Defective Character

Tae stands in her living room, talking on the phone to the LIAC Complaints Department.
Tae:  Look, there's something wrong with him, and I want you to fix it.  <pause>  Well, he won't do anything except sit on the floor, lean against the wall, and stare off into space.  Excuse me a moment, will you?  Thanks.
She pulls the phone away from her head and yells at Tasuki.
Tae:  Leave him alone!

Tasuki (quickly letting go of Kenshin's arm):  I'm not hurting him.

Kenshin (morosely):  Just let me rest.

Tae turns back to the phone.
Tae:   I'm back now. <pause> When did it start?  Well, he doesn't usually get worked up about things, but last week he started crying.  A lot.  Especially at Hallmark Card commercials.  <pause> Yes, I thought that was odd, too.  And then sometime last night is when he began refusing to move.  Ummm... I think it was after I read the spoilers for chapter 208.  <pause>  What do you mean it's MY fault he's acting this way?!?
Tae listens in disbelief as the LIAC representative explains.
Representative (on the phone):  Your LIAC learns things at the same time you do, and then acts accordingly.  Last week you found out that Enishi appeared to have killed Kaoru.  Your LIAC responded by crying, a reaction similar to the one he had in the manga.  I bet he didn't really tear up until they showed one of those touching "You Are So Special" card ads.

Tae (sweatdropping):  What?  The touching ones?

Representative:  Yes.  And this week you found out that Kenshin has withdrawn from society... so your LIAC has, too.  I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about it until next week's issue comes out.

Tae:  Nani?!  You mean I'm supposed to let him mope around for a whole week?  What if Aoshi doesn't knock some sense into him in the next issue?

Representative:  You'll just have to let him mope around some more, I guess.

Tae:  You're just full of advice, aren't you?  Umm.  Can you excuse me again?  Thanks.

Tae grabs a nearby vase and wings it at Tasuki, smacking him square in the head.
Tasuki:  Ouch!  That hurt!

Tae:  I told you to leave him alone!

Tasuki lets go of rag-doll Kenshin, who immediately collapses against the wall again.
Kenshin:  I'm exhausted now.  Just let me rest.

Tae:  Mou!  (Into the phone again) Look lady, you've got to be kidding!  There's no way I'm going to let him sit around my living room, holding up the wall, for a week or more.  Do something!!

Representative:  I'm afraid there's nothing that can be done.  Unless you think you can forget what happened in Jump this week?

Tae (acidly):  Are you insane? 

Representative:  There's no need to take that tone.  This information was all laid out in the contract....

Tae:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Thanks ever so much.  <click>

Tae looks over at Kenshin, then marches determinedly over to where he sits.  Grabbing him by the shoulders she shakes him a few times.
Tae:  Snap out of it!  She's not dead!  It's a trick!  Mou!  If you're supposed to know everything I know, how come you don't know that?!

Kenshin:  It's fine now.  Just let me rest.

Tae:  Kenshin no baka!  You're starting to sound like Aoshi with his never-ending reiteration of his friends' names.  Get up!  She's not dead!  (Wails)  Snap out of it!!  I need you to do the laundry! And who's going to cook dinner?

Kenshin fails to respond.  Exasperated, she releases him and ponders other solutions to her problem.
Tae:  I've got it!
She dashes back to the phone and dials.
Voice on phone:  LIAC daily rentals, how may I help you?

Tae:  Is Shinomori Aoshi from Rurouni Kenshin available?

Voice:  One moment please.  <doo bee doo bee dooooo (elevator music)>  You're in luck!  Not only is Aoshi available, but the Weasel Girl is, too.

Tae considers this for a moment... Misao is damn genki.  And more personable than Aoshi... maybe she could cheer Kenshin up.  She looks over at the vacant-eyed Rurouni.  Nah.
Tae:  That's all right, I just need Aoshi.  My member number is R15T6LM115.  How soon can you have him here?

Voice:  He'll arrive within the hour.

Tae:  Arigato!!  <click>  Don't worry, Kenshin.  Aoshi will straighten you out.

Tamahome:  Ano.... Tae-chan... are you sure about this?  You're jumping ahead of the manga.   I mean, we don't even know what Watsuki has planned for Aoshi.

Tae:  It's worth a try!  I'd ask for Kaoru, but with my luck I'd get that icky doll-thing Gein made.  <shudder>  I can't stand to see him like this.  Besides, I really need someone to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

Tamahome & Tasuki:  <sweatdrop>

Tasuki:  Tamahome-kun, your mercenary tendencies are really starting to rub off on her.

Tamahome:  Honto....

Sometime later.... <Ding-Dong> the doorbell rings.  Tae answers it to find Aoshi and Misao standing outside.
Tae:  Ano... don't take this the wrong way, Misao-chan... but what are you doing here?

Misao:  Today's a two-for-one special.  You requested Aoshi-sama, and you got me as a bonus!  Isn't that great?

Tae:  <sweatdrop>  Ummm.  Yeah.  Sure.  Come in.

Aoshi and Misao enter, and look in surprise at Kenshin, who is still sitting on the floor in the corner.
Misao:  What's wrong with Himura?

Tae:  What do you mean what's wrong with him?!  He thinks Kaoru's dead!  That's why you're here!

She smacks Aoshi on the back.
Tae:  Go get'im, Aoshi!

Misao (mumbling under her breath):  Leave Aoshi-sama alone!

Aoshi stares blankly at Tae for a minute, then blinks <poit poit>.
Aoshi:  Just what do you expect me to do?

Tae:  Knock some sense into him.  You know, return the favor he did back during the Kyoto saga.  And can you hurry up?  It's his turn to make dinner tonight.

Aoshi continues to look blank.
Tae (sighing, holding her head in her hands):  Don't tell me, let me guess.  You don't know what your lines are, right?  Because the next issue of Jump hasn't come out yet.

Tamahome:  I told you this wouldn't work, Tae-chan.

Tae:  I know.  But he looks so miserable!  (To Aoshi)  Can't you just make something up?!

While Tae is trying to inspire Aoshi, Misao has wandered over to look at Tasuki and his Tessen.
Misao (thinking):  How does he get his hair to do that?

Tasuki (thinking):  How does she keep from tripping over that bow?

Misao:  Oi... what's with the iron fan?

Tasuki:  Huh?  Oh.  It's a weapon.

Misao gawks for a minute, then bursts out laughing.
Misao:  A weapon?!  What do you do with it, wave it really hard and knock people over?
This comment, of course, is a big mistake.
Tasuki:  Lekka Shien!!
Tae looks up from her... discussion... with Aoshi as her sofa and Misao-chan are engulfed in flames.  The flames recede, and a toasted Misao gasps out a little puff of smoke as the remains of the sofa collapse out from under her.  Everyone stares in shock for a moment, and then Misao jumps up with a "kecho kick" aimed at Tasuki's head.
Misao:  What the hell was that for?!

Tasuki:  You wanted to know what this fan did, so I showed you.

Tae:  TASUKI!!!

Tasuki and Misao stop mid-fight, turning to find that Tae is glowing faintly red.  Tasuki instantly has flash backs to Ecchi Seishi, and begins backing away.  Unfortunately, Misao has hold of his shirt, which hampers things a little.
Tae:  LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY SOFA!

Misao:  Hey!! What about me?

Tae:  LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MISAO-CHAN!!

Misao:  That's better.

Tasuki continues to back towards Kenshin's corner.  Tae has pulled a large wooden mallet from hammerspace and is not afraid to use it.  With a battle cry of "Tasuki no baka!!"  She closes her eyes and swings.  Unfortunately, Tasuki has tripped over Kenshin, and so the hammer doesn't have the expected impact.  Caught off balance, Tae also falls on Kenshin, giving him a good smack with the mallet in the process.
Kenshin:  Orooooooo?!

Tae (to Tasuki, who she's now sitting on):  What did he say?

Tasuki:  He said "Orooooo".  Can you get off me?

Misao:  Himura!  Himura are you all right now?

Kenshin:  Oro?  What do you mean?  When did you and Aoshi get here?

Tae:  He's cured!!

Aoshi:  I don't think he's cured... I think he has amnesia.

Tae:  That's close enough.  I'll take amnesia over depression any day.

Tamahome:  Do you realize what you're saying?  You can't stand it when you forget something!

Tae:  Be quiet, Tamahome.  (To Kenshin)  So are you feeling okay?  Any urges to cry?

Kenshin: <sweatdrop> Ano... Tae-dono, what are you babbling about?
Tae:  Never mind, Kenshin.  (She beams at him.)  Would you start dinner now?

Kenshin:  Hai, de gozaru.

He wanders off towards the kitchen.  Tae stands up, then helps Tasuki to his feet.

Tae (quietly):  You get to live, but only because you helped get Kenshin back to normal.  If you EVER set that thing off in my home again, I'll return you to the LIAC bureau for redistribution ... and you know what THAT means.  The cousin.

Tae walks off, leaving Tasuki frozen in place in terror, as 600 miles away Sae's cousin sneezes.
Misao (to Aoshi):  She's scary.

Aoshi (to Misao):  Very.