Subject: [kffdisc] Affinity (Misao POV) Date: Fri, 07 May 1999 19:43:55 PDT From: "Tin Mandigma" Reply-To: kffdisc@onelist.com To: kffdisc@onelist.com, aoshimisaofics@egroups.com From: "Tin Mandigma" Hi, minna. Tin here ^_^ Uh, I posted this piece yesterday but it seems something went wrong so I decided to try again. This is the companion piece to "Halves." "Affinity" is in Misao's POV ^^ and it is written in a more, shall we say, 'casual' style than "Halves." I sure didn't get a pounding headache when I wrote this 'fic ^__^ 'Niways, here it is and I hope you like it! BTW, THANK YOU, Elizabeth-san for the kind comments! ^___^ I'm honored. And, Courtney-chan, you are just so sweet! Arigato! ^___^ Affinity by Tin Mandigma ----------------------------------------------- This is a Rurouni Kenshin-inspired fanfic written entirely for entertainment purposes only. Standard disclaimers apply. ----------------------------------------------- Aoshi-sama, My dear Aoshi-sama, Dear Aoshi, Aoshi, If you're reading this, you must be laughing by now. Ah, but you never laugh do you? You never even smile. Don't get me wrong. I don't think it's such a bad thing. I mean, serious is cute. And adorable. I'm not one for those always-perky and sickeningly genki guys myself. But I bet that a simple smile from you will outshine them all. And you probably have no idea how you make me catch my breath each time I see your mouth quiver and tiny grooves appear on each side of your face whenever Jiya says something totally lewd (the dirty old man) or whenever Okon and Omasu argue about who's gonna seduce the tofu-seller at the marketplace. Sometimes, I find myself saying and doing something purposefully silly just so you could look at me that way. If I make an idiot of myself in the process, who cares? I don't. My self-image is a small price to pay in exchange for seeing even a trace of simple amusement linger on your face. You're probably frowning now. Are you such a killjoy, you ask? I wish. But *that* particular thought probably never even occured to you. If only you could bring yourself to worry about the usual things guys lose their heads over. Like whether they have enough hair or something. Or whether that beautiful girl living in town will smile and invite them into her house the next time they pass by. Hmph. Scratch that last part. No beautiful girls for you. But you'll probably tell me you have enough to keep your mind occupied for the rest of your life as it is. Like guilt. Remorse. Anger. Regret. When will love find a place in your thoughts, I wonder? Maybe when you learn to forgive yourself? I won't lie to you and tell you that everything that has happened since you left Kyoto to fight Battousai was beyond your control. You knew what you were doing. You made your decision. And I while I hold you accountable for the events which followed because of that, I will never--and have never--condemned you. Has familiarity blinded me and led me to deny truths which should be faced simply because they are real? I don't think so. I would say that familiarity has instead made me look beyond those 'truths,' to reflect on a deeper level, to search for their foundation. And that foundation is ephemeral. I'm not saying that you could change or alter the past. It's just that I refuse to believe that you can create the present and the future within the framework of the past. Each has its own truth, its own reality. To think otherwise would be to betray who you are and who you could still be. There's always room for second chances. Of course, that's just my philosophical version of the matter. Maybe the basic reason, the real reason, is I love you too much to think of it in any other way. I love you. What a surprise. Well, it's not like I've kept it secret from you or from anyone else. Besides, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. The feeling is too intense, too vivid, too alive for me to keep it repressed inside. To do otherwise would be like saying you could gather the rushing waters of the ocean and pour them all into a tiny bottle. It's that immense, that powerful. Sometimes, when I'm with you, I feel its force like a tangible entity waiting to be unleashed. And, during those moments, I want to hold you tightly and just let that love wash over both of us in healing ecstasy, a tremendous beautiful power. Ah, I'm rambling. I guess the issue I'm really trying to address here is whether or not you feel the same way. Don't worry. I don't expect you to immediately profess your undying love or something like that. That will be too corny. Well, OK, 'romantic' is the term I'll use. But then I've always fantasized about a declaration in the moonlight, you know, complete with fireworks and fragrant flowers, what Jiya calls the "romantic nonsense" Okon and Omasu have been filling my head for years. I haven't told him yet that when you really take the time to analyze this "romantic nonsense," it all boils down to a simple concept: love. A dream. A need. Everyone dreams of finding someone to love and to love them in return. I believe that that hope is the one thing which sustains every human being. It enables them to live, to keep waiting for tomorrow. I have that hope. I have my dream. In you. Of course, the passing of the years has modified that dream somewhat, layered it, gave it more substance. Don't get me wrong. Life really becomes more complex as a person grows older, beset by the loss of innocence which is the price one must pay in order to grow up. But, ironically, one also has simpler wants, bolstered by the awareness that the best things in life come in small packages. It's the little details, the things which we take so much for granted, that really count and have so much meaning. I used to think that contentment means living in a big big house with all the things you could ever want within your reach. The 'normal' life. But I have seen so much sadness, have realized that there are so many people who couldn't even *dare* dream. I have watched you fall into that wake of emptiness and despair and I wondered then if you would ever surface. I wept for you so many times, shed tears which I knew you have lost the power to summon for yourself, smiled at you, for you, in the hope of giving you a chance, an *excuse* to smile back in return, even as you slowly gather those scattered pieces of yourself, looking for that one shard which would hold everything back together again. I would gladly find them for you, look for them with you, and should they not be enough, would you let me give you pieces of my own? I write this letter to you now, knowing that only my eyes will bear witness to its contents. Maybe, someday, I'll show this to you, when we have finally realized our dream, our truth, when the puzzle is complete, and we have both accepted that what we thought forever lost in ourselves, we have found in each other. For now, let me rejoice in what I have, though it be unspoken as slowly, slowly, we create our future in the bittersweet present. In tears, painful search, hidden smiles. But I have so much hope. For both of us. Tomorrow at dawn, I will come and ask you, "Will you watch the sun rise with me?" Maybe you will suddenly burst into laughter and embrace me and tell me that I am your sun or something romantically nonsensical. Or maybe you will even say that you love me. With all your heart and with all your soul. That am I your dream. But there will be time enough for all that later. A simple yes or no will be enough. Misao P.S. For the moment. ============================================================== NOTES: Aack! That was weird ^^;; I hope that Misao wasn't too OOC (is she? ;_;). 'Niways, this is just how I interpret her relationship with Aoshi. As a sort of transition ^^ Darn. I can't think straight. Too much Coke -_-;; 12:24:50 PM 07-May-99 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The possibilities are endless! http://www.onelist.com ONElist has something for everyone!