Kenshin wanted to die. But he didn't. He couldn't. Yahiko needed
him. They all needed him. As much as he wanted to tell them to leave him
alone, he couldn't. He was hurting, but they were hurting just as much.
Kaoru had been the light that warmed them all. Kenshin needed to keep everything
together, like Kaoru had asked. They needed to take care of each other.
The trek back to the dojo carrying his precious load had been torture.
Each step stabbed the knowledge that he had been too late deeper and deeper
into his heart. If only....
"Kaoru ...." He couldn't do anything. He had been too late. Too late.
The Buddhist ceremony of cremation was tomorrow. He didn't know if he
could go through another one again. Losing Tomoe had been bad enough, but
that pain had faded. Kaoru had been so young. She hadn't even begun to
experience life. He should have told her before, told her everything. He
had wasted all of this time with her stepping around the truth, hiding
the fact that he loved her so much.
He had rationalized that Kaoru was too young for him. Lifetimes too
young. She was good, innocent. He hid behind goofy faces, trying to bury
his feelings for her behind those masks. He thought that one day she would
find someone closer to her age, closer to her experience. Of course, he
didn't know what he would do when that happened. Maybe he had thought he
would be dead before then by the hand of some old enemy. If not, I would
have just stepped aside if she found someone else. I would have tried to...to
make her happy.
But when he had to go to Kyoto to fight Shishio, he couldn't leave without
saying goodbye to her. It broke his heart then to leave and keep on walking
while he heard her sobs. Those sounds echoed through his heart every step
he took to Kyoto.
It was Megumi's sobs that he could hear now, though she had tried to
control them. Kaoru was a good friend to her. Watching her die, not being
able to help... Kenshin could see the toll all of this had taken on their
small family. Nothing could ever be the same. Time seemed to have stopped.
Kaoru....
____________________________________________________________
1999
"Geesh, Yuukiko! You look totally gross!" Aya grinned at her best friend.
She looked exhausted. Again. "So....What's been keeping you up? I'm not
going to ask who, 'cuz you have no social life. Unless...?"
"Aya. You have been my best friend for more years than I care to remember.
I have loads of blackmail material at my disposal. Can you say,'I LOVE
VANILLA ICE?' Remember that I have pictures. Anyway, I'm really not in
the mood to discuss any of this. I have a midterm!"
As it was, Yuukiko already knew what she looked like. She saw her face
this morning. It was not a cute and preppy good morning face. Nope.
That definitely was not cuteness.
"Yuuki-chan! What's wrong? You've been so spacey lately." Aya's face
suddenly looked serious.
"Nandemonai! Don't worry about it!" She looked down at her wrist
watch and gasped. "Aya, I have to go to class! Don't worry about me. I'm
just tired, that's all. . . . Weird dreams. . . . "
"Hehe. Weird dreams, eh?" She grinned wickedly.
"Aya. . . ."
"Hai?"
"You're ecchi!! I gotta run. Ja ne!"
"Ja ne!"
The weirdest dreams. . . .
____________________________________________________________
It was hard to face the past, but it was time for it. Kenshin sat, his
back against the wall and his sword in hand, as if waiting for an attack
even while in repose.
She was gone. It was all over now. He felt a wrenching pain in his heart
whenever he thought of her. She was his friend. She was more. She had touched
something in him that no one else had in a long time. She took him in even
before she knew his past. After she found out....she still accepted him.
He loved her.
Closing his eyes again, he saw her face, smiling. Her lips moving to
say his name the way that only she could.
"Kenshin...."
"Yahiko? What is it?" he asked, opening his eyes at his voice. Yahiko
had grown taller, he noticed. Soon he would be taller than Tsubame. So
much time had passed since their small family first got together. Was it
a year?
"Megumi is done with the preparations for...," Yahiko struggled with
the words. They stuck in his dry throat. Kaoru had always been more than
his teacher. They fought and laughed like brother and sister. But he knew
that he had to be strong. He just wished Kenshin would do something more
than sit and stare into space. Maybe Kenshin, too, felt that crying was
for later, when he was alone with his memories.
"Hai. Ikude gozaruyo. " Kenshin got up slowly.
Maybe if I go really slow, I can wake up from this nightmare or control
it or something. . . . This can't be real. None of this is real! I'll wake
up and Kaoru won't be . . . gone.
*****
Moonlight becomes her, Kenshin thought as he looked over at Kaoru
as she moved towards him in quick precise steps, the heels of her sandals
clicking impatiently. Nothing ever seemed to flounder her when she was
in this kind of mood.
Telling the story of his past had been hard. These people were his family
and he never wanted them to know Battousai. Not them. He didn't want them
exposed to his raw, ugly past. To let them see all of what he was. Especially
not Kaoru. He had never wanted her to know the ugly truth about himself.
She suddenly turned to face him fully. "Kenshin. Are you going to be
okay?" she asked, slowly walking towards him. She looked so young and fresh,
even after hearing the whole bloody tale of his youth. She just took everything
in without judging, as she always did.
"Yeah." He closed his eyes, as if trying to block her from his sight.
She reached him and lifted her hand to touch his cheek, his scarred face
softly.
"Kenshin, everything that happened.... You were strong, Kenshin. You
tried and did all you could. Try to let it go.... None of us care about
the past."
He could feel her near him, her breath against his cheek. She was so
alive and real and good. He grabbed her hand and held it against him for
a second. It felt warm. Her palms were callused from wielding bokken since
childhood. These were not the soft hands of a lady, but the toughened hands
of a warrior.
"Kaoru-dono, I...."
She suddenly pressed her lips against his, kissing him softly. It was
only for a second, their breath mingling for that bit of time. She slowly
pulled back from him, staring up at him in the soft glow of the moon.
"Love is a wonderful thing, Kenshin. It is the greatest power in the
world. Everyone here. . . , we all love you. Remember that."
Kaoru turned and walked back into the dojo. Kenshin stared after her
retreating form, his lips still warm from hers.
"Kaoru...."
*****
Kenshin had spent the first ten years of the Meiji looking to atone
for his sins. He looked for solace in helping others. When he met Kaoru,
he felt something that he had not felt for anyone since Tomoe had broken
through to his bloodied soul. In Kaoru's eyes, he saw hope and joy in life.
Kamiya Kaoru had been running the Kamiya Dojo since her father's death
the year before. A young girl, all on her own. She had to be strong and
smart to pull such a feat off when the world was changing so radically
around her. There were always those who looked for victims to take advantage
of. But she held on to her family's dojo and school with such a fierceness.
Kaoru was not Tomoe. She was different, more self-assured and strong,
yet not.... Kenshin stayed because he was intrigued with her at first.
This girl looked at the world with totally different eyes. Then, with Sano,
Megumi and Yahiko, they all became a family. Kenshin always thought that
that was what Kaoru had really wanted in the beginning when she had asked
him to stay. She wanted someone to help chase away the loneliness.
She was funny and sweet and couldn't cook rice without burning it. She
did something to him inside him from the moment he first met her and she
accused him of being the Battousai.
When he had left for Kyoto, he couldn't go without telling her. He loved
them all, but he couldn't walk into the night without telling her that
he was going, no matter how hard it was to say goodbye forever. As he walked
into the night, he could hear the soft echoes of her stiffled sobs. It
took all his will to not turn around and go to her, to tell her he loved
her, but he had to do this for the good of the country. For her future.
He walked away, thinking it would be the last time he would be able
to see her. Her face, her voice became a talisman to him during his journey.
When he found out that she and Yahiko had followed him up, he was torn
between the joy he felt being able to see her, seeing them again and anger
at them for putting themselves in such danger.
When the fight was over, all he wanted to do was live with all of them
in peace. But, as usual, life had a way of turning on you.
"Kenshin, I love you, too. So much... "
"Kaoru.... I love you, too."
