All That Matters
(Chapter 3)
by Risu-chan
(dlstrong@prairienet.org)
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Disclaimer:
All hail Watsuki Nobuhiro-sama, creator of the RK universe! All hail Sony and Shueisha for distributing them for us! And --(grovelling lawyerwards)-- please don't hurt me for borrowing them for a few pages! Arigatou gozaimasu.
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Chapter 3
"Yes, forward on the foe! We go, we go...
at last we go, at last we go, at last we really really really really really really really go..."
--the police squad from Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan

[This is also known as Foreshadowing Applied With Sledgehammer. Just be a little patient... and keep reading after the glossary... :)]
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As the end of the year grew near, and with it the end of Kaoru's seventh month, all three of her men turned obsessively protective in their own ways. Sanosuke refused to let her carry anything heavier than the tofu bucket; Yahiko kept scolding her into sitting down or wrapping her in blankets; Kenshin...

...well, Kenshin was Kenshin, only more so. Kaoru was almost dreading the birth, because there wouldn't be a thing he could do to help and he might just drive himself mad with trying. No matter where she went, if she left the dojo he either walked with her or shadowed her... wearing the sakabatou. (And he'd gotten Sano and Yahiko on his side, too.) If he could anticipate anything she might need, he did it himself so she wouldn't have to. And since she really shouldn't be teaching anymore -- not that they'd had a paying student for years now, but she'd never given up hope -- he decided he had to find ways to earn their food. Some of it he admitted easily; some of it he didn't. He washed dishes at the Akabeko in exchange for their dinner on occasion, and had actually coaxed Sano into chopping wood for them through pure silent guilt-from-example...

...Kaoru hadn't known Sano was susceptible to any sort of guilt when it came to matters of earning his keep or feeding himself. But Kenshin had murmured something to him one night as he left for the Akabeko; Sano stopped in his tracks, stood squirming as he watched Kenshin walk down the path to the gates, muttered something filthy under his breath, and took off at a run to follow him... and she'd have killed to know what it was Kenshin had said. But she couldn't ask Sano himself, it'd defeat the purpose of holding it over his head; and Kenshin had just blinked at her and said "oro?"

He did the same on the days he wouldn't tell her where he was going. He wouldn't admit where he went, or where the money he brought came from. If it was anyone but Kenshin, she'd have worried about illegal methods; since it was Kenshin, she worried about him getting himself hurt. He was always very quiet for a day or two afterwards -- and although the money did help, especially now, there was a limit to what Kaoru could stand.

One day she crept up behind him as he was hanging the laundry, put her arms around his waist, and hugged him -- and he flinched. Kaoru let go in shock, then grabbed his shoulder and pulled him around and all but tore his gi off him. There was a bruise the size of her palm spreading across his side, another smaller bruise on his other shoulder and forearm...

"What are you doing?" Kaoru shouted. "Kenshin, what are you doing to yourself? I don't care how much we need the money -- if you're fighting -- I..." she cut herself off before the tears won. "Kenshin..."

"It's all right," he murmured, far too gently, straightening the gi to hide his bruises again. "I know what I'm doing."

"That's what scares me!" she stormed. "Anything that leaves marks like that -- oh, God, Kenshin, don't tell me Sano showed you where the gamblers and the brawlers fight..."

"No. Nothing like that. I promise." He curved a careful hand to her cheek, the other to her waist: "You shouldn't make yourself so upset, koishii..."

"Then tell me what the hell is going on!"

Kenshin looked at her for a moment, then said, "Come sit down, and relax, and then I'll tell you. All right?"

Kaoru bit back her first three replies to that, then said tightly, "Make it good." She tried not to resent his anxious hands steadying her as she sat on the edge of the porch, and tried not to stare at his shoulder or his ribs, only his face. He sat beside her quietly.

"I'm not hurting anyone," he said first of all; Kaoru stifled a sound of frustration.

"I know that, you twit; I want to know who's hurting you!"

"Ah... gomen." Kenshin ducked his head sheepishly. "He wasn't supposed to connect."

"Who?"

"...It's a long story."

"I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you. So talk!"

"Koishii, you really should relax..."

When he'd pried her fingers loose from his throat far enough to breathe, he wheezed, "...eh ...sumimasen... can you please let go de gozaru ka...?"

Kaoru tucked her hands in her sleeves to keep them from itching toward his neck. If I keep choking him, he's gotten himself another delaying tactic, after all... "Tell me," she ordered, flat-voiced.

Kenshin sighed just because he could sigh again, looking relieved by the existence of air, then caught her glare and held up his hands hastily. "It's nothing. Really. I'm doing a favor for Saitou."

"...You're what?"

"I'm letting his squad hunt me through town. They have to try to arrest me and none of us are allowed weapons..." Kenshin smiled a little, ruefully, at the memories. "We've been doing this for a month and it was only this week that they even managed to touch me. Apparently Saitou hasn't mentioned who I am, so half of them feel guilty because I'm alone and the other half feel guilty because I'm littler than they are..."

Kaoru said incredulously, "So you're setting yourself up as a target for the whole police force?"

"Not exactly... only a dozen of them, and, after all, Saitou wants them to learn how to catch a suspect without damaging him too much for questioning! The local shopkeepers know all about it." Kenshin glanced at her sideways, and added wryly, "The woman with the stall of gourds and melons sometimes lets me 'borrow' a few to throw at them, because her little girl loves watching the chase..."

"So how did you get bruised like that?" she demanded.

"Oh, that was Saitou," Kenshin sighed. "He got tired of watching them chase me, so he came along to make sure they caught up with me somehow." He looked down at his ribs with an embarrassed expression. "I... um... forgot about him. --He'd only been watching. So when I went flying around a corner... well, I saw him thinking about kicking me into the wall, but I didn't expect him to do it. Slowed me down enough for the rest of them to get their hands on me, though..."

"I see." Kaoru pushed herself to her feet and started grimly stalking toward the gate. Suddenly, Kenshin was standing between her and the path, wide-eyed.

"Wait. No. What are you doing?"

"I'm going to see how much Saitou likes being kicked into walls, of course." It sounded perfectly reasonable to her; she rather resented Kenshin's hastily-stifled smile.

"Arigatou de gozaru, but it was my own fault for forgetting he is part of the squad..."

"He's a dirty calculating bastard and I want to mop the halls with his head." That also sounded perfectly reasonable. "--Anyway, Kenshin, you don't have to do this. I can help you wash dishes at the Akabeko, and so can Yahiko -- in fact, he ought to do that more often. So you go tell Saitou you're done."

Kenshin hesitated.

"We don't need the money that much!"

"But..." Kenshin bent his head a little, and said, "but it's fun, when I'm not getting kicked into a wall..."

Kaoru blinked. "...Excuse me. Did you just say 'fun'?"

"No blades," Kenshin murmured. "No threat of killing, no need for attacks, or for trying to hold back my attacks -- just making myself the rabbit, the fox: speed and defense. It's actually very good practice for me too. And..." now he was looking at the toes of his sandals intently... "and it is fun outwitting a dozen of Saitou's best men..."

Kaoru opened her mouth, hesitated, shut it again, thought it over, tried again, and finally gave up, pulling him close enough for a fierce-- and careful-- hug. "I love you, you twit," she murmured into his shaggy tumbled hair. "Next time you kick him into the wall first. Got it?" She felt him nod as his arms gently encircled her waist. "Good." Then she tilted her head to try to look at him sideways: "So why do you go all quiet and fierce for days afterwards?"

"...I'm not sure if I should let myself enjoy this so much. Because it's not so very far from... from the old hunts... not in results, but in letting myself use battle-pitch..."

Kaoru sighed. "Do you make yourself guilty about everything?" He blinked violet eyes at her; she sighed again. "Yes you do. Never mind. Silly question. --I'll tell you what. When's your next rabbit chase?"

"The day after tomorrow. Why?"

"Introduce me to that melon-seller. I want to watch next time." And, she thought privately, to get a chance to see what melon-covered wolf looked like; she might be too heavy now for swordplay, but there was nothing wrong with her arm or her aim...

Kenshin opened his mouth to protest -- and got a good look at her eyes, and said hastily, "Hai, hai..."

When Kenshin and Kaoru walked into the police station together, heads turned all along the hall; Kenshin was familiar by now, but a visibly pregnant young woman in an oddly-tied kimono was new and interesting. Saitou gave her a long stare; Kaoru shoved her chin up and stared back, putting a possessive arm through Kenshin's. The wolf grinned at her before saying to Kenshin, "Don't tell me she's a decoy."

"No. She wants to watch." His voice was absolutely neutral, and Kaoru looked at him oddly.

What's he doing with the guardian-warrior voice? He's the one with the bruise the size of my hand-- "I want," she corrected, "to make sure you and your louts don't hurt him again."

"Oh, fine, tanuki-girl," Saitou drawled, as half his men looked at the ceiling and the rest looked at their shoes. "Go and intimidate the lot of them some more. Did he tell you this pack of incompetents never managed to lay a hand on him by themselves? What else was I supposed to do?"

"Boss," one of them protested feebly.

"What was that, Shiro?"

"It's just..." Faced with looks from Saitou, Kaoru, and Kenshin all at once, Shiro gulped, and addressed the rest to the cracks in the floor. "...it's not fair."

"You're right," Saitou said, with grudging reappraisal. "But, honestly, I don't think it would help if there were twenty more of you."

Half the squad face-faulted. "...Boss!"

"Maa, maa..." Kenshin stepped between Saitou and his squirming men, hands held up. "They're doing their best. And I'm sneaky de gozaru..."

"You're also wearing blazing pink and white in the middle of the afternoon. If they can't spot you in that..."

"It's usually not a question of spotting de gozaru."

"Naruhodo. So they just can't catch up with a veteran half again their age, with more scars than they've seen fights..."

"I'm only thirty," Kenshin protested. "The scars I'll give you."

"Like I said, half again their age." Saitou stubbed out a cigarette in his ashtray, and murmured, "What do you want to bet me they can't even get you from this room to a holding cell?"

Three of them lunged -- and Kenshin snapped, "Stop!"

--And they did. Saitou sank his face into one palm, rubbing his temples against a headache of sheer despair: "Omaetachi no ahou..."

"Not around Kaoru-dono," Kenshin said sternly to the three blushing policemen.

"Kenshin," Kaoru protested.

"...Yare yare." Saitou took her arm, led her around his desk, sat her in his chair, patted her head in a gesture that almost got his hand bitten, and placed himself between her and the squad. "Acceptable?"

Kenshin nodded once, and moved closer to the center of the room, offering his arms to the poor policemen he'd stopped. "Thank you. --Do you want to pretend you caught me there de gozaru ka?"

They looked at each other and at him. Shiro gulped and took one of the wrists he offered, with an abashed-sounding "Please don't break my fingers, sir..."

"Daijoubu, daijoubu..." He offered the other wrist to Shiro's neighbor, who shot Shiro a glare before accepting.

Nobody moved; nobody even breathed.

"I'm not exactly going to lead myself to the cell de gozaru," Kenshin reminded them gently.

Still nobody moved. Saitou said to the ceiling, "Omaetachi no ahou...!"

"Tanaka-san," Kenshin asked, "what's wrong?"

Shiro's co-conspirator -- or co-victim -- looked utterly miserable. "Gomen, Himura-sempai..." The young man blinked, swallowed hard, and looked down at him in near despair. "I don't... I can't... --Himura-san, you're all bird bones. I'm twice your size. If I grip hard I'm scared I'll hurt you... but if I don't, I know you're going to hurt me..."

Kenshin sighed a little... and Tanaka didn't even see how he freed his hand to pat a shoulder commiseratingly. "After we're done, I'm going to find you a drink and make sure you have it inside you, and then I'm going to tell you a little about how I studied my art. For now, take my word for it: you aren't going to hurt me. And if you do, I'll congratulate you. And then I'll forgive you. --And it doesn't matter if you don't forgive me; if you don't, it'll make next week easier for you, ne?" He put his hand back where it had been; dazedly, Tanaka closed his hand around Kenshin's wrist again. Kaoru had to stifle giggles with both hands; Saitou was drumming his fingers on the desktop.

"Will you idiots arrest him already?"

Raggedly, the policemen murmured, "Yes, boss."

"Don't you want a better grip?" Kenshin asked Tanaka entirely too helpfully for the boy's peace of mind. "No, don't line up your thumbs like that de gozaru--"

"Get him!" Saitou roared, and half the force flinched toward Kenshin in reflex.

"Gomen--" Kenshin twisted free of the boys before he'd even finished the word; he ducked under Shiro's frantic clutch, swerved out of the path of Tanaka's fist -- unfortunately that landed in a neighbor's jaw -- and leapt for the ceiling to avoid being pinned by three more who crashed headlong into each other and collapsed. He spun and flattened both hands against Shiro's shoulders to give himself the leverage for a flip that carried him halfway across the room, then pushed off again by planting a sandal in someone else's chest -- which knocked two more down like flailing dominoes. But four of them had had the wit to post themselves in the doorframe, simultaneously, so there was literally no way around them. Kenshin looked at them for a split second...

Oh dear, Kaoru thought, I hope the poor boys don't end up concussed...

...because Shiro and Tanaka were still standing, and they charged Kenshin from behind, one reaching waist-height and the other higher, expecting him to jump. Instead, he dropped, spun, and swept their legs out from under them. Their own momentum carried them headlong into the four-man barricade, clearing it out quite nicely.

"Morons," Saitou muttered.

Kenshin hopped through the door, stepping carefully on someone's back rather than a sprawled neighbor's arm, and paused in the hallway to bend over and address the vaguely groaning tangle of policemen. "I'll go north this time de gozaru; there are only four blocks allowed that way. --Does anyone need a hand?"

"Go before I start wanting to kill you," Tanaka wheezed, trying to shove his way out from under a cop who'd apparently knocked himself silly on the doorframe.

"Eh...? --Oh. Right." Kenshin wandered down the hall, not particularly quickly. With a groan blended of pain, rage, and sheer frustration, Tanaka hauled himself free, staggered to his feet, and took off at a stumbling run after him.

"Go back him up, people," Saitou growled, kicking one of the groaning heaps on the floor. Gingerly -- and only vaguely walking straight lines -- the rest of the squad straggled along piecemeal.

Now that she didn't have to worry about hurting their pride, Kaoru surrendered to the laughter that had been tickling in her throat since the whole farce began. "Saitou Hajime, you are such an evil man... where did you get the idea for this?"

"From your husband," Saitou said, and lit another cigarette. "Come on. The melon seller is a couple blocks west; he'll probably lead them back that way for us."

"This was Kenshin's idea?" Kaoru echoed, following him.

"Every bit of it," Saitou said. "Training them not to hurt the civilians; training them not to rely on swords; training them in speed rather than force, and in gaining submission rather than inflicting pain. And he's the only one who could; I can't have them hunting me if I want to maintain authority, and, frankly, they're not as incompetent as he makes them look. I'm not sure if anyone but us could stay far enough ahead of them to make them work at it. --And then, of course, I simply don't have his heart. If they were hunting me, I'd turn around and fight back."

Saitou held the door for her politely, watched her walk through, and added, "I do have a budget for training these louts, and he's a lot more useful than a rack of straw dummies. And, of course, the fact that you could use the income was also a consideration. How many are you trying to feed at your little charity-house now? Five?"

"Three," Kaoru replied with what she hoped was dignity. "Yahiko's young, he only counts for half, and then there's," she gestured toward her waist vaguely, "this little one-- not even born yet."

"And then there's the rooster boy who counts for two," Saitou said, "which makes it five. --Left at the corner."

"One of these days," Kaoru said, "I'm going to win an argument with you, not just because you're humoring me."

"I'm looking forward to it. --But I'm not holding my breath."

The melon-seller, Miya, was a quiet, wistful-faced woman with a bright-eyed girl-child shyly peeking out around her kimono. When Saitou smiled down at her, she let out a frightened sound and buried her face in her mother's hip. Miya sighed, and stroked her daughter's hair.

"Sumimasen, Gorou-san. --Ayano-chan, Gorou-san is a policeman. That means he protects us. Come out and say hello."

Ayano freed one eye, blinked a long way up at him, and hid again.

"It's all right," Saitou said. "Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference between a watchdog and a wolf."

"And sometimes it's not," Kaoru muttered, kneeling to face the child on something closer to her level. "Don't worry, Ayano-chan. We won't let the wolf get you."

Ayano peeked one eye out again. "...Who're you?"

"I'm Kaoru," she said, with an encouraging smile. "I'm Himura-san's wife."

Ayano tilted her head and looked back and forth between Kaoru and Saitou with an expression of profound disbelief.

"...Oh, goodness, no. Himura-san's the one who needs your melons once in a while, for throwing at policemen like Gorou-san here..."

Ayano perked up immediately. "Foxtail!"

"Oh dear," Miya said. "I'm sorry, Kaoru-san. It's because of his hair..."

"Foxtail, hmm?" Kaoru said, grinning at Ayano. "That fits him, doesn't it." Ayano nodded so emphatically she wobbled, then took a couple of curious steps toward Kaoru, chewing on a finger. Amused, all three of them watched her stare, obviously working out some elaborate concept in her head.

Ayano mumbled around her finger in a tone of sudden comprehension, "You swallowed the melon seeds, didn't you."

"Oh dear," Miya said, pink-cheeked. "Ayano, stop that!"

Laughing, Kaoru said, "Daijoubu, daijoubu... no, Ayano-chan, it's got nothing to do with melon seeds. I'm going to have a baby, like you, only smaller."

Ayano considered this with vast sober gravity, then asked, "Who sells baby seeds? And wouldn't it be easier to plant them instead of eating them?"

Saitou chuckled. "Lucky Foxtail..." Kaoru turned sideways and did her level best to break his kneecap; he shifted out of the way, grinning. "Isn't that right, Ayano-chan?"

"Yeah," she said, not understanding a bit of it but agreeable. "Where do you find them anyway?"

Feeling her face burn, Kaoru said, "You've seen all the flowers by the river, right? Nobody sells seeds for them; they just plant themselves... so... um... Foxtail and I went looking by the river. Because I like flowers. Okay?"

Mercifully, Ayano nodded, and said with affectionate condescension, "Just plant them next time, Kaoru-san. That's what the ground's there for, to grow things in." Poor Miya was utterly scandalized; Kaoru suspected the woman was trying to convince herself that Gorou-san the nice policeman couldn't possibly have meant...

Saitou stubbed out his cigarette, flicked it into the street, and called, "Shiro-kun, you can come out now." Kaoru stood up hastily; from behind the edge of the stall, a brightly blushing Shiro stepped into view.

"Boss..." he said in a strangled voice.

"Next time don't follow so close," Saitou advised. "Just eavesdrop on us. I told her where we were going; you could have stood somewhere less noticeable..."

"Boss... you..." Shiro looked back and forth between the three of them, then dropped his gaze to his shoes and bowed stiffly, painfully. "Kaoru-san -- my apologies for his insupportable behavior. If you need someone to challenge him for you..."

"I'd like to see you try," Saitou said, and tossed a coin to Miya, then picked out a melon and cut it in quarters. "Here. We might as well kill some time; Tanaka-kun's likely the only one anywhere near him, and Himura-no-ahou's such an honorable moron that he'll lead Tanaka-kun back to the rest of them before he hauls them all past here for the dog and pony show..." He handed pieces of the melon to Miya and Kaoru and held another quarter out to Shiro... who wouldn't accept it, hands fisted at his sides.

"Boss... I know you're better than me. That doesn't change anything. You can't just go around humiliating people who are weaker than you are..."

"My, my, sounds like Foxtail's been rubbing off on you. Why not?"

Shiro swallowed, looked at Kaoru, and swung a fist at Saitou's face. Saitou blocked with an elbow, because he still had a melon quarter in each hand; then he kicked the boy's feet out from under him and planted a foot on his chest.

"Hey!" Ayano flung herself at Saitou in miniature outrage, pounding little fists on his thigh. "Mama says no fighting! You be nice to him!" Saitou didn't blink. Miya was slower than she should have been in crossing to pull Ayano away.

"Gomen nasai, Gorou-san..."

"She's not bothering me," Saitou said dryly, and handed a quarter down to Ayano, who glared at it, then at him, then looked at Shiro, then turned her back on him fiercely. "Oh my, I'm in trouble now," Saitou murmured, and took a bite of his own piece. "...Nice," he said appreciatively to Miya, then looked down at Shiro. "Sure you don't want yours?"

"No, but I do," Kaoru said, taking the unclaimed piece out of his hand. Saitou grinned and took another bite of his...

...and Kaoru shoved his hand up his face, almost taking his nose off in the process. "That's for Kenshin," she said. "This one's for me--" and she clamped the other piece on the top of his head, then wrung it into his skull, dripping pulp and juice down his head and onto his shoulders.

"Oh dear," Miya whispered.

Silently, Saitou dragged a hand over his head to extract the rind and pulp, then brushed off his shoulders, then ran the other hand down his face. He was shaking.

"Oh dear," Kaoru echoed, looking around, then noticing the piece she'd put down earlier. She wavered a moment, then picked it up, held it out stiffly, and shut her eyes tight. "Sa-- I mean... Gorou-san... since you really shouldn't knock me down right now... here."

"Boss," Shiro protested from the ground.

Saitou dropped his head back and laughed. Kaoru tried not to flinch, resolutely offering the last weapon available in her little war. He scrubbed the sticky back of a hand across his cheeks, took the last piece from her -- she braced herself -- and then he pulled out a knife... and cut it in thirds. "Spoils of battle and all that," he chuckled, dropping one to Shiro -- who caught it reflexively -- then handing one to Ayano, who looked at Shiro and her mother before accepting, then holding the third up for Kaoru.

Resignedly, eyes shut, she bent her head slightly to take a bite. And he didn't rub it in her face. She blinked up at him in suspicious confusion: "...why not?"

"I deserved it. --Go on."

Kaoru bit back a sigh of relief or annoyance, and finished her piece neatly. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it," he murmured... and caught the back of her kimono with one finger, then dropped the rind down it.

Silently, Kaoru counted to ten. Then again. Then she threw herself at his throat, arms windmilling: "You son of a--"

--Miya held her back somehow. From the vantage point of a more rational mood, Kaoru suspected, she might even appreciate it someday.

"You didn't honestly expect me to let you win, did you?" Saitou asked. "Ahou."

"Boss," Shiro said miserably, "will you let me get up so I can dust myself off before Himura-san kicks me around for a while?"

"Yare yare..." Saitou picked up his foot. Shiro sighed, rolled out from under his foot, picked himself up, brushed himself off, and trudged toward the corner of the stall again.

"One of these days," Kaoru said, panting. "One of these days... Gorou-san... I'm going to get you."

"One of these days Shiro's going to realize I gave him the perfect opening to knock my other knee out from under me, too," Saitou said. "Hopefully it'll be before I retire."

Kaoru carefully didn't point out that Shiro had been able to hear their conversation clearly before; either Saitou was casually doing the boy a favor or he just didn't care.

"They ought to be coming soon," Miya murmured, and pulled a box of old and bruised melons out from under the display. She neatly halved and cleaned a few, smiling. Her smile wasn't exactly what Kaoru expected from a melon seller -- the last time she'd seen it, in fact, was on Kenshin... just before he'd knocked someone into the ceiling. From the sidelong glances Miya kept shooting towards Saitou's neck just before the cleaver came down, it wasn't difficult to guess the general thread of her thoughts. Saitou seemed to have a real gift for infuriating people...

Somewhere, faintly stuttering, a police whistle sounded.

"That would be the circus," Saitou said, leaning on the inside corner of the stall. "Shiro-kun, are you ready?"

Kaoru heard the poor boy sigh. "Yes, boss."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

--thwock--

Miya scraped the seeds out of the melon with a real vengeance.

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Author's notes:

Sorry about the abrupt cutoff but I've still got to translate the anime choreography in my head into actual words here...

Thank you to Tae-san for the title (from "Only You" by Pat Benatar)

Thank you to Tae-san, Raya-san, and everyone who read it and told me "you know, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

Thank you to Ardith-san for kindly taking time out of her busy study schedule to correct my Japanese for me; any mistakes remaining are entirely my fault, as is the glossary thing at the end. Warning: I've been "studying" Japanese through osmosis (aka 5 hours every Saturday at the UIUC anime club), so my interpretations may be out of sync with reality.

Glossary:

Naruhodo: Indeed / I see / it's all clear now

--------------------

Kenshin Comic Operetta Extra

[The mental soundtrack is skipping; it's been 10 years since I was one of Mabel's sisters in Pirates of Penzance and I don't have the score. So please bear with me...]

[Scene opens on pregnant Kaoru sitting demurely on the edge of Saitou's desk in an empire-waisted Victorian gown, Saitou standing next to her looking dashing in frock coat and trousers (and the gloves), and Kenshin also perched on the desk, sitting on his heels next to Kaoru -- looking extremely sheepish in a pirate costume (the bandanna keeps slipping down over one eye). The cops are standing around, hats in hands.]

Kenshin (shoving the bandanna up again): Ano... Saitou-san, Kaoru-dono... why me de gozaru ka?

Saitou: You've got the scars and a sword. Very piratical, that.

Kaoru: Shush, both of you. You're only supposed to sing.

Kenshin (under his breath): Yare yare...

[Saitou, the apparent director, cues the orchestral overture]

Kaoru (as Mabel): Go, ye heroes; go to glory! Though ye die in combat gory, ye shall live in song and story; go to immortality! Go to death and go to slaughter -- die and every Cornish daughter with her tears your grave shall water! Go, ye heroes, go and die!

[Megumi, Tae, Tsubame, Ayame-chan, and Suzume-chan pop up from behind Saitou's desk dressed as Mabel's sisters:] Go, ye heroes, go and die; go, ye heroes, go and die...

Kenshin (startled into speaking): Am I supposed to do that to them de gozaru ka?

Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan: Ken-nii! HUSH!

Tanaka [as an entirely too wistful-looking chief policeman]: I detect too great a stress of the risks which on us press, and of reference a lack to our chance of coming back. Still, perhaps it would be wise not to carp or criticize; for it's very evident these attentions are well-meant.

Shiro: Yes, it's very evident...

Tanaka: ...these attentions are well-meant.

(the rest of the squad singing woeful backup): evident... yes, well meant... evident... ah, yes, well meant...

Kaoru (determined now): Go, ye heroes... [Kaoru jumps down from the desk, hauls Tanaka's sword out of its sheath, and goes marching through the horde, singing her (ahem) "encouragement" to the petrified policemen who look more afraid of her and Tanaka's sword than of one very anxious little red-haired pirate crouching on the edge of Saitou's desk. They sing along when prompted -- generally when poked with the sword...]

Saitou (as an excruciatingly sardonic Major-General): Yes, but they don't go!

Kaoru and the girls: Yes, forward on the foe! Yes, forward on the foe...

(two beats' pause)

Kaoru and the girls (trying to lead by example): They go, they go! Yes, forward on the foe...

The policemen (warily): We go, we go... at last we go, at last we go, at last we really go...

(but they're all marching in random directions, none of which actually seem to lead toward Kenshin.)

Kaoru (to Saitou, in diva-style outrage): I'm the soprano here, in case you hadn't noticed! This is not in my contract! Do I have to do everything myself? --Oh, never mind...

[During the orchestral interlude, Kaoru grabs two of them by the elbows, starts them marching in a line, and goes around collecting the rest to thread into the chain. Saitou marches along where she puts him, in the middle of the line, wearing the wolf's sarcastic grin. When everyone's finally moving in the same line -- even if Tanaka is leading them on random tangents around the room -- Kaoru marches back up to the head of the line and grabs Tanaka's elbow, shoving his sword back into his hand.]

Kaoru: Yes, forward on the foe! Yes, forward on the foe -- (looking around for Kenshin)

The policemen: We go, we go -- at last we go, at last we go, at last we really really really...

(No luck finding Kenshin... until Kaoru notices there's a light-voiced tenor in with the baritones...)

(While she was busily shoving all available bodies into the line, she'd thrown Kenshin in too... so there's one brightly-dressed and forlorn little pirate dutifully marching with all the tall sober cops in black, singing along...)

Policemen and Kenshin: ...really really really really go...!

(Kaoru reaches over and grabs Kenshin by the ponytail, hauls him out of the line, hits him on the head with her parasol, and stations him in the middle of the room again.)

Kenshin (wincing and patting his hair to make sure his scalp's still attached): ...ow ow ow ow ow...!

Kaoru (not caring if she's speaking over the orchestra): Now stay there! They're going to fight you, you're the pirates!

Kenshin (noticing the plural): All the pirates de gozaru ka?

Kaoru: Yes!

Kenshin (wide, pathetic violet eyes): Just me?

Kaoru: Yes!

Kenshin: Orooo...

(Tanaka looks about as miserable as Kenshin looks, "marching" toward him about a footlength at a time. Tanaka finally ends up nose-to-nose with Kenshin... or, rather, Kenshin's nose is imbedded somewhere around the third button on his uniform. The line slowly grinds to a halt, with much stepping on heels in the process. Tanaka and Kenshin look at each other.)

Kaoru: WELL?

(Tanaka and Kenshin offer each other sickly grins.)

(Kaoru grabs Saitou's sword and stalks over and drags Kenshin back a yard with a grip on the collar of his shirt, then hits Tanaka across the back of the head with the flat of the sword. He staggers forward, flailing for balance... with the sword still in his hand from the marching drill...)

Tanaka (wail of terror more than a battle cry): AIEEEEE---

Kenshin (drawing in sheer self-defense, panic-stricken): OROROOO--

[closing curtain... if y'all in the audience want to see what happens next, watch Gilbert and Sullivan. Or you can write it yourself, hint hint grin...]

Next time:
Verbal acrobatics! (i.e. Risu-chan tries desperately to figure out what words to use for events that could only happen in a Keystone Cops sketch from a world based on anime physics...)
...o-tanoshimi!