-- Aitou, soshite Kibou --
~ Grief, and Hope ~

by Serizawa Kamo


This fanfic is based on the story and characters created by Watsuki Nobuhiro. Hail him! ^_^

Standard disclaimers apply.

As always, C&C's highly appreciated! Please! ^_^

In the bottom, there's a list of the Japanese words I've used, if any.

There may be some Revenge Arc spoilers in this story.


Part 1 – Zou-o, Kyoufu soshite Shi – Genkai ("Hate, Fear and Death - Limit")



"All hope abandon, ye who enter in !"
 ( Dante Alighieri, Inferno Canto 3 )

Early summer, 1865. The sky was dark with clouds, and already a thin rain was falling quietly, cooling the hot, damp air. In the eerie twilight, a lonely young man, wearing a dark blue jinbaori on a white haori and a black machidaka hakama, cast his faint long shadows in the streets, long bangs of hair covering his beautiful but sad face. His head was bowed down and his deep brown eyes were still, staring at the crimson pool that tinged his feet. His katana, still drawn, showed clearly his most recent deed. His most recent murder.
How had the fight begun? Even Shigeaki couldn't remember well. Walking down the narrow streets of Kyoto, a discussion with a drunken? man, just the man and me was it? , swords drawing, hate in the man's eye, tension, a flash, flesh and bone crushing with the blow, an agonizing cry, fear, death. Hate, fear and death. And now, gruesomely laying on his feet was the body of Umedo Katsunoshin.
Hate.
A four-letter word. A foul letter word. Fiendish emotion it is. A raging fire that consumes even the utmost depths of your soul, burning and turning into ashes all the goodness that once was in you.
Fear.
Another four-letter word.It empties your heart, filling it with the coldest ice ever known to men, frosting even the innermost feelings you might have nurtured and trapping in an iceberg all the human side that once you used to have.
And death.
The place or the moment when Hate and Fear mingle with each other. Where the ashes from the flames of Hate congeal and shatter by the chill of Fear in a macabre combination, leaving behind nothing but a hollow corpse writhing in pain. Sometimes the corpse lives, sometimes not.
Hate, fear and death to Umedo Katsunoshin. The corpse lives not.
Hate, fear and death to Yurimoto Shigeaki. The corpse lives.
Yurimoto started giggling nervously, then burst out in an uncontrollable hideous laughter.
He retched.

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A cry echoed through the house.
"I'm begging you, please let me out of this movement!"
Yurimoto stroke the ground with his forehead. The sour taste of the vomit still lingered in his mouth and hampered his words of despair, but, nevertheless, Yurimoto fought bravely to articulate his words, for this was a once in a lifetime chance. In front of him was the most powerful person of Choushuu, yet the most sought after person in entire Japan, the only one who could grant him his wish. His name was Katsura Kogorou.
They were in the second floor of Hasu no Ike Inn, a small lodge at the outskirsts of Kyoto, near the mountains in the north. Katsura had changed his name to Kido Takayoshi to avoid calling attention upon him, as he was now coordinating the Sonnou Joui movement in Kyoto. He was quite aware of the dangers such task implied, and he had accepted it. Now he faced one of the many problems that would arise in his struggle for the deposition of the Shogun: the problem named Yurimoto Shigeaki.
Katsura closed his eyes and kept silence for a moment, meditating on the issue. Yurimoto was still kneeled down, not daring to lift his face to look at Katsura. After a while, Katsura shook his head disapprovingly.
"I'm sorry, Yurimoto-kun, but we are badly in need of human resources. Now, since the Shogun Tokugawa Iemochi has been in Osaka since May, it is clear that the Bakufu sympathizers will hunt us down with renewed fierceness. On their side, morale is high and financial backup is strong. This is a chance they won't let go by for sure. Spies are lurking everywhere, from the Shinsengumi's Kansatsu, led by Yamazaki Susumu, to the Edo Castle Oniwabanshuu, commanded by the Okashira Makimachi Hayato himself, tracing every action, every person that could endanger the Bakufu. I can't afford to lose such valuable men like you in a dire moment as we are presently. I'm sorry."
Yurimoto Shigeaki slowly raised his head, facing Katsura. Large teardrops rolled down his face, as he wailed in wretchedness,
"You don't understand a thing! No, you don't understand a thing!", he yelled, suddenly drawing his katana. Katsura's aides were surprised by his action, but Kogorou stood still, listening to Yurimoto.
"Can you see those stains of blood persisting in my sword? Can you see the fat dulling the gleam of the steel? Do you know that all those come from lives of men I've taken? From-the-lives-I-have-taken." His shaky hands dropped the katana and he grinned. A lunatic and abhorrent grin that made everyone shudder. "But your sword is clean, disgustingly clean. No blood, no fat, no lives. No idea of what is the "thrill of the kill". I am here, murdering people like a butcher while you" – he pointed his trembling finger to Katsura – "you care only to hide. You betray all your people like you always do. It was like that in the Ikeda Inn Affair. It was like that in the Kinmon no Hen. You made me walk the dark path of the assassin while you trailed the merry path of a fugitive. Truly you deserve to be called "Nige no Kogorou", the "Fleeing Kogorou". You make people dirty their hands to keep yours clean!", he chuckled, his voice full of vile sarcasm and nervousness.
This was enough to the Choushuu aides. Irated, they rose up, shouting obscenities against Yurimoto.
"Watch your mouth, young swordsman!", warned Kojima, one of Katsura's aides. "How dare you to speak like that of our leader? Are you asking to die?!"
"Die? Yeah, that's good, fine, go on and kill me! Come on, kill me!", replied Yurimoto, seething with exasperation, as he also stood on his feet. "I can't take this anymore! Kill me now, and relieve me from the unbearable burden of death that aggrieve my soul! Passionate anger burns in my heart and my speech reflects the bitterness that torments my mind! Ashes were the matter from which I was created and I'm carried away like a small leaf by the merciless winds of life! Hate, Fear and Death are the three goddesses who govern me now!"
"You are insane!", accused Taira, another aide of Katsura.
Yurimoto roared with high-pitched laughter, his lips now twitched in a grotesque way. "And do you think I don't know that?! Bedevilled became my life when I joined this! And accursed are you also! Does Katsura not preach "madness" to face these troubled times? Now behold, for the most prepared man to live through Bakumatsu is speaking his mad words of wisdom to you! Come and follow me!"
"Enough!", said Katsura. "This is enough." The cold, commanding tone of his voice admitted no objections.
Everybody fell silent as Katsura spoke thoughtfully to Yurimoto, "Yurimoto-kun, I understand your feelings. The neverending bloodshed drives you mad, and not without reason. You kill and kill, and still you can't see even a glimpse of peace that should be approaching. I know that you kill not because of Japan, not because of Choushuu fief, not because of the Sonnou Joui philosophy. I know that you kill for the sake your family, for the future of your family." Katsura stopped and he saw Yurimoto was crying silently. "And I won't make that mistake again. I won't have people drowning themselves in blood anymore.", Katsura looked meaningfully to a small, red-haired young swordsman who had been sitting quietly in a corner of the room.
"All I ask of you is to hold on just a little more", Katsura stated. "I want you to keep fighting for your family. I want you to have hope. I'll assure your family will see the dawn of a new era that you helped building. So just a little more of patience, just that, and you will live in peace with your family.", said Katsura in consoling tones.
Yurimoto smiled faintly. "All right, so the answer is "no". What am I supposed to do now?"
"Nothing", replied Katsura. "Even if I had some work for you to do, you'd be still too shocked to do it. You can go home now and I grant you a rest of seven days to calm yourself and to think. Go in peace."
"Thank you, Katsura-sensei.", bowed Yurimoto.
Looking sideways to Yurimoto as he left, Kojima, Katsura's aide, opened his mouth in a worried way, "Katsura-sensei, I think now Yurimoto have now gone completely crazy. I don't think he'll be of any use for us anymore, because he may be strong in swordsmanship, but his heart is weak and isn't prepared to bear the burden of what fate still has to show us. I suggest killing him as soon as possible to get rid of such scum, because sooner or later the Bakufu parties will lay their hands on him and given Yurimoto's weakness, there could be leakage of precious information. We can't afford to have a weak link in our chain."
Barely had Kojima spoken such words and a drawn sword was dangerously close to his neck, freezing Kojima in terror. In a grave and threatening voice, Katsura whispered, "Have your cheeks forgotten how to blush? Mad are those who feel nothing at killing. I don't follow the path of madness, taught by my master Yoshida Shouin, to build a world whose lands are the flesh of the slain and whose rivers are the blood of the martyrs. I'll leave this world to worthy men who know the weight of one life, not to honorless men who preach wanton killing", Katsura glared fiercely to Kojima, as he sheathed his sword.
"I'm sorry, Katsura-sensei, I am only thinking about our people", complained Kojima.
"I am only thinking about our people.", answered Katsura, as he thought, "not only about our Choushuu fellows, but also about every Japanese man. To have human feelings shouldn't be a synonym for certain death."
"But if the Bakufu bastards get Yurimoto, we will certainly be in trouble.", remarked Taira.
Standing on his feet and absently staring at the streets, Katsura said, "that's also true. Yurimoto is strong, but I doubt he can manage to fight, say, a whole Shinsengumi unit. Himura-kun", said Katsura, addressing the small swordsman, "I want you to take care of Yurimoto Shigeaki. You'll never know when the Shinsen---"
Katsura stopped talking abruptly. "Himura-kun, go at once after Yurimoto. And hurry."
"Yes, sensei. I'm taking my leave then.", said Himura.
Outside, in the already dark streets of Kyoto, many globes of light were walking hurriedly. But even though it was a brief moment, Katsura saw that the lights were casting a mountain-shaped shadow.

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He tried to flee. He tried to hide. He tried to escape. But a man can't elude his fate. And certainly the Shinsengumi was the most frightful fate one can meet in the streets of Kyoto. The wary eyes of the wolf gleamed like fierce and ominous blazes, as it prowled silently in the darkness, ever stalking in its tireless pace, pitilessly baring its shiny, crimsom fangs against anyone who ever posed as a threat to the peace of Kyoto. And now, Yurimoto Shigeaki had fallen prey, being surrounded by six Shinsengumi members. Their swords, unsheathed, glittered in the starry night as ghastly claws of steel. The claws of the beast. The claws of the wolf.
"Your name is Yurimoto Shigeaki, isn't it, mister?", Nakajou Tsunehachirou, one of the Shinsengumi men, asked in a menacing way. Yurimoto returned silence as answer.
"No need to feign ignorance. We know that your name is Yurimoto Shigeaki. A Choushuu swordsman, working to Katsura Kogorou."
"If you know, why do you ask me?"
"In fact, we had only strong suspicions about that. But now we are sure.", Nakajou sneered. "Yurimoto, this afternoon you killed Umedo Katsunoshin. Happens that he was a Shinsengumi member, and we hope you're prepared to follow us, because we have some questions to ask you about his death."
Yurimoto wasn't a fool. He knew too well what would be awaiting for him if he followed them. He still kept silent.
"What happened, are you so terrified that you can't even speak, eh?", mocked Kobayashi Kichinosuke, another Shinsengumi man.
Yurimoto sighed. "I'm asking you, please leave me alone. Please." There was a poignant tone in his voice.
"No way, mate. You kill our comrade, you won't get away alive. Prepare yourself to DIE!!!", the Shinsengumi men lunged forward as one.

-- I don't want to kill --

"PLEASE, GO AWAY!!!"

-- The pungent vomit that fouled my hands --

"You won't escape!"

-- A sign of hate --

"SPARE ME!!!"

-- Hate of my deeds --

"Say your last prayers!"

-- Hate of the blood that tainted my soul --

"NO!!! GO AWAY!!!"

-- Hate of the warm blood that instills fear --

"Give it up!"

-- Fear of the evil that the blood evokes --

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!"

-- Fear of the defeat of the human to the devil --

"Resistence is futile!"

-- Fear of the sombre death that inexorably comes --

"ANYONE, PLEASE!!!!!"

-- Death that awaits now for me --

"Damn, he's strong!"

-- HATE --

"What's going on?!"

-- FEAR --

Slashes of the sword....

-- AND --

Wounds gashed ...

-- DEATH. --

Blood gushing out...

-- WELCOME --

Necks flying...

-- TO --

Bowels crawling on the floor...

-- HELL --

Lifeless bodies falling on the ground.

Licking joyfully the blood that lingered in his sword, in a demoniac manner, Yurimoto muttered to himself, "So be it. If it's needed to become a demon in order to survive, I'll gladly surrender to the path of supreme violence. And-- "
"pa-pa...", the delicate voice of Kaoru resounded in his head.

"Shhh... Kaoru, your father is now going home. Isn't that so?", sniggered Yurimoto.

"Heh. A man who abandons his own child deserves not to be called as father.", a cynical voice suddenly woke Yurimoto up from his reverie. "Locking up your human heart, hiding your own weakness, and yielding to the path of violence, in an attempt to avoid facing your true self? Don't make me laugh."
Staring coldly to the tall, slender man who uttered such words of disdain, Yurimoto jinxed , "This is a bloody night. A goddamned bloody night. Looks like you too have got swords, Shinsengumi bastard. Miboro."
"Yeah", replied Saitou Hajime, slowly unsheathing his sword. "But you don't look like the man who's going to take them."
The swords clashed.

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(end of part 1)

Translations:

Hasu no Ike = Lake of the Lotus (Hasu = lotus, Ike = lake)

Nigeru = to flee

Comments:

1) Jinbaori is a kind of jacket that the warriors used on the armor. The jacket of the Sekihoutai is a Jinbaori. Haori is the "T-shirt" ^_^ of those times. And the entire clothing was the "haori-hakama".

2) There are five tipes of hakama: Ooguchi, Machidaka, Ueno, Tatsutsuke and Andon Hakama.

3) Umedo Katsunoshin was a real Shinsengumi member, who joined when Itou Kashitarou became the "Sanbou" ("Counselor") of Shinsengumi. I found no more information about him, though, other than his fief is unknown and he never got a status higher than a ordinary member ("Hira Taishi"). The same goes for Nakajou Tsunehachirou. Kobayashi Kichinosuke was a Edo Gyofunai Dappan (fugitive of the Edo Gyofunai fief), who also joined Shinsengumi as a Hira Taishi when Itou Kashitarou became the Sanbou of Shinsengumi. All or them were real! ^_^ (took the names from the name list written by Nagakura Shinpachi, Captain of the 2ndunit of Shinsengumi)

4) The "Kido Takayoshi" stuff is almost real. Katsura Kogorou did change his name to Kido Takayoshi, but that was when the Meiji Ishin actually happened, not in the Bakumatsu. But the "Nige no Kogorou" thingie is real.

5) I took this "Passionate anger burns in my heart and my speech reflects the bitterness that torments my mind! Ashes were the matter from which I was created and I'm carried away like a small leaf by the merciless winds of life!" from the wonderful Carmina Burana.

The original (in Latin), is

"Estuans interius

Ira vehementi

In amaritudine

Loquor mee menti:

Factus de materia,

Cinis elementi,

Similis sum folio,

De quo ludunt venti."

("Estuans interius Ira vehementi" was also used in the song "One Winged Angel", from Final Fantasy VII ^_^)

6) "Miboro" is not a typo of "Miburo" ("Wolf of Mibu"). In the beginning of the Shinsengumi, when there was no money available to them, they were almost wearing rags, thus they were called not "Miburo", but "Miboro" ("Poorly dressed", in a derogative way), a (obvious) word pun.