A Rurouni Kenshin parody of Frank Capra's Arsenic
and Old Lace
"Kyaammmmmmmm!!" Kaoru's scream was muffled almost instantly by a large,
odorous hand; her body held captive in the grasp of a pair of enormous
arms. Her eyes widened at the stench, and she began to thrash wildly,
trying to get away from both the odor and the man holding her. She
jabbed with her elbows and kicked at his shins, but nothing seemed to harm
him. Holding her breath, becoming desperate for clean, sweet air,
she pried at the hand he had plastered over her mouth. His grip was
too strong for her to weaken, and biting the vile thing wasn't even an
option.
"Kamiya-san," a man's smooth, disturbingly pleasant voice interrupted
her rising panic, "how unexpected." A match sparked as he spoke, and the
light of a single candle cast eerie shadows on the face of the stranger
who'd frightened her only moments before. "He'll let you go, as long
as you promise not to scream," the stranger informed her conversationally.
She nodded as best she was able, and her captor immediately released her.
Freed so abruptly she stumbled, and let the motion propel her away from
the foul-smelling giant. She was surprised when Yahiko caught her,
bracing her while she gasped for breath.
"Who," she paused, taking another deep breath, "who are you? What
are you doing here?!"
"It's Enishi, Kaoru," Yahiko told her.
"Enishi. . ." Kaoru's voice was a mixture of confusion and alarm.
"Yes, Enishi," the dark-haired stranger confirmed. "I'm sure you
can guess why I'm here."
"Kenshin. . ." And now I've managed to become Enishi's hostage yet
again, Kaoru thought, I should've just gone home like he asked.
After a moment, though, her self-reproach turned to anger. Of course,
if he'd told me why he wanted me to go home, I would have!
Kenshin no baka! And what's Enishi doing out of jail, anyway?
He should stay there, and not go around trying to get revenge on someone
who just got married! Mou! How dare he ruin things like this?!
Enishi watched with satisfaction as the Kamiya girl realized her position,
and hung her head in remorse. He was further amused when her remorse
turned to hand-fisting, teeth-clenching anger. He was nothing short
of surprised, however, when she lashed out at him the next time he spoke.
"Kenshin indeed," he began, and got as far as "I plan to complete" before
her punch landed on his jaw. He staggered backward, the force of
the blow knocking his hair into his eyes and sending him off balance.
"What do you think you're doing, holding me hostage on my wedding day?!"
she yelled, while Yahiko, Tsubame and Tae stared at her in shock.
"Kaoru!"
"Kaoru-san . . ."
"Kaoru-chan!"
Kaoru snapped out of her anger-daze to realize she'd probably just made
a big mistake. One look at Enishi's face confirmed it. "Um
. . . I didn't . . ." she began, slowly backing away.
"Gein!" Enishi barked in a cold voice.
Too late, Kaoru realized what the odor of decay surrounding her meant,
and turned to find a grey-skinned giant standing behind her. He reached
out with one hand and lifted her up by the front of her kimono.
"S-s-stop!" Kaoru cried, raising her own hands and locking them about
the monster's wrist. She pushed, trying to loosen his grasp.
"Enishi! If you kill her, you can't use her against Kenshin!"
Yahiko yelled. Enishi merely smiled. In desperation, Yahiko
launched himself at Gein, and was deflected with a single swipe of the
other's free arm.
Gein twisted the material he held, tightening Kaoru's kimono about her
neck and cutting off her air supply. She struck out at him with her
feet, but as before, her blows were useless. Tears welled and slipped
from her eyes as she struggled. Tae and Tsubame huddled close together,
watching helplessly, with horrified eyes, as Kaoru was slowly strangled.
Yahiko lay on the floor a short distance away, dazed and winded from Gein's
blow, and similarly unable to help. Then, into a silence broken only
by Kaoru's struggling breaths and Tsubame's faint whimpers, came the strangely
loud scrape of the door opening. Startled, all eyes turned to the
Akabeko entrance. Kaoru finally pulled free as Gein's distracted
grip loosened, and she fell to the ground with an ungainly thud, frantically
drawing in air for the second time that evening.
"Tae-dono? Tsubame-dono? What are you doing sitting in the
dark?" Kenshin asked as he entered, the lantern he carried clearly illuminating
the tableau before him. "Oro? Who are all these people?"
"Kenshin!!" Kaoru called, drawing his attention to where she sat on
the floor.
"Kaoru? What are you doing here?" Handing the lantern to Enishi
- who surprised himself by taking it - Kenshin hurried to her. He
pulled her to her feet, only to stumble backwards as she threw herself
at him.
"Kenshin! I thought I was going to die! I was almost killed!"
Her voice was muffled against his chest.
"Oro?" He was momentarily puzzled, and then realization dawned.
"Tae-dono! Tsubame-dono! How could you?!"
Kaoru's head shot up at that, and she joined the two waitresses in protesting.
"Not them! It was Enishi!"
"Yes, that's right!" Tae seconded, "Yukishiro-san was going to let Gein-san
strangle her!"
"Enishi? Gein?" Puzzled, Kenshin looked around him. "Who
are you?" he asked Enishi. "And
what is that?" he continued,
staring at Gein.
"That's Gein!" Kaoru insisted, as an angry growl came from the grey-skinned
monstrosity. "And
that," she added, pointing over Kenshin's
shoulder at Enishi, "is Enishi!"
Kenshin looked at her a moment, then peered at the strange swordsman.
"Enishi? Really? It can't be . . . that doesn't look
anything like him . . . and he's in jail."
"It's ENISHI!" Tae, Kaoru and Yahiko yelled in unison.
Kenshin peered closer, noting the other's clenched fists. It wasn't
until their eyes met that he recognized him. "Enishi!" Turning, Kenshin
placed himself between Enishi and the room's other occupants. "How
did you get out of jail? What do you want?"
"The same thing I've always wanted. The completion of jinchuu."
Why me? Kenshin thought. I don't have time for
this. This was supposed to be my wedding day! I've still got
to get Tae-dono and Tsubame-dono admitted to the new asylum before Kaoru
and I leave for Yokohama. I don't have time to deal with Enishi,
too. "Enishi, tonight isn't the time for this." Kaoru's mouth
fell open in shock at Kenshin's blunt statement. "Leave now, and
I'll make sure Saitoh never finds out you were here. You can settle
things between us later." Kaoru blinked.
"How dare you!" Enishi fairly shook with rage. He took a menacing
step forward, and Kenshin shifted immediately in answer, using the sheathed
sakaba to land a warning blow on Enishi's leg. Enishi took another
step, seemingly unaware of the blow Kenshin had dealt him, and began barking
orders at Gein. "Gein! Grab Sekihara-san," he shouted, "take
her, the brat boy, and that sniveling waitress, and confine them in one
of the dining compartments. Use one in the back." Kenshin struck
him several more times as he spoke, each blow seeming to have no affect.
Kenshin peered questioningly at Enishi's leg, then at his sakaba, and then
at Kaoru. They shrugged in unison. Enishi had been through
a lot . . . that must explain it.
"Ken-san!" Tae cried as Gein moved slowly toward her and Tsubame.
Her voice and Enishi's orders registered at precisely the same moment.
Use one of the back compartments? he thought, Oh no!
The body! If Tae, Tsubame and Yahiko were confined, it would
at least mean they were safe for the time being. But if Enishi found
the body, it could lead to more trouble later. "Stop!" Kenshin told
Gein, his voice firm. The giant ignored him, scooping Tsubame up
and slinging her over his shoulder with one arm, and grabbing Tae with
his other hand. "Gein!"
Yahiko brandished his shinai as the monstrosity came towards him, but
he had little hope that it would do any good. Gein moved easily,
dragging Tae along by the wrist despite her resistance, and apparently
unhampered by Tsubame's struggles to get free. It seemed impossible
that one bamboo sword would present much of a threat. No wonder
they let me keep it, he thought bitterly. Gein didn't even bother
to block his first strike. He merely grabbed the boy by his collar
as he strode past. Dragged along by his shirt, his weapon useless,
Yahiko could do nothing but scream in frustration.
Kenshin moved to help them, but Enishi's voice stopped him. "You'd
best be worried about me, Battousai, not your companions."
"Enishi! I don't have time for this!"
"Kisama! I've waited years for my revenge, for the completion
of jinchuu - do you think I'm willing to wait any longer? We'll finish
this tonight!" Enishi's voice was fierce, determined . . . and more than
a little crazed.
Gein pulled his three protesting hostages to the back of the restaurant,
halting before the last compartment on the right. He released Yahiko
with a shove, and the boy stumbled backwards through the closed curtains
to land flat on his back on the raised floor.
"Gein! You freakish bastard!" Yahiko shouted, struggling into
a sitting position. He immediately collapsed again as Gein let Tsubame
slide from his shoulder to land on top of him. "Ow! Kuso!"
"Gomenasai, Yahiko-kun!" she exclaimed, scrambling off of him as quickly
as she could.
She helped him sit up again as Gein released Tae's wrist and gestured
for her to join them. "Move back! Get away from the opening!"
he ordered. Reluctantly, the three withdrew.
"Dammit!" Yahiko complained, eyeing Hatsuzou's slumped form, "If we
have to be locked up, does it have to be with him?!" Tae and Tsubame shushed
him, but the puppet master seemed not to have noticed the boy's comment.
One of those free standing partitions can be used to block the opening,
he thought, looking for some way to confine the three in the small
space, but it won't hold them for long. He pondered a moment,
and then smiled as an idea occurred to him. Hauling Kada's body out
of its hiding place, he tossed it into the dining compartment beside Hatsuzou,
prompting an objection from Tae and Tsubame. Ignoring them, Gein
shifted a partition to block the opening, bracing it carefully with his
contraption before clambering out to observe his handiwork. Satisfied
that they would be unable to move the partition with his puppet resting
against it, he left to rejoin Enishi at the front of the restaurant.
Enishi and Kenshin stood on opposite sides of the Akabeko entrance,
the sparse lamplight casting eerie shadows on their faces. Kenshin's
sakaba remained sheathed at his side, but Enishi had removed his sword
from its wrappings, and he swung the blade in lazy, idle circles.
"Enishi! I don't want to fight you!" I don't even want to be
here! Kenshin added silently, his gaze straying toward Kaoru,
We
were supposed to be in Yokohama by now!
Enishi noted Kenshin's distraction, and it only angered him further.
"I know you were married today, Battousai," he snapped out, immediately
recapturing the rurouni's attention, "and that only makes my revenge more
timely. It's somehow fitting, don't you think, that jinchuu be completed
on the day another replaces my sister as your wife?"
Kenshin's eyes narrowed at the taunting lilt in Enishi's voice, and
he struggled to maintain control of his temper. His wedding had been
the one bright spot in an otherwise chaotic day. He wasn't going
to let the past taint the present, despite Enishi's efforts. "No,"
he responded, "I don't think it's fitting. There's never going to
be a fitting time for what you have planned, Enishi. But I
don't think you'll ever understand that. Tomoe wouldn't . . ."
"Don't talk about my sister!" Enishi shouted. His blade caught
the light on its lazy upswing and reflected back on eyes wild with rage.
The blade flowed downward again, completing the circle, and Enishi leapt
to the attack.
Chou was decidedly puzzled. After leaving the Akabeko earlier
that evening, he'd set up watch in an alley across the street. Slouched
against a building, he'd observed the comings and goings at the restaurant
- and that's where his initial confusion set in. Although the Akabeko
was reportedly popular, there had been relatively few visitors since the
Battousai's initial appearance . . . and the customers the restaurant did
have hadn't stayed long. He'd witnessed the Kamiya girl's annoyed
departure and the rooster-headed ex-gangster's noisy entrance, and those
events had only added to his bewilderment. Why would Himura have
an argument with his brand-new wife? On the day of their marriage?
Why would Sagara only stay a few minutes, after making such a fuss at the
door? Still, while their behavior had been strange, it couldn't
be described as suspicious.
But the way the lights keep going out is a little suspicious,
he thought. Shortly after Battousai had left, the restaurant had
closed and the light inside had dwindled to what was probably a single
lantern. Then, for a short while after the two strangers had arrived,
the restaurant light had brightened again -- only to go completely dark
until the Kamiya girl came back for her second visit of the day.
Battousai had returned a few minutes later, adding his lantern to hers,
and now it looked like several more had been lit. It was very strange.
Strange . . . stranger. Strangers. Those two were definitely
odd-looking. Chou grimaced as he remembered how creepy the taller
of the two had seemed, even at a distance. It was hard to believe
anyone that ugly could be real. Reminds me of one of Gein's puppets
. . . The thought lingered in his mind for a few minutes, and slowly a
pattern to the evening's events began to form. If that was one
of Gein's creations . . . then the shorter one was probably Yukishiro.
He pushed away from the wall as he thought, his footsteps taking him toward
the Akabeko. They took Sekihara-san and her two helpers as hostages,
and put out the lights in order to surprise Battousai when he returned.
Yukishiro's going to try and carry out his revenge tonight! A
heartbeat after he thought it, he heard someone yell in anger, followed
by the crash of swords from inside the restaurant. His habitually
closed eye popped open, and he crossed the remaining distance at a run.
He slid the door open carefully, just far enough to see inside.
Battousai stood in the middle of the room, blocking another man's sword
with his sheathed sakaba. Chou didn't recognize the other man, and
he didn't match Yukishiro's description, either . . . although his height
and build were right. What's going on?!
"Kenshin!" Kaoru screamed, as he twisted to the side to narrowly avoid
being skewered by Enishi's sudden charge. A second blow was blocked
with the sheathed sakaba, and then the real fight began. In the close
confines of the restaurant, the two were restricted in what techniques
they could use, making the fight different from anything they'd exchanged
before. Kenshin, being smaller and faster, was at a distinct advantage.
A flurry of blows, and Enishi fell crashing to the floor.
"That's enough, Enishi!" Kenshin yelled, standing a few feet away, his
breathing only slightly labored. Enishi snarled a curse in response,
and rushed at Kenshin again.
Yukishiro?! But how did he change his appearance?
Chou set the question aside for later. Moving away from the door,
he checked the street for anyone who could take a message to Saitoh.
He spotted an old man and two young children heading directly for the Akabeko.
"You there!" he yelled, making the old man jump. The two children
were a different story -- they had the same reaction as every other child
he'd ever met.
"Broom-head!" they cried, giggling, the younger one pointing at his
hair. The old man immediately began apologizing for their rudeness.
"Nevermind that!" he interrupted, "I need you to take a message to the
police station. Ask for Fujita-san. Tell him Yukishiro Enishi
is at the Akabeko!"
Dr. Genzai's eyes widened as he recognized the name. "Ayame-chan,"
he said, "you go, you're the fastest. Run! It's very important!"
Ayame nodded, her laughter disappearing at the seriousness in the adults'
voices. She dutifully repeated her message, making sure she had it
right, and then darted off toward the police station.
"You wait here, out of the way," Chou ordered Dr. Genzai, motioning
him into the alley across from the Akabeko, "I'm going to try and slip
in the back." Dr. Genzai nodded, hugging Suzume-chan protectively
to him.
Chou made his way around to the back of the Akabeko, where he found
the yard deserted and the kitchen door unlocked. He crept quietly
inside, paused to let his eyes adjust to the gloom, and then slipped through
the deserted room to the doorway which led to the restaurant proper.
He peered through the curtains to find that Yukishiro and Battousai were
still fighting, although now both were sweating and breathing heavily.
Aside from his breathing, Battousai showed little evidence that the fight
was taking its toll -- he sported only a few rips in his gi and a small
cut above his left eye. Yukishiro, however, was in far worse shape.
There was an angry red welt across one hand and wrist, and his motions
were slowed, indicating that his body was bruised and sore.
Chou let his gaze shift from the combatants to survey the rest of the
room. The Kamiya girl -- Battousai's new wife - was standing just
to one side of the main entrance, her attention focused on her husband.
Another man -- Gein, he guessed, judging by the draping robes the man wore
- stood only a few feet away, his back to the kitchen. There was
no sign of Sekihara-san, the timid little waitress, or the boy from the
Kamiya dojo. They must be locked up somewhere. Well, since
Battousai is dealing with Yukishiro . . . I guess it's up to me to take
care of the puppet master.
Caught unaware, and without the protection of his contraption, Gein
fell unconscious with only a single blow from the butt of Chou's sword.
The noise he made as he collapsed drew the startled notice of the room's
other three occupants. Kenshin was the first to recover.
"It's over, Enishi," he said, his voice flat. "You no longer have
Gein to help you, and I suspect your ribs were cracked during that last
exchange. Stop now."
"It's not . . . over . . . not . . . until . . . sister. . ." Enishi's
answer was garbled as he gasped for air, but his meaning was clear.
Kenshin sighed in resignation, and fell into a ready stance, waiting for
Enishi's next attack. When it came, it was excruciatingly slow in
comparison to their prior exchanges.
I knew it . . . his ribs are cracked, possibly broken, Kenshin
thought. He sidestepped Enishi's lunge, bringing his sakaba down
sharply at the base of his skull. By rights, Enishi should've lost
consciousness; but while he reeled from the blow, he didn't fall.
As he stumbled, wavering on his feet in the Akabeko entrance, the door
slid suddenly aside to reveal Saitoh. He took in the situation with
a single, disgusted glance, and then struck Enishi a similar blow.
"I've already tried that. It won't work," Kenshin said, his voice
tired. Saitoh merely raised an eyebrow, as Enishi fell gracelessly
to the floor. "Oro? Well, what do you know," Kenshin muttered,
"It didn't work any of the three times I hit him there."
"What's been going on here?" Saitoh asked, taking a long draw on his
cigarette, "Chou, didn't I tell you to keep an eye on things? Ahou."
Chou bristled at that, but before he could retort the Kamiya girl exclaimed,
"Tae! We've got to let Tae, Tsubame-chan and Yahiko out! Gein
shut them up in one of the dining compartments!" Saitoh looked pointedly
at Chou, who gritted his teeth, shrugged, and followed as she led him along
the narrow corridor between the compartments.
"I'll come, too," Kenshin said, belatedly recalling Hatsuzou's body.
How am I going to prevent Saitoh from asking questions about it?
he wondered.
Tae, Tsubame and Yahiko were very grateful to be freed from their makeshift
cell. All three breathed deeply of the comparatively fresh air outside
the small compartment. Inside, the odor of decay coming from Kada's
body was almost overpowering.
"That one's Kada - the man who informed us of Yukishiro's escape," Saitoh
said, gesturing with his cigarette, "but who's the other one?"
"Don't know," was Chou's reply as he knelt by Hatsuzou, "and I don't
see any marks on him. He wasn't stabbed, or strangled. I don't
know how he died."
Saitoh puffed thoughtfully for a moment. "The girl who came to
the police station said her grandfather was a doctor. He's waiting
outside. Maybe he can tell us what the cause of death is."
Kenshin watched helplessly from the sidelines as Chou called in Dr.
Genzai. He waited tensely for the verdict, and nearly fell over in
shock when Dr. Genzai told them that Hatsuzou had died of natural causes.
"Natural causes?" Tae echoed, her voice puzzled. Kenshin knew
what was coming next, but had no way of stopping it. Eyes closed,
he heard her ask, "He wasn't poisoned?"
"Poisoned?"
"Yes," Tsubame chimed in, "didn't he die because he was poisoned with
kindoku?"
"Definitely not!" Dr. Genzai told them, "A man would have to imbibe
a rather large quantity of kindoku in order for it to do anything more
than knock him unconscious! Wherever did you get an idea like that?"
"Enishi said something about it," Kenshin answered, before Tae or Tsubame
could say anything incriminating.
"Hmmmph! Well, I wonder if he's the one who's been slipping kindoku
to the local riffraff. There've been eleven different cases found
at the clinic - each one unconscious, picked clean, and left on the clinic
porch."
"It's possible," Kenshin hastened to agree. He breathed a quiet
sigh of relief. Tae-dono and Tsubame-dono haven't killed anyone
after all, he thought. Now I just have to convince them that
poisoning their debtors is not the correct solution to their problem.
Somehow, he didn't think they'd be hard to persuade. Not after being
confined with Kada's decaying body.
He brought his attention back to the conversation at hand in time to
hear Saitoh say, "I'm sorry for the difficulty this has caused you, Sekihara-san.
We'll make sure Yukishiro doesn't escape this time." Kenshin felt a pang
of sympathy at that. Enishi didn't belong in a jail . . . he needed
help. He belonged in one of the new facilities. . .
"Wait!" he exclaimed, suddenly remembering the papers Dr. Genzai had
given him earlier. "Saitoh, I need to speak to you before you take
Enishi into custody." Saitoh looked at him questioningly, but followed
Kenshin into one of the nearby cubicles where they could talk privately.
A few minutes later, Saitoh emerged shaking his head.
"You're too soft, Battousai," he said, "but have it your way.
Just make sure he doesn't cause any more trouble."
"Arigatou, Saitoh. I already have the papers, they just have to
be filled ou--"
"Kenshin! There's something I need to tell you about those papers
I gave you earlier today!" Dr. Genzai exclaimed, interrupting him.
"The person to be admitted has to be examined by a physician!"
"Oro? But Enishi's unconscious . . ."
"Those papers were for Yukishiro-san?" the doctor's voice was surprised.
"In that case, I don't think you have a problem." Taking the papers from
Kenshin's unresisting hand, the kindly old man promised to fill them out
and return them once they were signed.
"I'll take Yukishiro on to the police station," Saitoh told Kenshin
after the doctor had left in search of something with which to write.
"Have someone bring the papers by later, and we'll transfer Yukishiro to
the new facility then." Kenshin nodded.
As the others filed out, Kenshin joined Kaoru at the front of restaurant.
"Kenshin. . ." she began, but he gently shook his head at her, forestalling
her questions. He took her hand in his, letting himself relax for
the first time since he'd left her at the bridge that afternoon.
"Let's go to the train station," he said, his voice soft.
She smiled. "Hai."
As they left the Akabeko, Tae and Tsubame could be heard calling "Omedetou!
Kaoru-chan! Kenshin-san! Omedetou!" Kenshin and Kaoru smiled
at each other, his hand tightening on hers, and in silent agreement they
broke into a run.
"Yokohama, here we come!"
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