From: "Tin Mandigma" Hi, minna! Tin again ^_^ I just went through my backlog of mail from the ML and I can't believe I missed the stuff about crossovers ^_^ (I give a new definition to the term 'backward' -_-;;)It sounds cool but I don't have the complete list of posts so I can't say anything about the planned crossover 'fic contest (there is gonna be one, right? ^_^ I caught Stephanie-san's and Frederik-san's posts ^^.) I can't wait to see that RK/Akazukin Cha-cha crossover 'fic ^__^ Anyway, I started thinking about a crossover 'fic which I wrote a looong time ago, back when I was only starting to get hooked on RK :) I only wrote Chapter 1 because, well, OLH sucked me in ^^ and I never posted it to the ML (I forgot ^^.) I thought that I might as well post it now since crossovers seem to be 'in' ^_~ plus I got most of the ideas for "To Be or Not To Be" from this 'fic (so, gomen if some stuff in this story are 'used goods' already ^_^;;.) This 'fic was my *first* attempt at writing fanfiction ^_^ so I guess it gets kinda awkward at certain points. Anyway, I was also sick when I wrote this so... ^____^ C&C are definitely welcome! ^_^ Arigato! I Saw You Screaming There by Tin WARNING: Lots of swearing ^^;; ----------------------------------------- Author's Note: This is a cross-over fic (YYH, Rurouni Kenshin, Ranma 1/2, Gundam Wing and whatever else comes to my mind as the story progresses) with shades of horror and utter depravity. It's not yaoi. It's not shounen ai. Heck, I don't even know what to call this stuff. I was debating on 'love story' y'know but I decided that would be pushing it ^^. Anyway, I guess this is a plagiarized and totally wasted version of a literary work done by a certainly more reputable author (guess who?^^). I don't know if something like this has already been done. Just in case, I didn't mean to plagiarize on top of this plagiarism, OK? I just did this 'fic for fun and as an answer to Ice's challenge that I don't know how to appreciate the finer points of homo ('sexual not 'sapiens'just in case you're wondering if this is some sort of classification as a prelude to later stories. I don't write romantic 'fics about our kin in kingdom animalia, OK?) relationships. I happen to think that these are fun, especially given the right people ^^. OK, OK, the characters I use in the 'fic are the *wrong* people but I think that makes it even more fun! (yikes, I sound like an airhead.) Anyway, read at your own risk. Danger level is minimal, I tell you. Oh yeah, if my pathetic attempt at humor falls flat on its face, please don't hesitate to tell me. I'm brave. I can handle it (assuming of course that this 'fic is even worth reading at all.) Standard disclaimers apply. ------------------------------------------ ACT 1 It sounded like a death sentence. Kuwabara Kazuma stared in horror at Koenma who kept his gaze focused on his multi-purpose pacifier, "I'm going with HIM?!" Koenma nodded somberly. "B-b-but....That isn't fair!" Kuwabara wailed. "Why HIM, for chrissakes?!" The person in question snorted, "Actually, I should be the one saying that." Kuwabara flailed his arms wildly, "No way...! No way...!" he sputtered. "How could this happen to me?!" Koenma eyed him with a touch of amusement, "Hey, Kuwabara. There's no need to be overly dramatic about it. You asked for this assignment, didn't you? And as my father was so kind..." "Uh-huh. Sure." Kuwabara snarled as he glared at Koenma. "If I'd known he'd be this kind, I might as well have volunteered as ferry-girl substitute for Botan!" "Humph. Well, you have no choice. If you want to become a great reikai tentai, you can't afford to be picky," Koenma wagged his finger in admonishment. "Besides, it'll just be for a few days. Who knows? You might just-ah-settle your differences in this trip and become-ah-friends!" He laughed nervously. Kuwabara's vocabulary failed him altogether. "Koenma..." the low harsh rasp deepened threateningly, "This entire fiasco better not be your idea or I might just bring you along on this little journey and use you as bait or emergency food ration. This stupid oaf is enough liability as it is.." "Hey!" Kuwabara protested, "I didn't ask for your company!" "Yeah? And how do you propose to go through the mission, moron? As a corpse?" this said tauntingly. "Why, you!" Koenma cleared his throat, "Uh, maybe you should get going, gentlemen? Time's kinda running out..."he choked as Kuwabara grabbed his throat and effectively squeezed his voice box. "Tell your 'kind' father I'm grateful for this opportunity and," his eyes glinted menacingly, "when I return, I'll show him just how grateful I am." He abruptly released his hold on Koenma who staggered. "Sure. Whatever." Koenma said as he adjusted his scarf. "Well, good luck, Kuwabara and..." "Come on, you piece of human trash." "HIEI!!!!" Kuwabara screamed. "Great. Just great." Sagara Sanosuke muttered as he fought his way through the thick forest undergrowth. "Of all the damned places to get lost...Where the hell are the others?" He paused to gather his breath, "KENSHIN! JOU-CHAN! YAHIKO! Damn it, where are you?! This is definitely not funny anymore..." He was about to start yelling again, with more profanity this time, when a burning cigarette was crammed into his mouth. Sano gagged disgustedly, "What the fuck.." he spit out saliva and tobacco leaves as he coughed. With burning eyes, he whirled around only to come into uncomfortable contact with the sharp tip of a katana pointed at his throat. "One more word, rooster-head, and we have one bald chicken spewing its brains all over the place," Saitoh Hajime murmured coldly. "Well, isn't this peachy," Sano said in monotone. "Saitoh, fancy meeting you here. Camping, huh? How wonderfully domestic." Saitoh's lips curled in a sneer, "And of course you would just be wandering around contemplating the meaning of life. You wouldn't happen to be lost, would you?" "Lost?" Sano raised an eyebrow, "Of course not! I was just-uh-looking for some-uh-food. Yeah!" Saitoh looked at him disparagingly, "Figures." Sano flushed with anger, "And how about you, o mighty tobacco breath? Gonna start howling any second now?" "I was-hunting," Saitoh answered calmly. When Sano snorted at that, he turned away and started walking to the left. Suddenly he froze and looked around. Sano tensed, thinking some danger was lurking. He slipped into a ready stance and waited. And waited. And waited. And then he realized. There was no danger. "Don't tell me," Sano started to say, his face turning red with mirth. "You're-lost-too! Hah! Never thought I'd see the day! Saitoh Hajime! Lost in the forest!" And with that he burst into a fit of maniacal laughter. "Oh, what a thrill! This is-wow! Hahahahaha!" Saitoh debated on whether or not it would be better to cut off the idiot's head or simply gut him in the stomach. After some thought, he ruled both options out (much to his regret). Sano's corpse would probably attract a host of wild animals lurking in the forest and he was not really in the mood to deal with those. Besides, the sun was setting and he knew he couldn't find the trail in the dark. He sighed and sheathed his katana as he turned to the still-hysterical Sano who was rolling on the ground. There must be other ways to shut the fool up. A sinister grin made its way to his lips. Kuwabara was still grumbling as he and Hiei went through the dimensional portal separating the Reikai from the Makai where the mission was to take place. He was about to get in a nasty dig at the silent koorime when he saw, in full panoramic view, just where they ended up. There was an awful lot of trees, bushes, trees, bushes, trees, bushes...Kuwabara's left eyebrow twitched. This is definitely not Makai. "Koenma, I'm going to kill you," Hiei muttered venomously as he took in his surroundings. First Kuwabara and now this. The blabbermouth he could handle ( a glare here, an insult there) but *this* is asking too much of him. Kuwabara felt like crying in despair. He resisted the urge to simply collapse on a heap on the ground and dissolve in a puddle, "Where the fucking hell are we?!" "I should think that's pretty obvious," Hiei drawled derisively, "We're in a forest." Well, Hiei would make a better puddle. He'd squeeze him to goo with his bare hands. And the little bastard had this coming a long time ago, anyway. Kuwabara's battle aura flared angrily, "I've had enough of you..." "Don't even think about it," Hiei snapped dangerously. "I don't have any patience for this." "Fine. That makes two of us. So why don't let's just get this over with?" Kuwabara snarled. "I hate your guts, you hate mine.." "You don't have any." "That's it!" Kuwabara roared. His spirit-sword flashed in his hand. Oh, was he gonna have fun... Hiei briefly considered just knocking the idiot unconscious. But there was a mission to be accomplished, he had to find a way out of this whatever place, and he couldn't very well do both with a hysterical over-sexed ningen as a partner. And so, in the interest of practicality (and a little self-indulgence, of course), Hiei decided to exterminate Kuwabara. His lips curved in a surprisingly heartfelt (and utterly genuine) smile. This was one decision he was not going to regret. Suddenly a loud scream pierced the silent gloom of the forest, startling the two. "What the..." they chorused. "SASUKE!" Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thunder of Furinkan High and bane to the existence of a considerable number of people, yelled in frustration at his cowering driver-cum-bodyguard-cum-plaything who winced at his master's eardrum-shattering shriek. "What-have-you-done?!!" "M-M-Master Kuno, I'm so sorry!" the little ninja groveled. "It's all my fault. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Sumimasen!" the last word was a wail. Kuno was mollified somewhat at his subordinate's apology. Somewhat but not quite. "Do you know where we are?!" Sasuke raised his head a fraction and looked furtively around, "Uh-no?" A wooden bokken crashed on his head. "Master Kuno, it wasn't supposed to end up like this! Please believe me!" And then muttering, "I suppose I must have jumbled the words in casting the spell or was it because I cast the wrong spell?" "Then explain," Kuno said through gritted teeth, "how a such simple task as giving a flower (the scent of which induces love, eternal devotion and desire for the first person one sees yada, yada) to my beloved pig-tailed goddess resulted in us being stranded in this-in this" Kuno sniffed dramatically, "god-forsaken place!" A tear fell. Just one but still a tear. Sasuke, true to form, grew disproportionately alarmed with his master's sorrow. "Do not despair, Master Kuno. We'll get out of this! I, Sasuke, shall protect you from harm and all manner of it thereof!" At that, Kuno placed his head in his hands and sobbed. "Oh, do stop acting like a sissy!" "I am not a sissy!" Kuno whined. He paused and regarded Sasuke, "But you did manage to give the flower to my pig-tailed goddess, didn't you?" Sasuke panicked, "Uh-of course, of course, Master Kuno! By now, she's probably in the throes of love and adoration of you. I'm pretty sure she got a glimpse of you before she threw us into the lamp post. And then of course when we regained consciousness, we're here. In this wonderful place. And the rest as they say is history." Sasuke sighed. "I'm the first person she beheld," Kuno looked close to tears again. "Sasuke!" "Yes, master?" "We have to get out of this-this-dump immediately, do you understand?! My beloved pig-tailed goddess is waiting for me!" He closed his eyes, "Oh, for her to breathe in the scent of the flower of love-the flower meant for lovers alone! The flower destined to bring joy, and happiness, and ecstasy!" Sasuke winced guiltily with every word Kuno uttered. He didn't dare tell his master he wasn't even able to get the damned flower out of his pocket before the damned pig-tailed goddess booted him out. He might as well throw it some place before Kuno got an inkling of what really happened. He sighed as he watched his master spout poetry and fountain after fountain of tears. He looked around and saw that it was nearly nightfall and his practical mind clicked in gear. They might just as well set up camp here. Very carefully, he took the flower out of his pocket with one hand while he pinched his nose hard with the other. Can't afford to fall in love with Master Kuno. He snickered inwardly at the thought Now, to find a place to dispose of this cursed thing... "AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH---uuuuummmmmmppppphhhh!!!!!!!!" Sano's mouth bulged with the awfully disgusting weight of hundreds and hundreds of cigarette butts crammed into every available space on his jaw. He was pretty sure his face was going to explode with his muscles stretched to their limit and beyond And, oh god, the taste...He honestly thought he was going to faint. Saitoh smirked at him as he twirled his katana on his left hand, "Well, well. It looks like you'll be stuck with an elongated mouth for the rest of your life, rooster-head." Sano made gagging noises as his eyes (or the slits which were once his eyes) glared bloody murder at Saitoh. Saitoh smiled mockingly, "What was that? The better to look like a chicken, huh? With beak and all? Don't tell me you're going to grow wings next. My, but you're going to be one plump bird." He ended this insult with a scathing laugh. He hadn't had this much fun since, well, better not talk about that. Only the thought of butchering Saitoh into mincemeat kept Sano sane . With his 'Imgoingtokillyounomutilateyounopulverizeyoutodust' mantra ringing in his mind, Sano prepared to unleash his revenge. The smile was wiped off Saitoh's face as hundreds and hundreds of cigarette butts still sticky with Sano's saliva dribbled off his face at an incredible speed, hitting every available space (and sticking too) from his eyes to his nostrils and finally to his slightly open mouth. Sano, meanwhile, was sputtering, "Take that, you bastard! And that! And that!" He was tempted to laugh out loud but decided against it because there was still a considerable amount of the stuff left in his mouth and, you never know, he might choke to death. "And that! And that! And that!" So it went on and on until finally there was only one cigarette butt left. 'This is gonna be my masterpiece,' Sano thought gleefully, sucking mightily (for greater force) for his grand finale. With a tremendous whooosh the cigarette-butt-turned-projectile landed with unerring precision on Saitoh's slightly open mouth. Only then did Sano felt free to laugh, "BWAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!!!!!!!" "Why you miserable excuse for a life-form," Saitoh muttered dangerously as he spitted the cb (cigarette butt; I get tired of using the word) with a spray of saliva. He tightened his grip on his katana. "You're gonna die." Sano eyed him challengingly, "Oh yeah, you sadistic son of a bitch?" He cracked his knuckles in anticipation as he thought of a witty comeback to that threat. He came up with, "Oh yeah?" Saitoh didn't bother to reply. He swung his sword upward with a manic yell (there is a direct relationship between the strength of a scream, the height of the swing, and the trajectory of your opponent's decapacitated parts)--and managed to effectively embed it on a nearby tree trunk. Sano laughed in glee, "Is that the best you can do you--" his words were cut off as said tree trunk (actually the entire tree) practically shoved his head down his neck. Saitoh flicked the tree of his katana with a casual wave. "Heh. Now you know how it feels like to be a nail. Or maybe a turtle." Sano's head sprang out of his shoulders with a distinct pop. His face was red with anger and near-suffocation, "How about you feel how it's like to be a corpse, you impotent moron?" That struck a nerve. "I am not impotent!" Saitoh screamed back. His icy control was fading at an alarming rate (breathe in, breathe out). "You're one to talk, you depraved lustful bastard!!" "Who you're calling 'depraved' and 'lustful'?" "What? Is that red headband a symbol of your virginity?!!!" Saitoh countered nastily. "Diiiiiiiieeeeeeeee, old man!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Go to helllllllllllll, rooster-head!!!!!!!!!!" *BOOM* (hmm... that's pretty lame) *BOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!! Bang! Bang! Bang! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Pooooopp! KAA-BLAAAGGG! CRAAASSHHH!!!!!!* (Heh. Now that's better) Saitoh and Sano covered their ears with the ear-splitting earth-shaking wind-blowing (eh?) sound. "SHIT!! Not now!" (Now, boys, what awful language. Just forgot to invite some people, OK?) "Where in the fucking universe are we?!!!" (That seems to be the question of the century) Wufei winced as he held his head in his hands. Ouch. "Now Duo..." "Don't you fucking Duo me!" Duo Maxwell snarled as he adjusted his comm link. "How did we end up in some," he scanned his surroundings, "oh god damn it, forest?!!!" No reply. "Hey! Yo, Wufei! Can you hear me?" "It's OK, Nataku," he heard Wufei murmur soothingly. "It's OK." A blood vessel burst. Then another. "Damn it, Wufei! We don't have time for that crap!" "Will you lower your voice, Duo?! My comm link's gonna burst!" "Good. I hope your ear goes along with it too!" Duo screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Duo closed his eyes in pain. "Shit, Wufei." "How do you like that?!!" Wufei's voice crackled over the line threateningly. Duo prayed for patience, "Fine. I'm sorry. Now if you've finished coddling your poor baby Nataku, maybe you can help me figure out how we got here?" The last part of his sentence was practically a screech. Wufei frowned at the reference to Nataku but decided to let it pass. Really, Duo can be so damned annoying. He regarded his scanners but something was blocking the interface because all he could see was some blurry lines. "I don't have anything here, Duo." "Damn. Me neither," Duo muttered. He ran a systems check on Deathscythe and felt like screaming all over again when he saw the results, "Double damn. Scythe's damaged pretty badly." Wufei's voice had a suspicious quiver in it, "Nataku too." "Oh man," Duo said and covered his face with his hands, "The gang's gonna kill us." He and Wufei were on a reconaissance patrol, scouting out enemy mecha, when they were sucked into some sort of vortex. His ears were still ringing with Wufei's recriminations that it was all his fault (so OK maybe he did press something or what but it wasn't as if he meant it!). "Do you think we folded? Got sucked into some sort of time warp?" Again no reply. Duo gritted his teeth. 'One day I'm gonna kill that guy,' he thought angrily. "Wufei! What the hell's wrong now?" He blinked when he saw Wufei jump from Nataku's open hatch. "Crap. Might as well get down too." Moments later, he and Wufei stood together in the middle of a (tin scans her memory) wooded forest. Wufei looked around and remarked, "I've never seen this place in any of the maps we have back at the base. The coordinates are non-existent, too." Duo kicked at a fallen log, "Great. We're lost. Scythe and Nataku are out of commission. What are we gonna do?" he whined. Wufei glanced at him skeptically, "Shouldn't you know the answer to that?" Duo glared at him, "What do you want me to say? That we should pray? Sure." "Hey," Wufei protested, "It's not my fault we're stranded here, Maxwell." "And I suppose," Duo straightened and narrowed his eyes at Wufei, "it's mine." "Well who's the show-off here?" Wufei answered bitingly. "If you listened to me instead of going off to some 'shortcut' we probably would be back at the base by now!" "Uh-huh," Duo replied, "Blame it on me. You always do that, anyway. When something goes wrong, you go ahead and blame everybody except yourself. Why don't you change your attitude, you self-righteous paragon of morality?!" "Excuse me?" Wufei said in disbelief. "You're the one who sucks, Maxwell!" (err, in the figurative sense of course) "And just what do you mean by that?!!" Wufei smirked at him, "What do you think? I mean, could you blame me for thinking that something's innately wrong with you? Who messes up all the time? Who always acts without thinking first? Who always but always cuddles up to Heero 'cause he's got nothing better to do?!!" He knew he was pushing Duo's patience but he couldn't resist baiting him if only to see--Duo's face was an exhibition of color--yeah, that was what he hoped to see. "That is so not fair!" Duo yelled at him. "I think you're just jealous because nobody gives a damn about you! Disgusting hetero jerk!" Wufei's face was also showing the first signs of discoloration."That's way better than being labeled as a raving trying-hard nymphomaniac!!!" he yelled back. "How dare you?!" Duo's decibel level was already reaching threshold limit. "How dare you double?!" Ditto Wufei. "HOLD IT!!" The two pilots abruptly stopped shouting. (Heads up, guys! I've got a new question to ask!) "Who the fucking blazing bitchin' shitful HELL are you?!!" Sagara Sanosuke and Kuwabara Kazuma stared at each other for a moment in stupefied amazement. 'Hey, that guy knew exactly what I was gonna say,' they thought. 'How did he do that?' Saitoh and Hiei rolled their eyes in appropriate disgust. "Idiots," they muttered. Sano and Kuwabara glared at them. Wufei cleared his throat, "Um--" And froze. Two katanas, a blazing sword, and a ridiculously large shovel-like weapon were all pointed menacingly at both him and Duo. "Uh-oh," Duo said grimly, "This doesn't look good." Gundam it. *More notes from the author: I couldn't resist the last part (yeah, it's corny... ^^)Anyway, I just want to clear up some things. I only have the vaguest idea about how the Gundams operate so I just invented some pseudo-technical babble to explain everything. Please don't take it against me, OK? Second, I realize the profanity may be a little too extreme. But for those guys profanity's the name of the game. Hey, don't look at me. I'm not a profane person. Really! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Final Countdown is here! http://www.ONElist.com Join the "Star Wars" craze at ONElist.