All That Matters
(Chapter 3)
by Risu-chan
(dlstrong@prairienet.org)
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Disclaimer:
All hail Watsuki Nobuhiro-sama, creator of the RK universe! All hail Sony and Shueisha for distributing them for us! And --(grovelling lawyerwards)-- please don't hurt me for borrowing them for a few pages! Arigatou gozaimasu.
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Many thanks owed:
For Tae and Sae and the members of the Why Tomoe Sucks Club and Tatsuko and Naga and Deb Mercurio and Kim and everybody who wrote and said "keep writing ya baka!" (only much more nicely than that!) -- for the delay, gomen nasai, minna; I never seem to get organized; if I was organized I'd be dangerous. As it is I'm just very very naughty. Please don't hate me for the ending here...
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Chapter 5

"There's not enough room in this world for my pain--
signals cross, and love gets lost, and time passed makes it plain:
of all my demon spirits, I need you the most.
I'm in love with your ghost.
...And I feel it like a sickness: how this love is killing me
but I'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity -- I've never been this close.
In love with your ghost..."
     --Indigo Girls, "Ghost"

The next week, as he closed the gate behind Kaoru on their way into town, Kenshin had to struggle to offer her a good imitation of his usual smile.

Damn Saitou. Damn him--

There had been witnesses to the word 'hitokiri'. There had been too many witnesses. And Tanaka was simply the only witness who had followed him to ask; Tanaka didn't concern him in the least. The ones that concerned him were the rest -- the ones who looked at a slight man with red hair and crossed scars and knew which name to put with 'hitokiri', and then turned away. Perhaps to speak to others.

Perhaps some of it was nerves -- or anger -- but for the past two or three days, he'd felt the brush of passing shadows in a way he hadn't felt them for years...

Too much. Too much, and too silent; Kaoru had noticed, and she turned to him with a vertical worry-line between her crooked brows.

"Are you all right?"

"Aa."

She tilted her head to one side like a pretty little bird, one hand on her hip, the other propped in the hollow of her back. "Are you sure?"

Always, that hand in the hollow of her back, to balance the aching weight that continued its relentless, tender increase; she was growing so heavy now, so sweetly and so vulnerably full. He bit back a flash of sheer blood-red rage--

--damn him to hell--

--and he smiled for her again, reaching to brush the stray tendril of hair back behind her ear. "As long as you're safe and well," he said, in perfect honesty, "then I'm fine. But, koishii, are you sure you wouldn't prefer to stay here and rest?"

She glowered at him. "I am not that fragile."

Oh, beloved. Yes, you are, and you're too young to know it. But if it will make you happy-- "Hai, hai."

Still, as they walked, he put an arm around her waist and shortened his stride to match hers. He glanced at her sideways; her cheeks were pink from more than the wind's nipping. She struggled with herself for a moment, but he could hear the thought as clearly as if she'd spoken it aloud: everybody will see...

"Let them see," he murmured, and she gave him a startled look. He hid his own thoughts behind the smile: I cannot hide you now. They all saw you standing there when he threw it into the street like a bone for starving dogs. So, since I cannot hide you, let them see me-- let them see us -- and remember who I am.

--Who I was. Who I was. I am not... --never again...

She smiled back at him, and slipped her arm about his waist in return. "Mm. And you're mine, too. Just in case Miya-san has any ideas."

Startled, he laughed aloud at the thought. "Kaoru--" He stopped himself. If that was what she thought, so much the better; less for her to fear...

Kaoru said quite indignantly, "What? If I was her, I'd probably have ideas too. --And you hadn't told her you were married, had you? It's a good thing I came..." She felt his involuntary wince, looked at him oddly, and then pulled her arm back to elbow him sharply in the ribs. "Don't tell me you were counting on the fact that she didn't know you were married!"

That was about as unexpected as a board to the back of the head. "...oro?!"

"Don't you 'oro' me, mister!" She elbowed him again. "I don't care if all you were doing is charming some 'weapons' out of her to lob at the trainees; she's got eyes just as good as mine, and Ayano-chan is going to need a daddy person. And you're so good at that anyway-- and--" she elbowed him again; he was beginning ruefully to reconsider the arm about her waist. "And she's got her figure back too. And I..." Her voice caught; she continued determinedly as though nothing had happened-- "all right, so I don't have my figure back, but I will. So-- so I won't look like this forever--"

He stopped her in the middle of the road, and put his arms around her, and tightened his embrace until her distended abdomen pressed so firmly against him that her breathing grew shallower. She stared at him with enormous, almost frightened eyes.

"I... Kenshin, I..."

Not quite breathless enough. He bent his head slightly and stilled the rest of her protests with a lingering kiss. Her heart beat fiercely against him; when it slowed from the initial rush into something resembling relaxation, or, perhaps, bliss, he let her go. "Haven't I mentioned," he murmured, "how much I love you like this?"

She stared at him like a startled doe, motionless and trembling all over.

Yare yare. Maybe a little too breathless now. "Sumanai," he said, eyes lowered, and she shook her head fiercely.

"No. No! I mean, yes-- I mean... I was being silly. I mean, thank you. --Mou..."

He waited for her to stutter to a stop, then asked helpfully, "Better?"

She nodded, pink-cheeked again, one hand creeping to her side despite herself. The picture she made broke his heart.

Damn him anyway--

"Shall we go then?" he asked, bright-voiced.

Kaoru giggled and nodded, playing with the lock of hair he'd tucked back earlier; this time she tried to lengthen her stride for him, and her arm crept around his waist and stayed there.

Looking at the ground, she said in a little-girl voice, "I don't care. If I was her... I'd definitely have had ideas."

Oh, koishii. You're so innocent, and so, so kind; I don't deserve your kindness...

Kaoru looked briefly surprised when she felt his hand settle against the hollow of her back, to warm the stressed muscles there; she bit her lip for a moment, walking next to him in silence, then reached back and coaxed his hand around to her side, gently settling his palm against the fullness where her waist had been and lacing her fingers between his. "...Feel that?"

He nodded a little; he couldn't have spoken even if he'd had any words to offer. But when she grew uncomfortable despite her intentions of long steps to match his, she didn't even notice that he matched her hesitations exactly. There were some advantages to training...

Suddenly, she stopped motionless, eyes wide.

"Kaoru--"

She breathed again, and with the breath came a small and sheepish laugh. "Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. Just got kicked in the lungs-- that hurts. He's as strong as you are."

No, she's just growing so big within you, love. And I can't protect you from all of the hurts... I can't even protect you from his damned thoughtless-- He shut his eyes fiercely, his free hand fisted at his side, fighting off blood-rage with the ends of his control. He sensed more than heard her concern when she spoke to him faintly-- asking if he was all right--

Damn him for calling my shadows to her. Damn him to hell-- to my hell--

"Aa. I'm fine."

Unconvinced, she pressed her wrist to his forehead, then his cheek. "You're cold. Maybe I should go tell Tanaka-kun you're--"

"No." He looked at her then, to make sure he hadn't hurt her with his abruptness, and added more gently, "No. I'm fine. I'm sorry. I'm just... jumping at shadows today."

He had to consciously restrain himself from lengthening his stride as she walked beside him-- lengthening his stride and carrying her the rest of the way. Instead, he paced beside her, and fretted over her sweet awkward gait, slightly unbalanced by the sudden increase of her girth as her third season progressed.

She's gaining more quickly than she did in her first seasons; the baby's bigger now, and the same growth would have a greater effect on her. She can't adjust to the changes in her weight and her girth as quickly as she grows... and she tires so easily; if I carried her... If I carried her we could go more quickly. We should go more quickly. I can feel...

...it's only fear. But it feels... it still feels like...

He told himself that the only ghosts he felt were the ghosts of his own making. He tried -- he really tried -- to listen to Kaoru's almost-frantic chatter about Tae's redecorating at the Akabeko, her latest letter from Misao, all the letters she needed to write, Sano's friend's latest newsletter and the lovely illustrations, a letter from Yutarou in Germany, wondering where Soujirou had gone, the frost-patterns on the pond as it gradually froze...

...please, love, I'm not going to hurry you but... we have to go more quickly...

Finally, he stopped pretending to listen; he let the sound of her voice wash over him, straining his other senses to 'hear'... a touch, a shadow, a spark, an echo... something reflected... something waiting... there...

...eyes.

Eyes, watching. Cold eyes.

I'll see you in hell, Saitou Hajime, even if I can't send you there myself.

Instead of heading toward the police station, he took the street which led to the Akabeko; Kaoru looked at him in puzzlement when he stopped there.

"Will you do me a favor?" he asked, keeping his voice light through sheer force. "We've still got time; stay here with Tae-dono for a few minutes. There's something I haven't taken care of."

"Kenshin--"

"Please?" Carefully, guiltily, he added, "Here you can sit and rest; you'll be standing with Miya-dono for a while..."

The shadows cleared from the endless blue of her eyes; smiling indulgently, she patted her middle. "We'll be right here, 'touchan, on the shelf right next to the china and the rest of the breakables."

"Thank you."

"We're going to have to talk about this later, you know."

Not if I can help it. "Hai, hai."

It wasn't a lie, he thought. Obviously, he'd neglected something important: he'd neglected to see to it that enough people remembered not only what the Battousai was, but also why... and how. Because if enough people had remembered the legends about the taste of Heaven's vengeance- swift, sharp, and lethal as lightning-- then he wouldn't have had to deal with fools like this.

He walked back up the street the way he had come, to give the shadow not even the slightest excuse to walk past the Akabeko and Kaoru; he paused in the road to kneel and smile down at two children playing with their puppy. The puppy licked at his hand eagerly, unable to taste the faded memory of blood.

They had a stick; the puppy seemed eager to tug and chew on it; so Kenshin offered a new game with a smile-- and threw the stick up the road toward the Akabeko, to get them away from his shadows. The puppy, new to this game, didn't know to bring the stick back; he settled down in front of Kaoru and Tsubame and gnawed on the end of it, tail wagging enthusiastically. The little boy groaned; the little girl giggled; they made straggling reflexive bows toward him as they ran up the street toward the puppy.

Time enough for even the blindest fool of a hunter to have seen me here at the mouth of this alley... so... in about a minute...

He turned into the alley and walked down it without a moment's hesitation, without even pausing to look back, so that the echo of his sandals against the dirt would be perfectly regular. Clumsy oblivious silly little me. Just the harmless little rurouni on some forgotten errand, didn't even think to bring the sakabatou, perfect stupid prey...

--there.

Kenshin didn't even question the instinct that said pursuit. By the time he realized he hadn't actually heard the man, he was already midair, focused entirely on the sword at the man's side--

--arrogant fool, not even to carry it drawn when stalking a master of battou-jutsu -- more than likely he won't even know what hits him; just have to remember to flip the sword when I take it from him--

--GONE! WHERE?--

Kenshin hit the ground and rolled, so that his eyes would snap through the entire hundred and eighty degrees of the alley in less than a second; there was no other attack angle available--

--there; further in?--

--waiting?! Why?--

Kenshin blinked, and dragged a hand across his eyes sharply.

Aoshi?!

Arms crossed, the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu said coolly, "Why, yes, Himura-san, it's pleasant to see you too. Thank you, I'm fine..."

"WHY?"

Aoshi actually blinked, and looked at him more closely. "What do you mean?"

Kenshin snarled at him, hands flexed into claws. "Damn it, Aoshi, why now? Why...?"

The man almost looked... shaken. "Stop," he said, one hand up flat; with the other, slowly, he drew each sword and laid it in the street, and took a step past them to put himself with empty hands between Kenshin and the blades. "Stop," he repeated, very, very carefully. "We need to talk."

"Yes," Kenshin agreed, through clenched teeth. "We need, very much, to talk."

Aoshi was still staring at him. He said in a perfectly neutral voice, "Himura, I'm not here to challenge you."

Kenshin felt himself sway on his feet, and leaned against the alley wall abruptly. "Then why are you here? Why are you following Kaoru-dono?"

"Did you think...? --you did think I would...?" Aoshi stopped, closed his eyes for a moment, and said, "I have deserved that in the past, I think, but not now. Himura-- what was between us was between us. And even at my worst... if I had brought her into it, she was never a threat to me; I would never have hurt her. Least of all in such a condition. I swear that to you."

Quietly, helplessly, Kenshin repeated, "Why are you here?"

"To guard." He looked down at the blades in the street. "To protect. Nothing more; nothing less..."

"Will you please start at the beginning?"

"It begins with your name." Aoshi looked down at him. "You know that, Himura. It always begins with your name. Like a stone into a still pond -- the ripples spread, and intersect, and form patterns. And I am the okashira; I collect the patterns to learn where the stone fell. In this case, it was fairly simple."

"Saitou," Kenshin said, eyes shut tight. "Damn him. But if that was all you needed to know--"

"The stone is nothing," Aoshi said. "The stone was cast, and is gone. But I must stand where the stone fell in order to see the pattern it reflects."

Rubbing his temples against a tension-headache, Kenshin murmured, "Thank you, Buddha; now would you mind translating into the speech of ordinary mortals for this unworthy one?"

"It relieves me to hear you say that."

"Aoshi, I'm tired of the dance already--"

"Do you know," he asked softly, "what I saw in your eyes just now?"

Kenshin closed them again. "...I'm sorry."

"That's why I'm here."

After a stymied moment, Kenshin asked plaintively, "What?"

Aoshi sighed, and released the ties on a saya to draw arcs in the dust with the tip of it. "Tokyo, now; Kyoto, then; Kyoto, now. Your name, and your life, and the lives you touch... to end, and to begin. When Saitou casting a single word into the waters creates a ripple that I feel in Kyoto-- and when what Kaoru carries is visible now to all the world... two pebbles, too close. The patterns intersect unpleasantly."

"Shinomori, have you ever in your life given a straight answer to a question?"

"She unbalances you." Aoshi met his eyes calmly. "Before, it was anger that left you prey to Saitou and his baiting of that which sleeps in you. Now it is fear... and now it is not sleeping. Even without a sword in your hands, or possibly because of that-- your eyes..." He stopped, and shook his head. "Himura, you cannot allow yourself to be this far out of balance."

"I know," Kenshin snarled. "I know-- but what else can I do?"

"Nothing. There's nothing else you can do when you're like this. But..." he looked down at his empty hands for a moment, then said simply, "But I can."

Kenshin stared up at him. "'To guard. To protect.' To protect her?" He pushed away the anger which said I will protect her myself; no one else--

"To protect her," Aoshi agreed, "and to protect you from what you would become... and the world from you, if I must. Yes."

Kenshin narrowed his eyes. "Exactly what was the ripple which touched you in Kyoto?"

Aoshi looked at him.

"Aoshi--"

"You cannot and will not know. It is my business, and my duty. Yours is to regain your balance. When you've done that, ask me again."

After a moment's struggle, Kenshin asked, with an attempt at a smile, "Is Misao-dono here also?"

Aoshi very nearly rolled his eyes; only a flicker, but, from him, it spoke volumes. "To be effective in this, I need to work quietly. Subtly. Without being noticed... and before you ask, no, I never expected that you wouldn't notice me. I followed you here because I thought you recognized me and wanted to talk." Kenshin bent his head, rocked again by the reminder of how far out of proportion his reactions had become. "But the others," Aoshi added, "for instance, Saitou and his squadron..."

"I see what you mean," he said tiredly. "Misao-dono is... vivid."

"That's one word for it, yes. But I do prefer her... vividness... to the wolf's frigid calculation."

Kenshin blinked, and all the world sharpened into one cold burning focus.

"He used her as BAIT?"

"It was... too conveniently careless of him, don't you think? To 'forget' himself while she stood there, when he had never 'forgotten' when you were alone -- that's the other reason I'm here." Aoshi's eyes were as cold as the steel of his blades in the street. "I don't care what was between you. There are boundaries, and he has far overstepped them. And I will remind of him of that; you are not to face him. Here, he holds the law, and you are alone; in Kyoto, I have the Oniwabanshuu, and if he cares to challenge me... our business is knowledge; we will know what to do and how to do it. Leave this to me."

Kenshin said nothing.

Aoshi sharpened his voice. "Himura, swear it to me. You will not confront him."

"He's using her as bait!"

"And will you destroy her life for that?" Aoshi took a step forward, more unforgiving than the winter around him. "If you challenge him and win, she loses. Because you will kill him before he surrenders, and he is of the law; even that kind-hearted minister you knew will not be able to shield you and overlook your sword then. If you challenge him and lose, she loses everything; you can't protect her when you're dead. Now. Swear to me."

Head bent, hands clenched at his sides, Kenshin grated, "I will not confront him. For her sake. But he will pay..."

"He will." Aoshi straightened his coat against the bite of the wind, and added darkly, "I do not appreciate this at all. I do not appreciate that his little snare has dragged me across Japan and I do not appreciate that he holds the law in one hand and your lady's life in the other, and I do not appreciate that he seems to hope to unbalance you and set your private madness loose on an unprotected world, simply to entertain his fantasies of resolving a fight that ended years ago. He owes penance for her sake, and yours, and then for mine... and you are not going to know when, or what, or how, because then you can swear your innocence in a court of his law."

Kenshin found himself smiling. He suspected it was not at all a pleasant smile. "Thank you."

Aoshi inclined his head slightly, a bare glimmer of humor in his eyes. "When I say 'don't mention it...'"

"...you mean it, yes. Thank you anyway."

Aoshi knelt in the street to reclaim his blades, and added as an afterthought, half to himself, "There are still debts owed between us. --I envy you, you know."

Kenshin didn't even breathe, now sharply wary again. The last time Aoshi had envied what was his...

The okashira slid the blades home in their sheaths, barely even looking, and murmured, "No. Not what you were, and not what you have; I envy what you are. You give your entire heart so freely, and so purely... I'm not surprised that she returned your gift."

Kenshin struggled with himself, then said, "It's not my place to say this but there's no one else to say it-- Aoshi, someone has already made you such a gift..."

Aoshi shrugged a little, self-disparaging as much as anything. "I... can't. She's still a child."

"She won't be a child forever."

"...I know." Aoshi brushed past him, heading back toward the street. Kenshin followed more slowly, as much to give him time to regain his composure as to offer him the choice of whether they should be seen near each other. At the mouth of the alley, the okashira glanced each direction -- and froze, and then quickly reached across to block Kenshin's path.

"Don't."

"What is it?"

"Just... don't. Stay here. Don't even look."

"Aoshi--"

"She's fine; she's standing on the Akabeko porch, smiling. That's all you need. I'll send her to you. Stay here." He moved quickly into the street.

Kenshin gave him the space of ten strides -- the space of ten heartbeats -- and then flattened his back to the opposite alley wall and tilted his head a fraction at a time, slowly widening his angle of vision of that part of the street. The children with their puppy -- the commotion of the city -- Tsubame smiling up at Kaoru, who was twisting the same lock of hair about her finger. Kaoru was also smiling up at someone--

--a flash of wild pale hair; the sun caught on lenses as he bent--

The world burned white.

"ENISHI--!"

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Author's Notes:
1. Go back and re-read the song clip now.
2. Mwahahahahaaaa!!
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Next time:
ch. 6 -- dream, vision, and nightmare continued (aka Risu-chan's actually contemplating (gasp) a PLOT! With story arc and everything! O the horror!)
o-tanoshimi ni!
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