said anything to Kenshin because he'd have worried. Hiko had named him almost too well. His soul was a sword: strength in silence, fierce defense... and terribly fragile under certain types of stress, particularly those he couldn't help mend. She couldn't tell him she was afraid she was seriously ill. And she attributed the sickness to nerves... but she'd found a lump in her stomach...
Silently, Megumi put her face in her hands.
Kaoru shut her eyes fiercely, and braced herself, and said, "Just tell me."
Half to herself, Megumi said, "It often goes like this..."
"What does?"
Megumi looked down at her with some unreadable emotion in her eyes -- pity, or laughter, or envy. "You silly girl," she said, "you're carrying his child."
Kaoru stalked home venting her outraged humiliation on every twig that so much as offered indignities to her kimono. She couldn't have known -- no one had ever told her -- but she should have known -- so she wouldn't have had to watch Megumi try not to laugh at the tanuki-girl yet again -- and she wouldn't have had to lie to Kenshin to sneak out this evening and come to Megumi's office..
...Of course he knew I was lying; of course he's known I've been hiding this for months; but he's always too kind to force a confrontation... so I've been stewing in my own guilt and worries for MONTHS and none of it was even necessary...
Kaoru burst into tears in the middle of the forest.
He'll make such a wonderful father -- but what if I'm no good as a mother? I can't cook and I can't sew and he does all the housework and I've got a lousy temper and look at all the times I hit Yahiko with a shinai and --
"Kaoru-chan, daijoubu...?"
Kaoru jumped at least three feet sideways; when her feet reconnected with the ground, she spun around and shouted, "Don't DO that to me!"
Kenshin stood sheepishly two steps away, his sweet face half obscured by the unruly thatch of bright hair and the blaze of sunset behind him, but his voice was far more mature than the wistful picture he made. "Sumanei de gozaru. I shouldn't have followed, and I shouldn't have startled you. But... will you talk to me now that you've talked to Megumi-dono?"
Kaoru opened her mouth to try... then buried her face in both hands, shaking with sobs.
His voice dropped to a whisper. "There's nothing I can do, is there."
That one frightened her. "No -- oh, Kenshin, no, it's not like that..." she gulped back the rest of her tears, and choked, "I'm fine... really I am... I don't mean to worry you, I don't want to lie, it's just... it's so silly, I shouldn't have had to ask... I..." She was beginning to realize how little sense that made, and struggled to put herself back together, summoning a tearful smile. "I'm carrying your child, love."
"I know," he said... and then made a startled sound, lunging to catch her before she fell over. "But... isn't that why you were crying?"
"What do you mean, you know?" she wailed.
"The life-song... the chi of your living... if it were music, there are two notes in you now, where there was one," Kenshin said, still puzzled. "I can read more than battle-chi..."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you?" he echoed, almost plaintive. "I thought... I was sure you knew; it's your body... and I thought you... didn't want it..."
"What?" Kaoru whispered.
"I thought..." he stopped, bent his head, and murmured, "I thought you were... hiding, and unhappy, and... grieving... because you didn't want to bear a child..."
Kaoru stared at him, then said incredulously, "Kenshin no baka, I thought I was dying! I had no idea -- until I talked to Megumi --" and then she had to catch him from falling over, and laughed through the last of her tears, and clung to him near as fiercely as he clung to her; and then she said through hiccuping giggles that were almost sobs, "Oh, love, we've got to stop doing this to each other. Come on, let's go home and talk, instead of tiptoeing around trying not to worry each other..."
"But..." the little catch in his voice tore at her... "but you mean... you don't mind?"
"Mind?" Kaoru stopped to think about it for the first time. It took her the space of three heartbeats just to calm herself enough to realize what she was actually feeling... and then she said, very carefully, "I think the only thing I've ever wanted more than this is you." She watched relief wash over him like a wave, leaving nothing but light in his eyes; almost giddy with her own relief, she added hesitantly, "I... um... asked Megumi, and... she says we wouldn't hurt the baby, not until very late..."
Under the innocence in the wide violet eyes and the guileless smile, there was a wickedly merry spark dancing in him: "You asked Megumi-dono what de gozaru ka?"
Two can play that game, oro-chan, Kaoru thought, and tried to imitate Megumi's favorite simper. "Oh, Kenshin, I can't say, I can't... but... if we were home... I might show you..."
He promptly picked her up. Kaoru yelped, and smacked him across the head just firmly enough to rumple his hair. "Kenshin, I can walk!"
"Hai de gozaru," he said, with the sort of tranquility that was more dangerous than a laugh, "but you can't run."
"I can so..."
"Not," he said placidly, "like I can."
"Oh dear," Kaoru said, which was all she had time for before he proved his point.
The next morning, running her fingers through his hair to watch the light pour over it like silk and flame, Kaoru said very sleepily, "I hope he takes after you. He'll be adorable."
Kenshin propped his head up on one hand, and smiled down at her, and blew her bangs back from her forehead long enough to bend and set a kiss there. "I hope she takes after you."
"He," Kaoru said primly, patting her abdomen. "I'm a mother; I know these things."
"Sou de gozaru ka?"
Thinking back to the previous day, her face burned scarlet; she hoped he didn't notice, though that was little enough hope considering it was Kenshin, who noticed everything... "That's different," she said, struggling for lofty dignity.
"Hai de gozaru..."
"It is!"
"Hai, hai..." The half-hidden gleam of amusement in his sleepy eyes was entirely unfair, both to her dignity and to her self-control. To distract herself from what she really wanted to do to awaken the drowsing light in his eyes -- which would more than likely have wakened Yahiko in the next room -- she wrapped her kimono around herself and grumbled.
"Mou. Kenshin, if you're cheating again..."
"Cheating?"
"That chi stuff. --Anyway, we'll see who's right." She looked toward the sometimes irritatingly thin wall between their room and Yahiko's, and softened her voice in merry conspiracy: "How are we going to tell Yahiko and Sano?"
"Eh...?"
"You know. How are we going to tell them they're going to be uncles?"
"Tell them de gozaru ka?" he echoed, blinking innocently at her. "They're bright; won't they figure it out?"
Kaoru hastily stifled a shriek of laughter against his chest. One of these days, she thought, I'm going to have to ask Sano to make him an aku ichimonji hanten, just so the rest of us can have some warning that behind those sweet eyes he's actually the most evil man alive...
As time passed, Kaoru began to worry about a dozen little things: perhaps she wasn't increasing quickly enough, or perhaps her cooking would hurt the baby, or perhaps when she grew round Kenshin would suddenly start treating her like the untouchable lady to be protected rather than a desirable woman to be loved... by the middle of her fourth month, though, she still didn't look as pregnant as she thought she should. Her waistline had vanished into a vague curve from ribs to hips, but she didn't stick out in front the way she'd expected. She tied her sash in the same place she'd tied it for three weeks, with a little of the padding removed, and said to Kenshin anxiously, "I don't know. Maybe it is my cooking."
"Your cooking is fine," he said, gallantly if not quite honestly. "I think it's just that you're stronger than most women. Of course, I don't know anything at all about it..."
"But you knew before I did!"
"That was chi," he said. "That's different. --Ow."
"Serves you right. What's that supposed to mean anyway, stronger than most women?"
"You're a kenjutsu instructor," he said, as if surprised it wasn't obvious. "You train, and you teach, and you use your body differently than many women do. So you'd have stronger stomach muscles... so the baby will just have to push more to make room..."
Kaoru fretted over that theory to Megumi, who laughed and thwapped her head lightly with a folded fan. "Tanuki-girl," Megumi said, "I'd imagine Ken-san's exactly right. And trust me; in a month or three you're going to wish you could complain about not being round enough..."
Annoyingly enough, Megumi was right about that too. Kaoru was startled to need to take more padding out of her kimono in order to keep the line smooth, and then delighted to feel the baby moving; when they were alone, she caught Kenshin's hand and pressed it to her stomach so firmly he protested in laughing concern. The protest confused her a little, and then worried her...
...because he'd never touched her middle himself, not since she started growing round. Not even when they made love. It was only the middle of her fifth month; if her figure revolted him now...
But it wasn't exactly revulsion, she thought. If anything, it was awe. The way he looked at her sometimes took her breath away... but if it wasn't revulsion, then why...? He would do anything else she asked of him, whether it was as mundane as laundry or as silly as just sitting still and holding her... but he always, always found some excuse. Hastily-recalled dishes, or a sudden discovery that the ribbon was crooked in her hair and he had to straighten it, or clouds which might mean a storm that might soak the quilts hung out to dry, or an 'impulse' to tickle her silly, or something. Half the time she didn't even realize his diversions herself, until she thought about it later.
He'd asked her if she didn't want the baby. She'd never thought to ask him...
Kaoru lay beside him one night and choked back tears until she couldn't anymore.
His hand was gentle and warm against the nape of her neck, rubbing the tension out for her. "Have I hurt you somehow?"
"It's not your fault..."
It wasn't aversion of any sort, Kaoru told herself; she'd seen him watch her with rapt fascination, studying every curve and shadow by lamplight. And he was always a considerate lover; and she felt fairly certain that he wasn't intending to ask her to stop out of some misplaced anxiety. When he gave himself, he gave himself heart and soul and body, no reservations. So, then, why...?
"Why what?"
"Did I say that?" she squeaked.
"You didn't need to." His hand shifted to her huddled shoulders. "Your body said it for you. What is it?"
Miserably, Kaoru asked, "Why don't you ever want to touch the baby?"
His hand froze against her back; he didn't even breathe.
"If... if the bulge is... if I look..." she stopped, gulped hard, and said determinedly, "anyway, I understand..."
"No," he whispered.
"But... why else?"
"Kaoru, I love you for the bright spirit I see in your eyes," he said softly to her back, "not your waistline. When have I ever looked at you -- or Sano, or anyone -- with only my eyes? And... if anything... seeing how you blossom with the child..." his voice caught.
Kaoru rolled over to face him anxiously. "Kenshin...? Why?"
"I... --it's so hard for me to..." He stopped, and sat up, hunched over an old, nameless pain... over his fisted hands. Staring down blank-eyed, he fought for each word: "I keep... forgetting. That you can't... you don't see what I see... but..." he glanced at her sidelong, miserably, then stood and moved to open the door to stare out at the night; the moon blued his profile and the chilled pain in the fist knotted at his side. Anxiously, Kaoru followed him, put a careful palm against his shoulder, then stroked gently -- as though he were a wild thing which might startle. Kenshin sighed, and bent his head.
"Sumanei de gozaru. Sumanei. Kaoru-do-... --Kaoru, koishii. You know what I was. What I did. And... however much I try to hide it, to push it away... the memories are burned into my flesh. Every gesture, every reaction, every scar... I still have the chi of one who gives death. So I can't... I don't want to taint the child's soul..."
Kaoru stared at him for a long moment.
Kenshin looked up at her with the moon's ageless grief shimmering in his eyes. "I'm sorry, love..."
He honestly was not expecting the fist she drove straight into his shoulder; it rocked him off balance, until she caught him by both arms and shook him until his head wobbled back and forth. "Kenshin... no... baka! Kenshin no baka -- too many fights, that's it; someone's rattled your brain loose; tomorrow I'm taking you to Megumi, maybe she can reattach it! Tonight --" she stopped, kissed him, and then started shaking him again. "So why do you let yourself touch me?"
"Because..." He couldn't speak coherently while he couldn't keep his head straight; he caught her wrists, gently, but all of a sudden she couldn't move to shake him. "Because you're an adult. You have your life, your mind, years of experience to set against what I am..."
"You are not some kind of monster!" Kaoru fumed.
"Beloved... yes, I am." He let her go, anxiously looking for some sort of comprehension. "The world is cruel enough. I don't want our child to feel echoes of that cruelty from me, before she's even born."
"Do you want me to hit you?"
"If it would make you feel better de gozaru..."
"It'd make me feel better if you'd listen to me!"
"Kaoru-chan..." he hesitated, curved a gentle hand to her cheek, and murmured, "you admit yourself that you can't sense chi."
"Then -- dammit -- who else does? Who will you believe?"
"In anything else, I would believe you. I'm sorry..."
"Will you stop saying that if you haven't got any intention of discussing it?"
"I'm--" he stopped short, and said, lower-pitched, "You're right. But I'm sorry nonetheless." He looked at her in the moonlight, and his face softened. "You should rest. Come to bed; I'll rub your back for you... if you don't mind... or I can sleep in the dojo if..."
"Kenshin no baka."
"But I'm upsetting you."
Kaoru sighed, and pulled him close enough to hold, and murmured into the bright shaggy mess of his hair, "You're upsetting me because I love you more than you think you ought to be loved, you moron. Come on."
The next morning, she spent more care than usual making sure that her obi was tied smoothly and the padding was in the proper place so that the curve of her abdomen wasn't visible; after breakfast, she smiled at Kenshin and Yahiko, and said, "I'll get the tofu today; I need to go in to town anyway."
"But..." Kenshin glanced sideways at Yahiko, remembered their wry game, and said with a faint smile, "But I'll be done with the dishes in a few minutes; I could go."
"It's a girl thing," Kaoru said, trying for Megumi-eyes and suspecting she'd failed miserably because now even Yahiko was looking at her in suspicion. "...Never mind, all right? I've got a surprise for each of you and I have to go by myself or you'll know what it is, won't you."
"A surprise?" Yahiko said, grinning. "Can I bring Sano?"
"That's a good idea. --Come to think of it, it'd be nice if you could spend the day with him, or with Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan."
"Just me?"
"Mm-hmm." She smiled. "I've got a different surprise in mind for my husband here."
"Oro?"
Yahiko dissolved into gales of hilarity, gasping, "Fine...! Sure...! In fact... see you tomorrow...!"
"Thank you," Kaoru said demurely.
"...ororo?!"
Yahiko lost it again, scrubbing laugh-tears from his cheeks as he staggered out.
It hadn't actually been a lie, Kaoru thought, idly swinging the tofu bucket as she walked through the town. Yahiko deserved the belt she'd gotten for him; and she wouldn't be training him any more for a few months, so now was a good time for it. That left Kenshin's surprise... if she could find the courage...
Kaoru tugged at her obi one more time, and walked into the Tokyo Prefecture police headquarters.
Saitou Hajime looked at her coolly. Kaoru squared her shoulders and looked back, and wished she'd had the forethought to leave the bucket of tofu in the hall.
"Well...?" he said.
"I need your help. About Kenshin."
Saitou's eyes narrowed. "Did he...? --no, I can't believe he'd strike you, not even as the Battousai. So what did he do?"
"It's not like that," Kaoru snapped. "It's... well... listen. You know what he does with chi, right? You do it too?"
"Ahou ga. Of course I do. But --" and the pain of this honesty was visible -- "perhaps not as well."
"That doesn't matter," she said impatiently. "I need you to explain some things to him."
"Me? Tanuki no ahou, have you ever noticed how well he listens to anything I say to him?"
"Then that makes two of us," Kaoru muttered. Saitou made a short, barking sound of laughter.
"All right, I'm listening."
Now that she actually had his attention, the words were sticking in her throat. "I... need you to tell him... that he won't... he can't... he's afraid he'll... um..."
Saitou quirked one excruciatingly ironic eyebrow. "Is this the point where I begin making indelicate guesses?"
"No, it's the baby," she said all in a rush, feeling her face burn. "He's afraid his chi will... will hurt the... baby..."
Now his expression was utterly unreadable. Kaoru shut her eyes to keep herself from trying.
After a long, silent moment, his voice startled her -- both with its suddenness and with the unexpected, almost terrifying gentleness. "Come on, you little twit. And give me that bucket."
They walked in silence from the station to the dojo; Kaoru spent half her time debating whether she ought to insist he give her tofu back, and the other half trying to work up the nerve to speak as she stared down at one elegantly white-gloved hand around the handle of their beat-up, much-mended tofu bucket. She still hadn't summoned the nerve to look into his face.
At the door of the dojo, Saitou stopped her with a hand on her sleeve.
"Did you ever stop to ask," he said calmly, "whether he might be right?"
Kaoru's heart lurched sickly into her throat. With a half-stifled oath, he put down the bucket and caught her by the arms to steady her. When she could breathe again around the sick fear, she gasped, "He isn't. He can't be. --Is he?"
He looked down at her, then sighed and bent to pick up the bucket again. "Come on."
This time she caught his sleeve. "Is he?"
"Tanuki-girl... in all honesty, I don't think so, but I don't know. I couldn't. But he has the strongest spirit I have ever known..."
"But he's Kenshin," Kaoru said desperately. "Isn't that in his chi too, besides all the old garbage about hitokiri and... and..."
Saitou looked down at her with a peculiar, crooked smile. "He doesn't deserve you, you know."
Kaoru stood glaring back at him while her jaw worked that one over; then she said, "Give me my tofu before I try to knock you down, please."
Saitou chuckled, and made a mocking little half-bow, and said, "I couldn't possibly. After all... the delicacy of your tender condition... no, I think I'd better carry this for you." He set a hand on the gate.
"Hey," Kaoru said. "You. If you... --Don't try to pick a fight with Kenshin. Just don't. If you draw another sword under my roof, Saitou Hajime, I swear I'll kill you myself just so he won't have to. You got that? Don't even think about using my... condition... to try to push him..."
Saitou turned, and smiled at her again, still ironic. "What do you think I am?"
"Mibu's Wolf," Kaoru said, uncompromising.
"Guilty as charged, then." He pushed the gate open.
"Hey!"
"Yes?" he said, with the back of his head to her.
"Swear it. Now. Or..." She stopped herself before she had to start bluffing, and said fiercely, "Just swear it."
"I swear," he drawled.
"By something that means something to you!" Saitou reached out a lazy white-gloved hand and rumpled her ponytail; she ducked away angrily. "Saitou Hajime, you... you..."
"He really doesn't deserve you," Saitou said. "All right, tanuki-girl. By my honor -- by Tokio's love -- I swear to you, I won't try to bring the Battousai out of your child's father here. Happy?"
After a moment, Kaoru said, "Yes. But why was that so easy?"
"We don't need him now," Saitou shrugged. "If he wants to try to delude himself with peace and a family and all the little domestic games he plays, it's his business."
"For now?"
"Of course for now! Nothing in this world is permanent. Nothing. --But I will leave you your joy as long as I can." He stepped through the gates. After a moment, Kaoru hurried to catch up.
Even without swords, the ensuing argument startled the birds out of the cherry tree in the garden. Kenshin felt that Kaoru should never have handed such knowledge or such power to Saitou -- vow or no vow -- at which point Saitou laughed, and observed dryly that if he thought people's notice was a problem now, he should wait until the child was old enough to wander away -- not a threat, just an observation -- "unless you plan to hijack a boat to some Godforsaken volcanic rock in the Pacific and live on coconuts for the rest of your lives, that is--" Well, in any case, it was a private concern -- which, Kaoru said, was fine if he'd given her any indication that they could resolve it privately; as it was, she couldn't even address the issue, so she needed an outside expert whom he might actually listen to. Which, Kenshin said coldly, assumed that the 'outside expert' could even begin to --
Saitou lit a cigarette, and said, almost affectionately, "Himura-tachi no ahou, shut up and listen for a minute." And he lectured them both for quite a while, long enough that he stubbed out the cigarette on his boot heel and flicked it into the garden gravel; and then he pulled off his gloves with his teeth, took three long steps, and caught Kenshin's hands.
Blithely ignoring the flare of danger in Kenshin's eyes, and the tension that preceded a strike in his wrists, Saitou turned his hands palm-up, coaxed the fists loose with a thumb, and said, "Look, moron. Not with your fear, not with your guilt, not with your hatred of me or yourself -- look, the way you'd look at your opponent. To see what's there, not what you fear is there. And if you can't do that, I'll tell you -- but if you can't do that, I don't know how you're still alive."
He held Kenshin's hands still for a long moment. Finally, almost curious, he said, "Can you even see around that mixed-up mess of guilt and grief and regret and all those self-crippling vows you made?"
"I don't know," Kenshin said. "I don't know if... you see, I want it too much to be able to know..."
Saitou chuckled, low-pitched, and released his hands. "Remarkable. You're human after all. For a while I thought one of those whacks on the head had you believing you're some kind of Buddhist saint sent here for penance." He turned toward the door, pulling a glove back on.
Kenshin's voice was nearly unrecognizable, low and harsh with pain, suspicion, and pure aching need: "Saitou...?"
Saitou hesitated, then said, "That's right; I said I'd tell you, didn't I."
Kaoru fisted both hands at her sides, ready to knock the insufferable man flat if he toyed with Kenshin's heart any more--
Saitou caught Kenshin's chin in the gloved hand, looked soberly into the violet eyes for a long moment... and then brought his empty glove down on the top of Kenshin's head with a thwack that tousled bangs into his face.
"Himura, you imbecile," Saitou said resignedly, "you won't warp her child. Of course the poor thing's going to have mental problems -- with the two of you for parents, the kid's doomed already -- but that's going to be entirely the result of growing up watching you play mental hide-and-seek with yourself..."
Kenshin jerked his chin away and glared up at him. "Dammit, Saitou..."
"What, were the words too complicated for you?" Saitou asked solicitously. "Let me try nice short ones. You. Won't. Hurt. Her. Got it?"
"Get out."
"And here I thought I'd at least have earned my dinner. --Maybe I should hang out a sign at the station: Gorou Fujita-sensei, police investigations and marital counseling, fee one bowl of kake soba..."
Kenshin's eyes were dangerous. Hastily, Kaoru put herself between them, and got a grip on Kenshin's sword hand just in case. "Um... you're right, Saitou-san, I really should ask you to dinner; you're out late because of me, after all..."
Saitou gave her the wolf's grin. "No, thanks. I'd rather eat without the Glare of Death from across the table... not to mention I've heard about your cooking. Some other time..." He pulled the second glove on, snapped an ironic salute, and slid the door shut just before her flung sandal connected with the point where his face had been. They could hear him whistling as he walked down the path to the gate.
"That insufferable..." Kaoru growled.
"That son of a..." Kenshin growled at the same time.
They looked at each other, and the identical stormcloud expressions were suddenly hilarious. Kaoru slid down the wall, convulsed with giggles; Kenshin fell over beside her, shaking with silent laughter.
"I'm sorry," Kaoru gasped. "I'm sorry -- you're right -- I don't care how much I needed someone else who can sense chi. To pick him...! I should have gone to Kyoto before I asked him..."
Kenshin looked at her almost soberly for a minute, and then the corners of his eyes crinkled again. "If you'd gone to Kyoto, you'd have come back with Aoshi or my shishou -- and I don't know which of them would be worse...!"
"Oh, God, you're right; never mind..." Kaoru gave one shaking sigh and tried to pull her wits back together. "Still. I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand watching you hurt and knowing I couldn't even try to help..."
Kenshin sighed, and smoothed her hair back from her face, and said, "I'm sorry, too. It's an art, not a science, and your love makes you strong; even if... if I were dangerous... you could have defended--"
Kaoru put a palm over his mouth. "Darling, shut up. I don't need defending. Least of all from you."
He took utterly unfair advantage of the situation, kissing her palm in a way that made her bones melt. Then he looked up at her again, cradling her hand against his cheek, and said in a very cat-with-cream voice, "It seems we were both right de gozaru; you about me, and I about the child..."
"And what makes you say that?" Kaoru asked a little breathlessly.
"Saitou also said 'her'."
"He did not!" Kaoru thought back to the last condescending barb, and said indignantly, "But he meant me!"
"Sou de gozaru ne...?"
"Mou! Kenshin!"
"...maa, maa, I'll take your word for it," he said, smiling. "I'd better take your word for it; look what happened the last time I didn't listen de gozaru..."
"...Honto ni. And just you remember that, too."
"Hai, hai..."
"Speaking of listening --" Kaoru buried her hands in his hair until she could work loose the blue ribbon. "We've got the whole place to ourselves right now. And dinner can wait."
"Sou da ne. Demo... chotto matte..." He coaxed her to her feet and led her across the room, to where the sunset over the garden sent long warm shafts of light through the paper in the doors. "The light's better here. I can't really see you by the lantern at night. If you don't mind, that is..."
Kaoru stopped herself before she put defensive hands over her bulge -- this was what she'd wanted, after all; never mind the furtive guilt that insisted she was getting so fat now. "Fine," she said, "as long as I can see you too."
Kenshin bent his head, almost shy. "Yes, but... I have scars..."
"Kenshin no baka," Kaoru said tiredly, "you think I don't know that?"
"...aa." He offered a sheepish smile, and gestured toward her obi vaguely. "Would you mind if I...? --oh, dear..."
Kaoru had knotted both of her hands in his gi, pulled it off one shoulder, and was following the shadow of his collarbone with a line of kisses. She hadn't quite figured on the fact that it left her ear in range; he kissed the ridge, then caught it in his teeth.
"You know, you overgrown kitten," Kaoru mumbled into the hollow of his throat, "you're going to have to let go; you've got another shoulder I want to get at..."
"Chotto," he mumbled into -- around -- her ear, with his hands busy at her waist. The knot of the obi came free, and he let it fall, then coaxed the kimono off her shoulders so its own weight would drag it to the floor. Then he let her go, and took half a step back to be able to look at her.
Kaoru knotted her hands at her sides to keep from trying to hide the bulge in the middle. His eyes flickered from her face to her belly to the stray lock of hair dangling over her cheek, trying to memorize every inch of her; the sunset gilded his hair from embers to flame, and made his body a statue carved of ivory and gold, except for the faint shift and flex of his breathing. Suddenly understanding how he could stand and stare in breathless awe, she reached to trace the line of shadow along his collarbone, down his breast, along his side...
...her fingers met the scar left by Saitou's sword, and suddenly her vision blurred with tears. "Kenshin..."
He'd felt the place where she hesitated, of course, and brought her hand to his lips to kiss each finger in apology. "I'll be more careful. I'll be as careful as I can."
"You'd better."
"I will. I promise."
Not saying, of course, that 'as careful as he could' made no commitments for the ones who wanted him dead in the first place... she shivered, and he drew her close enough to hold, close enough to warm with his own life. "Aishiteru," he murmured, rubbing the hollow of her back where the baby's weight pulled. "Kaoru-koishii, itsumo aishiteru..."
"Oh," she said, smiling around the tears. "Oh, that's much better than Kaoru-dono." She could feel him trembling with suppressed laughter, and caught a handful of his hair to tickle the sensitive spot between his shoulderblades. He clutched at her desperately to keep from doubling up with hilarity.
"You promise you'll be careful?"
"Hai -- hai -- sumanei de gozaru yo...! I surrender..." He rested his cheek against her shoulder, trying to catch his breath enough to straighten; one of his hands slipped slowly from her shoulder to her side, then to the place her waist had been, lighter than the brush of snowflakes, but wonderfully warm. She could all but feel him struggling with himself, and didn't realize she was holding her breath until he chuckled softly.
"I think perhaps... to save you from suffocation... perhaps I should."
"Yes, you should," she squeaked, trying to breathe around her heart in her throat. Still, his fingertips were almost maddeningly timid, tracing a tentative arc from her side to the baby-fullness in front. When she couldn't stand the butterfly-tickle anymore, she pressed his palm to her abdomen and curved her hand over his to hold it there. He stood frozen for a moment, then knelt before her and gently pressed his ear and his scarred cheek to her roundest place.
The baby promptly kicked him in the cheek.
Caught between laughter and concern, the laughter won; Kaoru giggled herself light-headed, stroking his hair smooth with her free hand. "Daijoubu? He does that a lot; don't take it personally... or... better yet, do! 'Yoroshiku, 'touchan; what took you so long to introduce yourself?...'"
She took his small shaking gasps for laughter, until she felt the warm wet slide of his tears against her skin. It stopped the last of her giggles immediately; anxious, she tried to coax his chin up enough to see his face. "Kenshin...?" He didn't answer; frustrated, she stamped one foot. "Don't you dare go and take that as a sign that the baby doesn't like you or the sky is falling or some sort of nonsense like that -- don't you dare..."
"N-no..." he choked, still holding her close, still with hot tears trickling down his face and her belly. When the baby stirred again, he gasped with a sob; it was all she could stand, and she clumsily sat down beside him so she could hold him and rock him back and forth as he wept. But he kept a hand -- his sword hand -- curved against her abdomen; so despite it all, she was almost happy...
When the worst of the storm eased, she coaxed him out from behind the fire-and-midnight tangle of their hair, and brushed a few damp strands from his face, and kissed the last salty tracks from his tear-stained cheeks. He shuddered when she kissed the scar, but didn't protest; Kaoru was fiercely glad of that, because otherwise she would have had to hurt him. And then she kissed his forehead, and the point of his nose, and would have happily continued for a while if her concern hadn't nudged her with sharper toes than the baby's. "Daijoubu?" she asked again, gently.
"I... I never knew..." His voice cracked; he swallowed hard and tried again. "I knew the face of the world's cruelty -- I was its left hand, in the darkness... but I never knew the world could be so tender..."
"Oh," Kaoru said, and found herself blinking back her own tears. "...Oh, love..."
He offered her a wistful, tremulous smile; the wondering joy that shone in him was warmer than the sunlight, even with tears standing unshed in his eyes. "I hope you don't mind..."
"Mind?"
His smile softened, amused at himself as much as her vehemence. "I mean... I said 'hello,' in a way, and... Kaoru-chan, our little kitten wants to play...!"
"Really?" Kaoru put startled hands against her bulge, then stared at him. "You could tell?" He nodded, all but shivering with wonder.
"I think I could truly thank him, now."
"Saitou?" Kaoru guessed.
"Hiko."
Hiko... Kaoru wondered silently if she could ever trust herself to speak to him, let alone thank him. The one who had taken a lostling child and made him a breathing weapon, then dismissed him for being a weapon with the passions of a mind and a heart; the one who had first taught him how to forge flesh and soul and steel into death-made-dance... who had taught him how to gauge the split-second decisions in a flung rock or an enemy's soul. The one who had taught him how to sense, and use, the chi that knit together every living and unliving piece of the world... so that he never felt the simple peace that came from a moment's innocence, and so that nothing could ever take him unaware; but finally, now, so that he could offer a gentle touch to the spirit of his unborn child, and feel the child's curious, delighted response...
The baby kicked so fiercely she could see it, and she laughed around a wince of discomfort: "Goodness. Ken-love, he does want to play..."
Kenshin had already curved anxious hands against her, head bowed, murmuring half to himself, "Daijoubu da ne, koneko. Daijoubu da..." The baby stirred more gently beneath his hands; agreement, or apology, or just a sleepy little kitten? Kaoru started to ask, then realized she couldn't. This was the first time she'd ever seen him find uncomplicated joy in what he was, in what only he could do... and she wasn't about to interrupt that. Instead, she simply watched him as the sunlight faded.
...she really ought to have lit lanterns earlier, she thought, if only for herself; he never seemed to need one. Kaoru suddenly wondered if, when he saw through the dark, his eyes were golden...
Despite herself she made a faint sound of protest when he stood suddenly, silently, and vanished into the dark. A long minute later -- as she wondered furtively what she could have done -- his footsteps warned her a moment before the sudden warm weight of blankets settled around her shoulders, and he knelt beside her to light a lamp.
"Thank you for suffering my silly whims," he said, abashed, head bowed over the tinder box. "And my moods, and all of it... I don't deserve you."
"Don't you ever say that again," Kaoru retorted, half laughing. "Because you don't ever want to talk like Saitou, do you?" She reached out and twined her fingers through the thick soft mess of his hair, then coaxed him close enough to wrap the blankets around him.
"Demo... he was right about one thing today, I hope..."
"Hush," Kaoru said. "Let's not waste another minute of this perfectly good... and perfectly solitary... night..."
There were some distinct advantages to marrying a master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu. He continually surprised her with the strength hidden in his slight body... and his flexibility, and his creativity. She couldn't play on his level in terms of strength or flexibility, particularly not right now, but creativity was something she did very well -- particularly under the influence of one red-headed inspiration.
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Author's notes...
Thank you to Tae-san for the title (from "Only You" by Pat Benatar... I haven't actually heard the song but I trust her judgement!)
Thank you to Tae-san, Raya-san, and everyone who read it and told me "you know, it's not as bad as you think it is..."
Thank you to Ardith-san for kindly taking time out of her busy study schedule to correct my Japanese for me. Any mistakes remaining are entirely my fault, and so is the glossary. Warning: I've been "studying" Japanese through osmosis (aka 5 hours every Saturday at the UIUC anime club), so my interpretations may be out of sync with reality.
Glossary...
Aa: Kenshin's variant on yes/fine (almost equivalent to hai but seems less formal)
Ahou: idiot, moron, imbecile (Saitou's trademark variation on baka)
Aishiteru: I love you (itsumo: always/forever)
Chotto, chotto matte: wait / wait a minute
Daijoubu: okay/all right (works both as "it's all right" and as "are you all right?")
De gozaru (dodging flames; this is Kenshin fanfic; everyone knows Kenshin by now): Ardith told me that people don't speak that formally with family and close friends, and Kenshin doesn't say it to Sano. But I'm still using it with Kaoru once in a while when he's making a particular point of being careful and / or apologetic... or when he's teasing her. (That's also why once in a while he relaxes into da, da ne.) Gomen nasai, Ardith-san...
Demo: but... (starting a sentence with a questioning hesitation)
Honto, honto ni: really
...ka: how you say "?"
Koishii: beloved, darling
Koneko: kitten
...ne: sometimes a question, sometimes a statement, expects agreement from the listener
Oro-chan: well, it seemed like Kenshin has three personalities but two names, so I kind of made a third one up... does anyone know if there is actually a name for Kenshin in oro-chan mode?
Sumanei de gozaru: this seems to be the version of sumimasen ("pardon me/ thank you for humoring me/ I'm sorry for imposing") that Kenshin uses most often. I can't actually find it in a grammar book; I can find sumanai, and I can find that some attitude-projecting dialects shift -nai to -nei (Ranma and Sano and Battousai), but it seems structurally odd to me to see -nei with de gozaru... but the sound of Suzukaze Mayo-san's voice seems pretty definitely sumanei... and Ardith-san didn't mention that I had it wrong... so I left it...
-tachi: makes a collective (atashitachi: us, omaetachi: you plural).
Tanuki: the Japanese version of what the UIUC anime club translates as "raccoon" (Kaoru's nickname)
touchan, otousan: daddy, father
... yo: how you say "!" (from Kenshin and Kaoru anyway; Sano and Yahiko and the Battousai say "...zo")
Yoroshiku: lit. good/nice, usually heard on first introduction to someone (more formally dozo yoroshiku)
Clothes note (forgive the theater tech/costuming major please): according to the research I've seen, traditionally the ideal shape for a woman wearing a kimono is close to cylindrical. They wear padding under the obi and kimono so they don't have curves. Which is pretty convenient for hiding the first two-thirds of pregnancy...
Chapter 2 (Yahiko's surprise) coming soon...
--Risu-chan (Squirrel Girl... in-joke...)