A Rurouni Kenshin parody of Frank Capra's Arsenic
and Old Lace
"Yu-Yukishiro-san?" Tae queried after a moment of tense silence.
Enishi tilted his head slightly in mocking acknowledgment.
"Tae-san . . ." Tsubame whimpered, moving closer to the older woman.
Tae wrapped an arm around the girl's shoulders, but there was little comfort
she could offer. Fujita-san warned us this might happen, she
thought, but I didn't expect it so soon. I wish Ken-san would
hurry back!
"What do you want?" Yahiko asked, trying to recover some of his earlier
belligerence.
"Want? This is a restaurant, is it not?" Enishi returned, adopting
an air of injured innocence, "Why should you suspect me of wanting anything
other than a hot meal?"
"The Akabeko is closed." Yahiko's voice was flat, unimpressed with Enishi's
performance. "You'll have to go somewhere else."
Enishi's eyes narrowed slightly, although he continued to smile -- broadly,
almost maniacally. "I'm afraid I must insist on eating here.
After all, this is Battousai's favorite restaurant, and I do so hope to
run into him." As he spoke, he casually seated himself on the raised floor
of the nearest dining compartment. Removing his nihontou from its
place across his back, he took up a position similar to that which Kenshin
was wont to use -- sword balanced easily against one shoulder. Although
relaxed, his pose left little doubt as to what kind of encounter
he had planned when Kenshin arrived. "Now then, Sekihara-san, if
you would bring my companion and I something to eat?" His manner was cordial,
his voice almost pleasant -- only a faint note of steel running through
it indicated that this was more than a request .
"I told you, the Akabeko is cl-" Yahiko's protest stopped mid-sentence
as Enishi's cold gaze locked onto him, the message in those eyes clear
to read. He had come for Kenshin, but was more than willing to take
Yahiko as well. No further outbursts would be tolerated.
"All right, Yukishiro-san," Tae hastily agreed, "It'll just be a moment.
Yahiko-kun, Tsubame-chan, I'll need your help."
"How unfortunate." Enishi's voice was amused, Tae's attempt to remove
her charges from harm's way all too obvious. "I'm afraid you'll have
to make do with Yahiko alone. The young lady will remain here." Tsubame
nodded meekly, much too frightened to offer even the slightest objection.
Tae hesitated, unwilling to leave the girl alone, but having little choice
other than to do so. She squeezed Tsubame's shoulder once, reassuringly,
and then motioned Yahiko to follow her into the kitchen. "Yahiko!"
Enishi called, halting the boy's departure just outside the open door,
"Remember: I may be unable to harm Sekihara-san or this girl, but my companion
is by no means similarly afflicted." Yahiko nodded in understanding, and
then disappeared after Tae.
Left alone with Enishi and his foul smelling
companion, Tsubame shifted as far away from them as she dared, trying to
withdraw from the stench. Her movement drew Enishi's attention, and
he turned his head to fix her with the same cold stare he'd used on Yahiko.
Tsubame instantly froze, terrified she'd done something to anger him.
Her knees began to shake, and she sank slowly to the floor.
Enishi felt a moment's remorse as he watched
the frighten girl huddle in upon herself. Tomoe wouldn't want him
to scare timid little waitresses. He opened his mouth to reassure
her, but was halted by his companion's approach. Remorse was washed
away by disgust as an overpowering odor of decay engulfed him. "Not
so close!" his voice lashed out, causing Tsubame to jump. "Must you
continue to wear that thing?!"
A low laugh came from the tall, grey-skinned
figure; but the sound seemed to emanate from somewhere deep inside, rather
than from the man's lips. "Don't tell me that you, who by your own
account survived on the flesh of others, is disgusted by my creation."
"Gein," Enishi grated out, his tone
a warning.
Gein wasn't intimidated in the slightest,
and again his laughter rumbled from the depths of the monstrous form he'd
created. "Just as your darkened skin and hair allow you to wander
Tokyo unobserved, this thing serves as my disguise. It also
holds Kada's body, or had you forgotten?"
"Your disguise is starting to draw
more attention due to its stench than you would if you just walked down
the street wielding a sword!" Enishi retorted. "How can you bear
to be inside it? And of course I haven't forgotten Kada . . . how
could I, when I killed him for betraying me?"
"Yes," Gein taunted, "temper, temper.
You really shouldn't fault him, you know. Mibu's wolf was already
aware of your escape, Kada merely confirmed it."
"And thereby lessened our advantage." Enishi's
voice was bitter.
"Nevertheless, your killing him only hampered
us further. I can't dispose of my creation until we dispose of Kada's
body." Gein's voice was smug. "If you object to the smell, I suggest
you find somewhere appropriate. And refrain from killing anyone else
simply because they angered you."
"That's enough, Gein!"
"Gein?" Yahiko repeated as he and Tae returned
from the kitchen, "I should have guessed that something as freakish as
your companion would turn out to be one of Gein's creations."
His comment simultaneously angered the
puppet master and restored Enishi's good humor. "Watch your mouth,
boy!" Gein snapped, prompting a laugh from his companion.
"Temper, temper," Enishi scolded, tossing
Gein's words back at him. "Yes, my ill-complected companion is none
other than Gein. He's also the mastermind behind my new hair and
skin color. Neither is quite as impressive as some of his earlier
work," Yahiko's hands fisted at that, knowing just what earlier work
Enishi
was referring to, "but they are suitable for their purpose. Now,
let's see what Sekihara-san has brought for us to eat."
"These are the admittance papers. You'll need to have them signed
in order to have anyone committed to the new facility," Dr. Genzai told
Kenshin, handing him an envelope, "but I can't imagine why you'd need them.
Is it anyone I..."
"Thank you, Genzai-sensei," Kenshin interrupted,
cutting the doctor off before he asked the one question Kenshin didn't
want to answer, "you don't know how much this means to me." He bowed his
appreciation. "If you'll excuse me? I need to get back to the
Akabeko . . . people are waiting for me."
"Eh? Oh . . . certainly." Dr.
Genzai hid a smile at the swordsman's haste, Tae having already told him
about her suspicions. I'd certainly want to hurry back to my bride,
if I were newly married, he thought. "Say hello to Kaoru-chan
for me," he called as Kenshin slid the door open, "and tell Tae and Tsubame-chan
I'll be stopping by for dinner tonight. I hope they won't mind putting
it on my tab," he mumbled to himself.
"No!" Kenshin yelled, startling the old
man, "Never eat on credit!"
"Kenshin?" the doctor's surprise was evident
in his voice.
"Ah . . . that is, Tae-dono has been
having some trouble because so many people haven't paid their bills.
It would help her a great deal if we didn't eat on credit." The doctor
simply nodded, somewhat amazed to hear that the Akabeko was having problems.
Kenshin bowed again, and then slid the door closed. His footsteps
had faded before Dr. Genzai shook himself out of his stupor.
"Oh dear!" he exclaimed, remembering a
crucial bit of information he'd neglected to pass on to the rurouni, "I
didn't tell him that his friend will have to be examined before he can
be admitted!"
Tae, Tsubame, and Yahiko were amazed at Gein's ability to eat while
sitting inside his contraption, surrounded by the stench of decay.
Enishi's disgust also seemed to have disappeared, and the two quickly devoured
the meal Tae had prepared.
"Thank you, Sekihara-san," Enishi told her, placing his chopsticks beside
his empty bowl.
"M-my pleasure, Yukishiro-san," Tae responded, unwilling to anger him
by failing to acknowledge his appreciation. "Will there be anything
else?" she asked, hoping against hope that he would leave now that his
hunger had been satisfied.
Enishi smiled coldly. "Just Battousai," he told her.
"Ken-san isn't here!" Tae's voice held both fear and desperation.
"He isn't going to be here! He was married toda-" her protest ended
on an indrawn breath, as she realized belatedly that telling Enishi about
Kenshin's marriage was the worst possible thing she could do.
"Married?" Enishi's dull eyes flashed briefly with anger. "To
the Kamiya girl, I assume." Tae remained silent, but he didn't really require
her confirmation. "In that case, I suspect you're right. Battousai
won't be coming here. Gein and I will be taking our leave, then,
Sekihara-san."
At Enishi's words, Tae began to relax, only to tense again in shock
when Tsubame's voice suddenly rang out clear and frightened. "Tae-san
lied!" she cried, immediately shifting Enishi's attention to her.
She gulped, but forced herself to continue, "Kenshin-san will be returning
shortly. He told us so."
"Tsubame-chan!" Tae couldn't believe that Tsubame had betrayed them.
If Yukishiro-san had left, we would've been able to warn both the police
and Ken-san! He would've been stopped . . . before . . . she
let the thought trail off, knowing that Enishi would never have left them
alive.
"There's a body in there, Tae-san," Tsubame told her, lifting a trembling
hand to point at Gein. In a voice small with terror she continued,
"I'm sure they would kill us, too, if we were no longer useful."
"Indeed," Enishi confirmed, "and as of yet, you haven't convinced me
that you are. Explain why Battousai would return here on his wedding
night."
The three were silent, Yahiko unaware of Kenshin's reasons, and Tae
and Tsubame unwilling to reveal them.
"Well?" Enishi prompted.
"It's because of Hatsuzou-san," Tsubame whispered, twisting her apron
nervously.
"What?"
"Ken-san is returning because of Hatsuzou-san." Tae's voice quivered
only slightly as she spoke.
"Hatsuzou-san? Is that someone he's meeting here? When?"
Enishi's voice took on an added edge. Unexpected visitors could present
a problem, he thought. Still, what's one or two more bodies,
if I can finally complete jinchuu?
"Hatsuzou-san is dead," Tae answered, "that's why Ken-san will be returning."
"Dead?" Enishi was more than surprised. Battousai had sworn never
to kill again. "So . . . the hitokiri has returned . . ."
"Certainly not!" Tae's response -- tinged faintly with insulted outrage
-- surprised him still further. "Hatsuzou-san is dead, but it has
nothing to do with Ken-san! Hatsuzou-san is one of our gentlemen
. . . Tsubame-chan took care of him."
"What?!" Enishi's shock was second only to Yahiko's. "Tsubame
did what?" the boy asked. Tae's response was drowned out by Enishi's
annoyed outburst.
"You expect me to believe that Battousai will be returning here because
that timid little girl killed someone?!"
"Yes, that's right," Tae agreed. "Although," she continued , her
voice thoughtful, "I think he was more upset by the fact that this is the
twelfth customer that's been poisoned, than by the fact that Tsubame-chan
did it."
"Twelve?!" Enishi and Yahiko exclaimed in unison. They stared
first at Tae, then at Tsubame.
"Yes," Tsubame answered, her voice still soft, "but this is the only
one I've done by myself. Tae-san took care of the others."
"Oh, but you were a big help with them, Tsubame-chan!" Tae hastened
to assure her.
"Honto?"
"Definitely. I don't know what I would've done without you."
Enishi fought the urge to tear at his hair, his world suddenly turned
upside down. Instead of the women being frightened of him,
he was beginning to be just a little frightened of them. The
two waitresses had apparently killed twelve people - but there was no anger
nor malice in them. It was simply something they had done.
Gein's laughter only added to his frustration.
"What's so funny?" Enishi demanded.
"It's just that you've been locked up for the last two months, and are
wanted for murder... and yet you haven't killed any more people than
these two here!" Gein laughed again.
"I could rectify that," Enishi informed him in a voice like ice.
"Now, now, none of that," was Gein's laughing response, the puppet master
undaunted by Enishi's anger, "we can still use these three against Battousai,
so I'm afraid you can't kill them."
"I was thinking of you, not them."
Gein's laughter immediately stopped. "You can't kill me either," he
retorted, his voice now a match for Enishi's, "you need me."
"True," Enishi reluctantly conceded. "Nevertheless, there's still
Battousai, and this brat here. And there's always later."
he smiled, baring his teeth. "I'm definitely more dangerous than
these two," he said, indicating Tae and Tsubame with a jerk of his head,
"you'd best remember that." Turning to Tae, he then announced with false
cheerfulness, "If Battousai is coming back, we should be ready to greet
him, don't you think? If you would please douse the lights?" It was
not a request. "You see," he confided, "I'd like to surprise him."
Worried and subdued, Tae complied, directing Tsubame and Yahiko to do
likewise. Enishi settled himself to the left of the door, Gein mirroring
him on the right. Silence descended, as they waited for Kenshin to
return. It wasn't too long before everyone heard footsteps approaching
from outside. Whoever it was hesitated briefly at the entrance before
sliding the door open.
"Tae-san? Tsubame-chan?" A familiar female voice called.
"Kaoru! Get out of here!" Yahiko yelled, trying to warn her before
it was too late.
"Eh? Yahiko?" Raising the lamp she carried, Kaoru stepped into
the restaurant and peered into the darkness. Instead of Yahiko, the
light found the slim form of a stranger, and reflected dully off his eyes.
The door slid shut behind her as she opened her mouth to scream.
Go on to Part III
