From: "Tin Mandigma" Hi, minna! ^_^ Here's a piece I wrote over the weekend when I was sitting on the kitchen table drinking my customary can of Coke and brooding over the latest RK ep I managed to catch on TV. It's from a first-person perspective but I think I'll just let you figure out just whose perspective I'm talking about ^^;; It's, uh, weird and purely a product of Tin-brainspace-deluged-with-Coke (yeah, blame it on the soft drink ^^) Comments are greatly welcome! ;) Night Time by Tin Mandigma ---------------------------------------------------- This is a Rurouni Kenshin-inspired fanfic written entirely for entertainment purposes only. Standard disclaimers apply. -------------------------------------------------- I wasn't lying when I said I needed some air. To cool off, I told him, smiling. Spring nights were terribly hot, especially during May; all supressed air and sulking clouds and cloying scent of rotting flowers. So uncomfortable. And hot. I already mentioned that, right? Yes. I think I did. Spring does weird things, funny things to your memory. Especially during May. How about a bath? he asked. Even baths feel hot, I explained. He let me go, of course. It was such a simple matter. He could be so kind, really. Even sending a couple of his men to accompany me as I left the house. No. To follow me. No. To watch me. I shook my head. No. To protect. To protect me. Just in case I wasn't strong enough. Which was true anyway. He could be so kind. We all have our eccentricities. In words, actions, personality. He doesn't mind mine so I indulge his. Self-expression, I call it. Humanity, he says. The truth...? I say. I said. Not that there's that much to indulge about him anyway. Or maybe I'm just blind. Like he is, sometimes. Always, actually. Blindess by choice or blindness by nature? Or maybe there wasn't really anything to see. If only he could hear to me now. But then he probably wouldn't notice anyway. Well, of course. It's just the way I am. The way he is. We understand each other. Suddenly, I saw a woman. She was sitting right next to me on an old tatami mat which rubbed against my behind like a withered old finger. I felt itchy but there was nowhere else to go. And she was telling me, "You have a right to be happy." It sounded perfect, the way she said it. No stutter, not even a tiny breath to punctuate the words. I smiled. But I still felt hot. I turned my head and I saw my accompanying protectors still following me dutifully. And they were watching. Hmm... I should have taken the carriage. But I told him I needed air and carriages don't have any. I said I wasn't lying, didn't I? Yes. Of course I did. Damn but it was hot. Maybe I could take a bath somewhere. The town was near. I sighed. Spring makes you think, do, remember weird things, funny things. --Eccentric things. Especially during May. I strolled around the marketplace for a while. There were a lot of people milling about, rushing to buy food for supper. The heat had subsided. I changed my mind about having a bath. Maybe later, back at the house. I bought a couple of hairpins from an old woman. She told me I looked like the sort who wore them, anyway. I smiled at her and added a tip. She knew how to sell her stuff. I would wear them for dinner. I turned them over in my fingers carefully. They were beautiful. Black with bright splashes of orange weaving in and out of the surface like tongues of fire. There was this man. Fat, middle-aged, rich, I guess. He kept looking at me as I conversed with the old woman and he even bought a ribbon or two of his own. Maybe he had a wife. Or a daughter. He stood very close to me when he was making his purchases. I pretended not to notice. He looked eccentric, after all. Indulge him, I told myself. He bowed to me very politely and smiled. I smiled back, bowed back, also very polite as I said goodbye. But when I turned to go, I felt his hand brushing my arm and down the length of my back. I was annoyed but not surprised. But I admit I--overreacted. I really shouldn't have stabbed him in the arm with my hairpins. It was impractical and a waste of money. The movement was too quick for me to see clearly but I heard the thrust of the pointed tips against his flesh, caught a glimpse of his skin tearing like a piece of thin sagging paper. His blood spurted out, rich and red and so very hot. It trickled down my hand. The heat had started again. "You bitch!" the fat man cursed, clutching his arm, tears of pain and rage streaming down his pockmarked face. He slapped me on the face. I just stood there. What else could I say? "Sluts like you deserve NO KINDNESS at all!" I was tempted to answer that but I had to be polite. I hurt him, after all. More than enough justification to let it pass. Of course. And then he spat on my face. Other people had clustered around us, including the old woman and my two--protectors. Watchers. Followers. His men. They gazed at us silently with eyes and mouths full of censure. One of the women turned to the fat man, holding up his arm and murmuring something softly. His wife? His daughter? I think they expected me to apologize. But I couldn't do that. Begging for forgiveness was not an eccentricity of mine. They all looked like they wanted to stab me, too. And I saw the woman again. She was walking towards me, arms outstretched. I ran into her arms. She smelled nice, like old clothes and fried fish and old tatami mats. She took my arm gently and held it up, away from our entwined embrace. It was bleeding. I hit it somewhere, I said. 'Where?' she asked. I couldn't remember. She cleaned it carefully with something sticky. I liked her touch but I was crying, too. The wound was painful. She looked at me and slowly wiped away my tears. Her touch was so soft it was almost featherlight. "Please don't cry. Smile instead. You look so beautiful when you're happy." I could feel the man's spittle dribbling down my cheek. I put up a hand and touched it tentatively. It felt sticky. Like her fingers. But this was revolting. I wiped my chin carelessly. Suddenly I wished I was strong. Very strong. I needed air. Badly. There was this field outside town. I never noticed it before. I did now. The heat could do strange things, I reminded myself. I stretched myself out on the grass carefully. I didn't want to go back to him with stains on my face and clothes and hands. He would get angry. I wanted him to continue being kind. Stars winked down at me. Very beautiful, very bright. They seemed like globes of pale fire; poised like arrows cocked for destruction. But what if the sky wasn't strong enough to hold them? There were thousands of them, after all, pinned to the night like hair pins, stabbing it in so many different places. Even the heavens were weak sometimes, right? I could just imagine the stars, sliding down the sky, those murderous ornaments, tearing it apart, slowly, as hairpins would a man's skin. The heavens would bleed, would cry tears of fire and I would feel their spit raining down on me. Sticky, hot. And then I would burst into flames. In my mind's eye, I saw a house, touched by a crying sky. I was inside that house. It was hot inside. Very hot. Someone was crying. I looked around and there were bodies falling, writhing, burning. Some ones were crying. Weak, weren't they? I looked up then and I saw a beautiful star streaking towards me. A wooden star. How extraordinary. I suddenly wanted it badly. Would I fall, writhe, burn, too, like the others? Maybe I should make a wish. I closed my eyes. Strange. The star felt cool. Like tears. And warm. And heavy. Like an embrace. I opened my eyes and there was the woman again. She was crying, too. Was she sorry because she caught my star for me? I wanted to smile and tell her I didn't mind, really, but I couldn't see her face very clearly. I reached out to touch it with my fingers and I found that it was red. And hot. And sticky. Like... blood? "Be happy." By choice or by nature? I should tell him that story. He'd like it. Something rustled in the grass. Some things. Footsteps, I realized. I was dismayed. I didn't want to be watched right now or followed or protected. I just needed some air. He understood that, didn't he? Of course, he did. Someone was coming. Only one. How kind. The grass parted before me and there was this girl. I watched her, for once; followed her movements as she approached me with small stumbling steps, for once. Maybe, I could protect her, too. Just once...? Just in case. She noticed me then. And she was surprised. She took a step back but she didn't say anything. I smiled at her. Small she was and pretty. And such a lovely hair ribbon. Blue. I could see it in the darkness. She wasn't the sort who wore hair pins. "Hello," I called out as softly as I could. I smiled again. Such a child. I patted the place next to me. She hesitated for a moment but then she came, settling down beside me as she would on an old tatami mat. "Hello," the girl said, watching me curiously. I didn't mind. I couldn't see her face very clearly in the dark but I thought I could discern wetness on her cheeks, trailing down her face much like it did the fat man's a while ago. But, I looked down at her hands, no wounds. No gaping flesh. Good. "What are you doing here?" she asked me. I didn't want to lie to her. "I needed some air," I answered. See? "It's so hot, isn't it?" She said something indistinct. But I was sure she agreed with me. "Yes," she said, louder this time. I wanted to tell her that I understood her already but that wouldn't be-- Kind. "It is hot," she said again. I decided to indulge her. "And what are you doing here?" She was quiet at first. Was she uncomfortable with me? It was May, after all. And I was a stranger... "I wanted to be--alone." Maybe she was strong enough to be alone by herself. An eccentricity, surely. And I was also curious. "Why?" She shrugged and the ribbon bobbed up and down with her tilting head. "To--think," she whispered. To think. That was straightforward, wasn't it? And conscious. A conscious purpose. And I realized then that maybe I did lie to him. Maybe I didn't want air, after all. Maybe I wanted to be alone, like she did. Maybe I wanted to think, like she did. But I wasn't strong enough. To tell him. The truth... "About what?" I asked. "Things." Things. To be--alone with things. To--think about things. Maybe doing so made her happy. But she looked sad. "Smile," I said. "You look beautiful when you smile." Has he ever told me that? He? No. It wasn't part of his eccentricities. Or maybe it was but I turned a blind eye to it. Or maybe it wasn't even there at all. That wasn't kind. She was really surprised, this time. But she did smile. Only a little but it was a smile. I think I missed something. Did I stutter? Swallowed the words? The woman didn't. "Thank you," she murmured, her ribbon fluttering in the breeze. "That was kind of you." I never told the woman she was kind. "The truth?" she said. The smile grew a bit wider, seemed almost like laughter. I wished then that she would laugh. I wanted to see if she was strong enough to laugh. Or kind enough, maybe. "I was looking for fireflies." Fireflies. Glowing lights. Like stars. Something chirped in the darkness. We both turned but we saw nothing. Only the rustling, rustled grass. "A cricket, maybe," she said and her voice sounded strangely like a sob. "I guess there are no fireflies here." "Why do you want to see fireflies?" I asked as kindly as I could. She deserved kindness. She really did. "They remind me of--important things," she said and she tucked her arms around her knees. "Like love. Like, like--" She took a deep breath. Almost without volition, I felt my chest rise along with hers. The wind smelled nice. The grass smelled nice. And maybe when I take an even deeper breath, I could smell... her memories? Odd, I thought, as my breath shivered and disappeared in the heat like a fly consumed by fire. Firefly. Beautiful insects. "Like goodbyes." Important, love, goodbyes, I mulled. And fireflies, I told myself. And fireflies. That was straightforward. That was conscious. That was--true. Wait. He was sitting beside me, putting his arms around my shoulders. He smelled nice. He smelled smooth. White. "We're going to Kyoto this afternoon." Only one thing to say to that, after all. "Why?" I asked as leaned my head against his neck. My firefly. "To complete my purpose, my dream," he answered and his arms tightened around me. My? My? Indulge, I thought. Understand. It's him. "And yours as well," he whispered and his voice was almost gentle, almost perfect, almost like the woman's. I was suprised. And un-understanding. "What do you mean?" I whispered back, as gently as I could, as perfectly as I could. Maybe I reminded him of another woman, too. "I want you to be happy," he said. I looked up at him then. And he was smiling. Kindly. "Happy with me." The woman--my woman--never said that to me. Maybe his did. But not mine. Not mine. Not to me. Why? I sensed the girl watching me again. And she was smiling, too. But in a different way. "Do I sound stupid?" No. She sounded-- Ashamed. And apologetic. I remembered myself sitting restlessly on the old tatami mat, tugging the worn edges with a rough hand until one string gave in and another followed until I was sitting on a bunch of straws. I was ashamed then. But not apologetic. Not really. It was just an old tatami mat, anyway. But the woman was, when she embraced me and cried over me and all I saw of her was a huge swathe of red...? Was he ever ashamed? Apologetic? I should not turn a blind eye to that, I told myself sternly. "Of course not," I said. "I was just thinking." Now I know I lied. I just wanted some air. And now I was thinking. I lied. She didn't seem to notice but I felt guilty anyway. "Thinking about what you said," I added. I clenched my fingers around the grass, felt it bunch in my hand like a swell of torn strings. "It sounded beautiful." I swallowed, wondering why my throat felt so--sticky. "I've never seen fireflies. Ever." And love? And goodbyes? Not even happiness. The questions hung in the air. "Oh," she murmured. Or did she simply breathe? "It was just a memory." I sensed her shifting in her seat, tightening her arms around her knees. "I needed to remember..." My memories are grounded in May evenings. In old tatami mats. In wooden stars. In sparkling hairpins. In the perfect voice of that woman I loved. In him. I loved. Suddenly, I felt very close to tears. The heat, I thought, was finally getting to me. I really should take that bath. "Stars are close enough, don't you think?" I asked and I could barely hear myself. I shook my head and opened my mouth again to repeat the words... But I guess she understood. "To fireflies?" she asked and the smile was back on her lips. "Yes," I murmured. Breathed. She looked up at the sky and the ribbon cascaded down her back in a long stream of blue. "True," she said softly. "There were stars, too. That night." She was silent for a moment. What was she seeing? Feeling? Who was she touching? "I should have made a wish..." "No," I whispered. "Not on stars." I released the grass and it fell, still whole, still untorn. I smiled at her and I wondered why she looked even more indistinct in the darkness. Something hot was flowing down my face. Something sticky. I put up a hand but it had no color. "Make your wishes on fireflies." He was screaming. He was so angry. So pained. I reached out and held his arms, clenching my fists around them much as I did the old tatami mat. He tensed in my grip but he didn't move. I looked up and saw his eyes, the agony, the pain. "I should get your medicine," I said but his hand was on my shoulder again. I stopped. "Why?" he asked and his voice was a strangled sob. "Why do you stay with me...?" I think that was the only time he had ever asked me that question. I could feel the loose string edging close to my restless fingers. One pull. That was all it would take. One pull and he and I would fall apart "Because you make me happy," I answered. He suddenly calmed down, relaxed against me. Maybe he understood. Or was he merely indulging me again? Perhaps he didn't really listen to me at all. I think I should have said, "Because you are kind," instead. No. That would have been unkind. And a lie. And a lie. A lie that he was kind? Or a lie because it wasn't the real reason? Just a lie. That was true, at least. "That was beautiful," the girl said. There was warmth in her voice. Sincerity. "Thank you," I said as carefully as I could, trying so hard not to tear the words, rip them apart. "It was kind of you to say so." She smiled. Another rustling on the grass. Rustlings. They were coming. So soon but they have come. Ah, well, I've had more than enough share of air for myself, anyway. "I should go," I told her and I stood up. My sleeves fell against my arms and they were wet and damp. As were my feet. As was my face. But I wasn't hot anymore. That was all that mattered. "Wait!" she called out. "You forgot these!" I looked back and there they were, glittering in the darkness, faintly streaked with blood and denied desires. Like stars. My hairpins. "Keep them!" I returned. She looked surprised again. I smiled. "Maybe next time we meet, you could give me your silk ribbon!" She stood there, my hairpins dangling from her outstretched hand, her blue ribbon fluttering out with the slight breeze and I could almost see fireflies hovering around her with gentle touches of light. "Be happy!" I said. There. She raised a hand. "You, too!" I turned away and walked past them. They quickly shuffled after me, trampling on the grass as they hurried. I was almost tempted to shame them, to make them apologize but I had to be kind. And I still had to tell him the truth. Truths, I amended. Think. Be alone. Look for fireflies. Make a wish. Be happy. The night was still young. Especially during May. NOTES: We-ell. This is my first and probably only piece on Komagata Yumi. The phrasing's choppy at some points and it's horribly whimsical but what can I say, I was in the mood for something, well, weird and I guess this is as weird as I can get. ^_^;; I realize the ending's probably a little, um, abrupt but I kinda ran out of words to say ^^. Will revise. Thanks!~ --------------------------- ONElist Sponsor ---------------------------- GET WHAT YOU DESERVE! A NextCard Platinum VISA: DOUBLE Rewards points, NO annual fee & rates as low as 9.9 percent FIXED APR. Apply online today! http://www.onelist.com/ad/nextcard1 ------------------------------------------------------------------------