Those Darn Cats!
Monday, 5:32 PM
Kenshin, Tamahome, and Tasuki are seated together in the living room watching Dirty Pair Flash.  Tae's dog suddenly runs through the living room to stand at the front door, tail wagging.
Kenshin:  Tae-dono must be home.
A moment later, someone can be heard climbing the steps outside.  There is a moment of utter silence, and then a shriek of incredible vexation.
Kenshin:  Oro?

Tamahome:  Tae-chan?!

Tasuki:  What's wrong?!

The three run for the front door as the shrieking outside deteriorates into cursing of amazing proportions.  Their concern begins to change to curiosity -- Tae doesn't normally use the kind of language filtering through the door.  Kenshin finally manages to fling it open, and the three look outside to find Tae standing about a foot away, eyes fixed on the porch, hands clenching and unclenching in annoyance.
Kenshin (lifting a foot to step outside):  Tae-dono?

Tae (raising her hand like a traffic cop):  STOP!!

Kenshin freezes.  Tae's hand then shifts to point at the porch in front of him, and Kenshin's eyes dutifully follow her pointing finger downward.  His eyes bug slightly at what he finds, and he hastily retracts his foot.
Tasuki & Tamahome (peeking over Kenshin's shoulders):  Ewwwwwwww.
Even Tae's dog is disgusted, as she waits patiently on the doorstep instead of running outside.  Tae sighs, and hands Kenshin her purse before reaching carefully OVER the mess on the porch to pick up her dog.
Tae:  I'll be back in a minute.  Could one of you fix me a bucket of hot sudsy water?

Kenshin:  Hai, Tae-dono.

Thursday, 5:48 PM
Kenshin, dressed in a frilly apron, is preparing spaghetti in the kitchen.  Tamahome and Tasuki are playing Othello, and trying to figure out what the appeal of the game is.  Tae's dog suddenly gets up from her position on the couch, and runs to stand at the front door.  A moment later, Tae's voice can be heard from the porch.
Tae:  I hate cats I hate cats I hate cats I hate cats I hate cats!!

Kenshin:  Oro?!

Tasuki:  What, again?

Tae (pushing the front door open):  Somebody bring me a bucket of hot sudsy water!!

Sunday, 11:17 AM
Tae opens the front door, yawning a little, and raises a foot to step outside.  A pungent odor registers and she looks down just in time.  Her foot is hastily retracted, and the front door closed again.
Tae (bouncing her forehead repeatedly against the door):  I hate cats I hate cats I hate cats I hate cats!!
In the kitchen, Kenshin begins preparing a bucket of hot sudsy water.
Tamahome:  Why don't you get someone to do something about them?

Tae (slumped down on the floor in front of the door):  Sure.  Who?

Tasuki:  How about the SPCA?

Tae:  Tried.  No good.  There's no leash law on cats.  They won't come get 'em 'cause they may belong to somebody.

Kenshin:  Didn't you tell them that they were strays?

Tae:  Well of course I did!  They said that my word wasn't good enough.

Tamahome:  They didn't offer any help at all?

Tae:  Well... they said I could rent a trap for $20 a day.  Then I just have to coax one of the damn things into the trap, and take it to the SPCA.

Tasuki:  That shouldn't be a problem.

Tae:  Oh really?  (Her tone clearly indicates that Tasuki has overlooked something crucial).

Tasuki (sweatdropping):  There is a problem?

Tae:  No... (Tasuki begins to relax) not unless you count the fact that I don't want a feral cat in my fairly new car, or consider the need to breathe important.

Tamahome:  BAKA!  Tae-chan's allergic to cats.  Ten minutes in a room where a cat's BEEN makes it almost impossible for her to breathe.  How's she supposed to drive to the SPCA with one?

Tae:  Asphyxiating isn't really something I plan to do.

Kenshin:  Couldn't you get a friend to help?

Tae:  Sure.  (Voice dripping sarcasm) So now we've gotten rid of one of the cats.  Only 15 more to go!!  How much money do you have?

Kenshin:  Hmmm... I see your point.

Tae:  We -- the people at this end of the building -- have written a letter to the condo association about the problem.  They're supposed to discuss it at the next board meeting.  We'll see what happens.  In the meantime... maybe closing the porch gate will keep 'em from making a mess.

Tae climbs slowly to her feet to accept the bucket of water from Kenshin.
Tae:  I just want to know why they have to do this on my front porch!  And right after I paid to have it pressure-washed!!

Tamahome:  It must be some sort of territory marking.

Tae (mumbling to herself as she steps outside):  Damnit, this is my territory... but you're not going to see me out here marking it this way.  That's just nasty.

Kenshin's eyes bug out at that, and Tasuki sniggers.
Kenshin:  Tae-dono... you say some odd things when you're riled.

Tae:  Oh, shut up.

Friday, 5:15 PM
Tae enters the house, laughing insanely at a letter she holds in her hand.
Kenshin:  Tae-dono?  Daijoubu de gozaru ka?

Tae (still laughing):  Oh sure.  The condo association sent a letter to everyone in the building demanding that whoever is feeding the cats, stop.  If the cats don't go away, the cost of getting rid of them will be divided among us.

Tamahome:  I still don't get why you're laughing.

Tae:  Because my neighbors are so whacked out that -- although they want the cats to go away -- they've been feeding them out of pity.  Do you really think they're gonna stop?

Still laughing, Tae takes her dog outside.  She returns not 5 minutes later.  And starts cursing.
Tae:  What is this!?  I left the gate open for 5 minutes and they make a mess on my porch!  Are they just WAITING for a chance to do this?!  They are!  I know it!  They're plotting against me!

Kenshin (sweatdropping):  Ano... Tae-dono...

Tae:  Stupid cats!  5 minutes!  Not even 5 minutes!!

Cursing under her breath, Tae begins to clean the mess off her porch.  Meanwhile, in the bushes beneath the stairs...
Black Cat (sniggering):  That was a good one!  She's really annoyed now!

Stripes:  Yeah!  I love getting her all riled up!

The Kittens:  Why are we picking on her?

Stripes:  Because she doesn't like us.  She never lets us sneak up on her dog, and she's always shooing us off her porch.

Gray:  She says we have fleas!

The Kittens:  But we do!

Gray (sniffing haughtily):  That doesn't mean she should say so!

Orange:  Last Spring she really threw a wrench in our territory marking.  She kept putting some kind of deodorizer on her porch, which made spraying it useless!

Black:  All right... So whose turn is it next time?...
 

Saturday, 6:30 AM
A high, piercing voice carries through Tae's bedroom window from outside.
Voice:  Here kitty, kitty, kitty!  Heeeeeere kitty, kitty, kiiittyyyy!
Tae is jolted awake by the horrific noise, the vocal equivalent of fingernails on a blackboard.
Voice:  Here kiiiittty!! Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

Tae (matter of factly):  I'm going to kill her.

Tae gets out of bed, and marches purposefully through the house.  She is stopped at the front door by Tasuki.
Tasuki:  Tae-chan?  Where are you going?

Tae:  To kill my neighbor.  Why?  (She offers this explanation as if it's perfectly reasonable.)

Tasuki:  You can't kill your neighbor!

Tae:  Watch me.

Kenshin (muzzily, from the doorway to the guest bedroom):  Tae-dono?  What's the matter?

Tae (sighing in annoyance):  I'm going to kill the bonehead with the piercing voice.  I consider it a service to society.

Kenshin:  Ororo???

Tae pushes Tasuki out of the way and stomps outside.  She proceeds down the stairs and around to the front of the building.
Voice:  Here kitty, kitty, kitty!  Heeeerrreee kitty, kitty, kitty!
Tae winces in reaction.  Outside, the noise is even more horrendous.
Tae:  SHUT.  UP.

Voice:  Here kitty kiiiitt--eh?

Tae marches up to her neighbor and snatches the bowl of food out of her hands.
Neighbor:  Hey!

Tae:  For the cats?

Neighbor:  Yes!  Give that back!  The poor things must be hungry!

Tae:  Tell me... can you read?

Neighbor:  How dare you?!  Of course I can!

Tae:  Hmmmm.... so what part of "don't feed the cats" do you not understand?

Neighbor:  ...

Tae:  That's what I thought.  Look, lady, those "poor things" have been defecating and yacking on my porch for two weeks.  It's disgusting.  Not to mention that it's embarrassing to have visitors come to call and find that outside.  Thanks to the cats, there are fleas in the common areas, and my dog has a flea problem for the first time ever.  That constitutes a health hazard.

Tae's eyes take on a steely glint.
Tae:  Do you want to clean my porch the next time it's fouled?  Do you want to pay for the flea treatment I'm using on my dog?  Do you want to try and console me if she gets sick because of the fleas?  If you do, then by all means, feed the damn cats.
Tae's neighbor can only stutter in shock, her eyes wide at Tae's vehemence.
Tae:  It appears you don't.  Good.  SO LEAVE THE DAMN CATS ALONE.  And for heaven's sake, have the courtesy NOT to be out here using that siren of a voice at 6:30 in the morning!
Saturday, 2:35 PM.
Tae (sweetly, innocently):  Tasuki?  Can I borrow your fan?

Tasuki:  Eh?  My tessen?

Tae:  Uh-huh.  Pleeeaassse?

Tamahome:  Don't let her do it.  She wants to use it on the cats.

Tae:  Tamahome!

Kenshin:  Tae-dono, you'll be sorry, later.

Tae:  HA!  They've gone and made a mess on my porch for the LAST TIME!

Tasuki:  Tae-chan... it only works for me.

Tae:  So what?  It's made out of iron, isn't it?  If I can't flame 'em, I'll brain 'em!

Kenshin, Tamahome and Tasuki are understandably appalled.
Kenshin:  Tae-dono!!

Tae:  HUSH!  I don't care!  (Almost in tears)  I can't take it anymore!  It's disgusting!  And I can't get the smell out of my head!  I keep thinking I smell it wherever I am!

She stands, eyes closed, breath coming in gasps, her hands clenching and unclenching in frustration.  At that moment, the doorbell rings.  She opens it to find a man in a gray jumpsuit standing outside.
Man:  Hello!  I just wanted to tell you that I've come to catch the cats and take them to the SPCA.  The association wanted you to know, since your name was listed on the letter of complaint.
Tae stares blankly at him for a moment, and then throws her arms around him in a jubilant hug.  Thank you!  Thankyouthankyouthankyou!
Man (prying her arms from around his neck):  Ummm. yeah...

Kenshin (as Tae closes the door):  There, you see?  No need to get violent.

Tae gives him an acid look.
Tae:  Like you were any help.

Kenshin:  Oro?

Tae ignores him and begins doing the Dance of Joy.
Tae:  Yes! Yes yes yes yes yes!!  No more cats no more cats no more cats!
Outside, as he's chased from under the porch, Black looks up at Tae's window and yowls.
Black:  Damn you!  Just you wait!  We'll get you next time!  Evil will triumph!

The Kittens:  Are we evil?

Gray:  No... we've just been depicted that way.

The Kittens:  Oh.

Kenshin:  Yare yare.